Stress is the biggest threat to your libido.
And one of the biggest sources of stress is work.
I’m guessing you love work, don't you?
I'm also guessing you're looking for your libido too.
What you might not realise is that your libido is going completely into your work rather than sex.
Maybe you can't feel your libido at all because you're a workaholic.
Ouch! Workaholic. It’s got a bit of a sting to it, doesn’t it? A little bit too much truth reverberating.
“A workaholic is someone who’s dependent on their work or vocation as their primary source of purpose, satisfaction and validation. They spend a high proportion of their time thinking about work, planning work and doing work. When you’re a workaholic, the vast majority of your attention goes into work, leaving relationships, sleeping, resting and playing as a lower priority.”
What reveals a true workaholic is where they put their attention in a personal crisis.
Even in the face of stress at home, relationship conflict or health issues, a workaholic remains driven and compelled to keep working rather than put their attention, energy and effort into their personal life.
It’s easy to see how a sex life suffers when work is numero uno.
What I want you to know is that I get it – both my husband and I are in love with our work. It's taken some time to iron out the ways that we can come together intimately by night when we love what we do by day.
This has been more of an issue on my end than his. My libido is a lot more sensitive to stress and getting distracted by tasks. Even though that’s natural, I don’t want this to be my ongoing response or way of being.
Fortunately, I now know how to be a productive sexologist and writer without the addiction.
So when Triple J’s The Hook Up programme invited me on to speak about this very topic a few months back – I was ecstatic. The ideas to what I could share were flowing thick and fast. But there was too much for one radio program so I jotted the rest down and put it into this blog.
If you’re a workaholic and you’ve got no sex drive or interest in intimacy, this blog will tell you how to:
Date when you are a workaholic
Change your work and life habits when you’re a workaholic
Have a sex life when you're a workaholic
Understand your workaholic partner
If workaholic doesn’t work well for you, feel free to switch it up with ‘I’m in love with/devoted to/addicted to my work’. I kind of like workaholic for it’s ease and simplicity and will keep using it throughout this blog.
Nature is good libido medicine. Have you been missing it by working too hard?
How to date when you're a workaholic
#1 Break it down into smaller parts
On Triple J, one of the callers was talking about how exhausted he was from working as a chef. Dating and even the idea of sex felt overwhelming. One of my suggestions to him was to break it down into smaller parts. It was a classic case of anticipation causing him to feel stressed and creating inertia. He was already anticipating how he had nothing to give in sex so I said to him.
Sex isn’t the first step in courting and dating.
There are steps that come before sex and he needed permission to take his own pace with it all. No pressure.
This goes for you too. Be mindful of all-or-nothing/black and white thinking when you're tired from working hard. Like you do with a big work project, break dating and intimacy down into smaller, doable pieces.
#2 What do you do besides work?
Before you go out on a date, consider what you have to share with someone besides talking about what you do in work.
What else do you have to say? What do you believe in? What do you value?
Considering all this is a great way of directing your attention back to how you spend your personal time. If you allow yourself any.
Loving your work is admirable but it isn’t ALL you and if it is, it’s time to give your personal life some TLC.
You’re dynamic, not static and only loving work and nothing else that's pleasurable or purposeless is an issue. Your nervous system loves flow states because they mirror what happens in sex and arousal.
Flow states include play, movement and artistic endeavours where you feel total joy and lose track of time. These activities are great for libido and yeah, having a life outside of work.
What would you think if you asked about someone’s personal life on a date and they had nothing to say except talk about work?
Personally, I’d be a little concerned that they didn’t know how to live in the moment or weren't curious about life . How could they be present in an intimate relationship when they have no space or interest to see or hear me? Warning bells!
When it comes to relationships, everyone wants to be seen and needs to be heard. You can't be seen or heard when someone is completely absorbed in their work. It fuels disconnection and severs bonding, making sex even less appealing.
#3 Make your dates time and location convenient
When you work a lot, you need to spend as little time commuting as possible. Integrate them into your work or at least keep them close by to improve your motivation to show up for them. Everything that helps you to show up increases your chances of putting yourself out there.
#4 Your work will benefit from dating
Dating doesn’t take away from your work – it enhances your life so you are better at your work. Giving your personal life attention will make you a well-rounded person. When you're good in life, your creativity and output for work skyrockets. Promise.
When you’re a workaholic looking for your libido, you need new life habits first.
