You have a big libido. It is boundless and has everything and nothing to do with sex.
It is possible for your libido can rage and roar for the non-sexual and leave nothing in reserve for sex.
It’s part choice, part make-up (I’m talking genetics here, not real make-up, which my libido loves), part habit. A woman’s libido is so high that pharmaceuticals have been created to keep her on an even keel because when it gets too high, it can look a lot like anxiety.
I have a high libido but it doesn’t translate clearly or directly to sex. My libido is my power source and it can burn so brightly that it burns out. I don’t like to admit this. When I use the word power source, I don’t necessarily mean it as a fuel but representative of my actual power.
Guess what happens when I don’t feel my power?
I get depressed, irritable, anxious. I clamour for the next hit of power because feeling powerless is my trigger. My libido despises it.
Perhaps yours does too.
When we have a high libido, we mishear it on too many occasions and instead of channelling it into an activity that actually brings it down to simmering, we kind of repeatedly go hard until exhaustion…just not necessarily with the types of creativity and action that are healthy.
So what if I told you that you have a high libido too but it just wasn’t in a mode turned on and tuned in to sex?
When my libido in all of its definitions was suppressed during my second pregnancy, its reappearance was nothing short of a surge. It wasn’t so much sexual in nature, more my power vying for attention. Gushing thick and fast, it presented as an irritable depression that persisted for months. It existed completely separately from my baby.
When that wheel of power within me kept spinning at a furious rate, all I wanted was to be OUT there. Anyone who’s had a baby can attest that the first six months at least are about staying and being INWARD. This conundrum didn’t let up until my daughter was 1 year old.
I went as full-ball as possible – my power was programmed to only settle when it tasted satisfaction. My libido had me pushing and using my time more than creatively to generate the voice that was kept so quiet throughout a challenging pregnancy.
Moments of presence were rare.
Sex returned in its own way but a libido high off the hunt for power was the driver.
It makes me wonder how many other women feel the same. How many women don’t feel like sex or that they are sexual despite having a high libido for their work, their creativity, their relationships or their home life? Yet the dissatisfaction lingers.
If your libido is your power source then how are you using it? How do you treat it? When it emerges in its own firey way, are you quickly trying to dampen it?
Some usual suspects to quell a high libido that has been steered away from sex include over-productivity, over-giving, exercise, boozing, starvation, binging on passive activities so you can zone out. Is there space for correction (not perfection)?
Can you make more room for a little less achieving and a little more honouring of your deepest needs?
Can you give permission for your high libido to feel powerful in a way that is both healthy and erotic?
This is how the scales have tipped for me…
My spirit chose to slow me down because I wasn’t doing it myself. My productivity came to a grinding halt and I was on the receiving end of a lot of no’s – so many of my public offerings have been cancelled I have lost count! Instead of feeling shameful, rejected and a whole other host of negative feelings, I reframed it as space. I came to the conclusion that I have done a lot this year that has been edgy and I feel kind of done with it for now. It got so real that I considered dropping it all and going back to my day job - if I am going to keep being a sexologist (because we all have a choice) it is not going to look like it did this last year. I pushed so hard and so fast that it wasn’t sustainable. I lost sight of so much that REALLY matters for stuff that really. Doesn’t. Matter.
Taking heed of this means making changes. Weirdly, it looks like I am doing less from the outside but I am actually doing more because I am truly living. A wise woman put it to me as instead of everything pouring outward, it is all coming inward. What I do needs to be nurturing to me. And now, a book is flowing through me (40,000 words in baby!). Had I have not allowed for this space and retained my fear of the void, this magic wouldn’t have been able to come through. It is unlike anything else but it needs more time. It's hard to keep it under wraps.
I am now feeling more of my erotic energy in my body. It’s another gentle sexual awakening. Note that libido does not always need action in the form of sex but it’s a valid option.
If your libido needs to recalibrate, this is a little inventory that has been working for me. I’m not going to use the word pleasure because it can feel a little too full-on for women who feel distanced from it. Libido has more room for neutrality and an honouring of where you are at. My libido needs:
+A book ALWAYS. It took me so long to realise that I feel lost in my life when I don’t have a book on the go. It’s an anchor.
+Acknowledgment. I bought a couple of items I was putting off for ages even though I really wanted them (hint: Mecca Cosmetica got a little love that day). For me, it comes back to a mantra of I’m worthy. Constant sacrifice and martyrdom isn’t libidinous.
+No social media. It was draining me so much more that I would have to admit and it took my sister to give me a good talking to cut the cord for a while. Deep breath and vulnerable confession – I constantly felt not enough, totally fell into comparisonitis and lost my own vision because I was seeing everyone else’s dreams. It clouded me. There’s also lots of bullshit on there AND I was trying to people please. Gross combination for feeling magnetic in life. The realisation that I could have read SO many books instead of social media scares me. Don’t think about it. Deleting shitloads of emails felt like a clearing too.
+Movement. I have upped my workouts and it is now a form of me time. I am syncing it with my cycle which basically means I match the intensity of the workout to where my body is at. In short, the gym won’t see me much when I am bleeding and it will see me a lot more during ovulation. Doing a fun challenge like Miss Muddy last month was awesome too!
+Health appointments. Skin checks, pelvic floor physio, dentist, mentoring and medium. I prioritise paying for these and my gym membership before anything else. Am I dying to go shopping – yup! But all the clothes in the world won’t boost my libido if the inside is withering.
+Time away. We got away finally. It was just a few days in Adelaide but it was magical. My libido rose as soon as we got there. We all need a pattern disruptor.
+Genuine social contact. I’m keeping everyone I love who knows me very close right now.
+Drinking coffee out. It feels like a luxury and I used to kick myself about it because we have a killer coffee machine at home. My libido loves having my second coffee out as I write my book. If it feels good, do it. Cheaper than a lot of other thrills out there.
I hope this list helps your libido. If you are really struggling, come back to something you used to love and bring it back in and don’t fall into the trap of saying you don’t have time or money. You do. Choose how you want to use it.
Trust me when I say when a woman nurtures herself, she can nurture others in the deepest ways. When you shed the layers of frustration and anger as you honour your power (libido) you are going to feel more open to having sex because you won’t be carrying all of that into the bedroom. Test it out before the year ends – don’t wait until the 1st of Jan to reset, get a less pressure filled head start now.
Let me know how you and your powerful libido go.
Lauren xo
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