Working out what you do and don't like in sex is tricky because it's very easy to get really stuck in your own sexual experience. Everything starts to blur a little bit. Until you have a tool to really clarify what you do and don't like in sex or what might be a future possibility, it's easier to just feel really deflated, frustrated and feel like there's a lot that you don't like and not very much that you do like. (Which isn’t the truth, I hope!) So without further adieu, here is my favourite tool to work out what you do and don’t like in sex...
Today I wanted to talk to you about coming and seeing a sex therapist or a sexologist because I think there a few misconceptions lurking around about what it's actually like. I want you to know straight-up that you don't have to have a history of trauma or abuse, you don't have to come as a couple and what we really talk about in sessions.
You have a big libido. It is boundless and has everything and nothing to do with sex.
Your libido can rage and roar for the non-sexual and leave nothing in reserve for sex.
I have a high libido but it doesn’t translate clearly or directly to sex. My libido is my power source and it can burn so brightly that it burns out. I don’t like to admit this. When I use the word power source, I don’t necessarily mean it as a fuel but representative of my actual power.
Guess what happens when I don’t feel my power?
A client said to me recently that she wanted to make sure that she was the cool wife in her relationship. I started getting pictures in my mind of what that looked like and whilst she filled in the gaps with references of keeping the peace, she said that she played the cool wife because she definitely did not want to be the bitch wife...
They are easy to get, affordable and fun. They make it all seem so simple – that when this product is used in sex then my hang-ups will magically dissolve. Yet so much of it doesn’t even scratch the surface of truly helping women and the stunning web that is female sexuality.
This blog is about Elly* and here I share her story about what does work when sex toys, lingerie, porn and courses don't.
Before I got married at 25 and well before I learnt about sex, I went through a deeply religious phase. I was devoted to the Christian faith. At the time, it felt like a dirty little secret. I hardly told anyone that I loved reading books that took me deeper into faith. The sense of ritual, the tests of unwavering faith, the hope and the ancient wisdom that felt unshakable. It all felt like the only answer to any human problem and my inner good girl was completely in her element on this path of study and obsession. But where was my sexuality?
I've worked with far too many women in long-term relationships that are completely giving their power over in sex in the name of love, compromise and giving. They haven't listened to their heart or their body and the end result is that they are going through sexual shutdown and aversion. But it isn't a one-off event that has them turning away from sex, but a series of events, sometimes appearing small and innocuous. And because so many women have enormous hearts and we put others before ourselves, we accidentally keep hurting ourselves and are actively turning ourselves off sex...
There’s a routine that so many couples fall into that I feel called to go so far as to call it a trap. You know, the expectation that sex = intercourse or that all forms of touch and affection are a means to build up to intercourse. Or we just start skipping everything else and delve into intercourse because who needs warming up when there is familiarity? Put bluntly, it’s the intercourse trap.
It is time for more women to have sex like a man. There’s a caveat on this though. This is about having sex like a man that is completely in his mature masculine. This man is clear, grounded, present, powerful, a conscious communicator and above all, he is comfortable in absorbing energy and touch. He is penetrative in many respects but doesn’t push. He takes but he doesn’t violate.
You do, do, do in your life and struggle to feel – so you keep doing. Sex may be a chore or you just don’t get it. You know how you don’t want to feel but you feel this gap between the now and how you do want to feel. You say you are nervous and don’t know what to expect from sex coaching but you are at least comfortable enough to speak up during sessions and to unpeel some of the layers.
Sex coaching inevitably brings up stuff. By that I mean it isn’t a linear process that goes from having a problem to problem solved. There are bumps in the road and the main bump is known as resistance. Resistance usually happens after you have seen a change in your sexuality, attitude and approach but really there is something bigger lurking.
It's true that I haven't birthed Sexosophy - it has birthed me. There is symbiosis and flow. It reveals to me and I reflect back. Back and forth, back and forth. I remember this day 3 years ago, walking through Central Station with my palms sweating thinking 'I am so fucking scared of doing this but I just have to try'. And that was it.
She then, for the first time in her life, described what she felt through her chest and the colour of it. We went on to explore what it meant to HER. It was all around her heart and she saw green (the colour of the heart chakra). It was so beautiful and so touching. Her body wanted to speak and she was ready to listen...
Oh my, this topic is a tough one. I’m going to be naming the culprits and exposing some vulnerable stuff around pleasure, money, food and time with other women. These are all issues of the sacral chakra and it is easy to get them jumbled and interconnected in both enlightening ways (desired) and ways that represent a box of shadows gnawing at each other (undesired). This is pleasure / redemption.
Perfectionism is the phoniest of all the masks that women wear. And now that I can spot it in an instant, it frankly bores me. No, it angers me. It angers me for me, for you, for my sisters, for my daughter… I don’t get jealous anymore because if I meet you, I know what you have given up to be that way. You’ve given up your joy, your warmth, your humanism, your vitality and your authentic sex life.
I am seeing an increasing number of women in my practice who are in their 20’s. I would love to share with you what brings them to Sexosophy and what it is they are looking for because I want to normalise these experiences. There is no script for how sex in your 20’s should play out and this can be the trap. When women hit a roadblock with their sexuality, they think that something is wrong...