How to change your work and life habits when you’re a workaholic
#1 Prepare in advance for the busy times
You deserve a break from the grind, even when you love work and live for it. Book holidays after the periods where you know business or work will be extra busy such as Xmas, EOFY or when you are launching a new product or service. When you’re a workaholic, it’s too easy to stay in that UP mode when the season's finished or the project is complete. What you really need to do is...
#2 Be a rebel and rest
Every time you choose to rest and recuperate, you're being a rebel. Wait, what??
Being addicted to your work means that you struggle to rest and stare into space. You need to be looking and acting productive, right? And this makes you good. Perfect. A poster girl for your vocation.
Are you ready to be a rebel with me?
Then rest. Learn how to do it and actually do it. Give yourself a break and be a little bit less available. It could improve your business and make you a bit more magnetic.
Who wants to work with or for someone who looks stressed and tired all the time? Not me and I’m guessing not you either.
When you rest, you enhance your libido by allowing it to come down into the mode it needs to be in for sex.
Alternatively, when you’re stressed, your body shuts down your libido because it’s not important compared to the threat you're facing.
Learn how to rest and you learn how to come down into your body before sex and during sex.
#3 Scrap the word balance
Trying to balance your life will stress you out and cause you to look more to your work to escape the pressure. By creating a life around the on/off seasons of your work, you are accessing your own form of balance.
If you're screaming ‘but Lauren, I don’t have off seasons!’ then it’s time for external help. Always being on and IN your business or work is not sustainable and will have you falling in a heap at some point.
Burnout does not make a saucy libido.
Rather than balance everything, I look at the year ahead and try to punctuate it with little adventures. I ensure there's always something to look forward to that isn’t related to work (and trust me, I love my work!)
I also consider how long it’s been since my husband and I had a date together. If it’s been two months or more, it’s time to get something locked in.
#4 Think about your deathbed
Yes work is important and supports our personal life.
All I know is, I won't be on my deathbed wishing I spent more time working hard and burning out. I'm certain I’d be more inclined to say something that revolves around family, travel and quality time. Envisaging what you'd say on your deathbed is a simple exercise and it works.
You’re never going to wish you were more of a workaholic. Unless you're missing a soul or personality or something.
When you think of your loved ones, know that their life can’t revolve around your business or work. Don't be so immersed in your own stuff that you forget to acknowledge their pursuits and passions.
#5 Avoid the EXPLOSION
I’ve witnessed a lot of couples stay quiet about sex and intimacy. They've swept it out of sight and focused instead on money, work, status and keeping up with the Jones’s.
Can I give you a spoiler and tell you what happens?
One day, one of them explodes.
When you neglect sex and it's the last thing on the list, explosions happen. Either you get too close to someone else or you get too close to porn or you get too self involved. Maybe work is your true lover. It never rejects you, right?
Let this be a cautionary tale. With years of resentment building, one day you or your partner will simply say:
I’ve had enough and I’ve found someone else OR I need to be alone.
Energy flows where attention goes. When you neglect your relationship and sex life, that energy is going to go to someone or something else.
People say sex is important in a relationship but it doesn't show until their relationship is under threat.
I don't say this to jolt you into being sexual out of fear of losing your relationship. Sex and your libido need ongoing attention, not a last minute rush job when things are on the rocks.
One of the main reasons I’m a sexologist, mentor and confidante to women in business is to prevent the explosions from happening. Stepping forward before the explosion minimises the damage.
Maybe your relationship isn’t meant to last but what if it can with earlier interventions and more attention?
My approach to relationships is this:
You’re more likely to regret not doing something than you are doing something.
No one can criticise someone who tried. So try.
You can have a sex life if you give your personal life some nourishment and attention
How to have a sex life when you’re a workaholic
#1 Look at your life in percentages
If you don't get how you can even fit sex in, a helpful starting point is to look at your life in percentages. What percentage are you investing in your personal life?
When you’ve invested in yourself and made time for connection, you’re a better partner and worker.
For a moment, think about sex.
Where are your windows of opportunity to have sex?
When is your energy highest in your personal time?
When does work end and personal time begin?
If that's blurry now, it's up to you to create the lines and boundaries. No one you work with is going to step in and tell you to work less and focus more on your personal life. It's up to you to own it.
You're so powerful in your work. Now go be powerful in your personal life.
#2 Is it an emergency?
What's an emergency or urgent with your work? When your body is in a constant UP mode, it's draining your precious libido.
Being on hyper-alert or in survival mode also creates more survival mode until you intercept with a grounding action. Grounding let's your nervous system know that it's safe and the stressor has passed.
I’m always teaching my clients how to intercept stress cycles. It never ceases to amaze me how their libido starts to flow when they get the hang of it. My favourites are feet on the grass, dancing, crying and talking it out. All work to relieve stress and move on.
Starting to re-categorise what an emergency is with your work is a game changer. There is so much that isn’t urgent but our body gets the message that it is. As long as no-one is in imminent danger, there are so many things in work that can wait.
Think about your own work – what do you need to be less reactionary about? Consider each big reaction as taking something away from your libido.
Each emergency leaves a little less in your libido tank.
#3 Use your commute time to learn about dating, sex and intimacy.
Resist the temptation to use it to squeeze more work in. Ask yourself – what’s the cost if I don’t invest in this? What’s the cost if I don’t learn more about allowing sex and intimacy into my life? 15 minutes a day of reading or podcasting can shift a lot. Small actions create big results. You as a workaholic know that.
#4 Have a separate work phone and devices if possible.
A good libido thrives off of boundaries. The melding of work and personal life is risky. You can’t get into sex when your phone is flashing notifications that you should be working. Or employees and clients think that you are always available for their emergencies.
Boundaries are sexy.
#5 Remove all tech from the bedroom.
Don’t make looking at a screen the last thing you do before sex starts. What you looked at will stay in your head and effect what happens in the bed (hey, that rhymes!)
Blue light is a big libido killer. Why? Blue light keeps us alert and suppresses melatonin, which helps us to feel sleepy. It also keeps our nervous system separated from the state of sexual arousal.
#6 Set an intention, not a goal for sex.
Goals are good for work and striving, not so good for feelings and sensations. You're not in the bedroom with someone to perform or to prove anything.
If you’re not familiar with what an intention is, my definition is this: an intention is a silent wish from the heart. It’s a declaration that says – I’m putting this out there without attaching to it happening. One of my tried and true favourite intentions is: I’m willing to invest in my sex life. Short, to the point and there’s no action to prove that happens, only a feeling. And that’s something you need to get used to. Feelings being proof enough in sex.
#7 See sex as respite from work, not another thing that takes you away from it.
Good sex should be a healthy stress reliever and an escape. Enjoyable and engaging sex should put you in a mode that is free of expectations. It’s your space and time to let go, either alone or with your partner.
#8 Try and receive touch from your partner first.
If work keeps you in your head you need a lot more help coming into your body. Don't default into giving mode first if it only serves to keep you thinking about work.
Know that sex doesn’t have to take THAT long. I don’t want to encourage you to speed up the pace of your life anymore than you already do. I do want you to know that sex doesn’t take HOURS if you don’t want it to.
Consider this possibility. Is your mind getting caught up spending more time THINKING or STRESSING about how long sex takes rather than actually having sex? A lot of pleasure can happen in 30 minutes or so. Are you that busy and important that 30 minutes is impossible?
Finally, ask yourself how work can fit around your sex and intimate life, not the other way around.
This is a game changer.
Sex will flow when you get out of your routine and stop pushing.
How to understand your workaholic partner
Are you reading this to understand your workaholic partner?
I feel you. It's tough.
One of the Triple J callers said that her partner always said if it was between her and work, he would choose work.
Remember, it's not just work for them
It’s passion. It's identity. Workaholics are often playing a long game and often a big motivator is being able to amply provide.
When you're in a relationship with a workaholic, there are a couple of things you can do to shift the tension a little. At the end of the day, you need to protect yourself though.
Choose equity over compromise
When you say the word compromise, lots of people instantly slump and look deflated. Compromise isn't that motivating or enticing when it comes to love and feelings.
Rather than default to the concept of compromise, try to consider what's equitable for the two of you. How will each of you get what you need from the relationship when work takes so much of the time away?
Here are some ideas to keep the relationship equitable
Check that you're meeting your own needs. Have you formed your identity around your partner and always made yourself available? Is this making you feel resentment? It's time to work out what you want to do with your time that will make you feel purposeful and in your power. Don't hand it all over to your workaholic partner.
When you're trying to rebuild intimacy, ask yourself:
How can I help them decompress/come into their bodies ASAP?
The less time they stay in work mode (which = head mode) when they are home, the better.
The answer to coming down isn't in a glass of wine either. Alcohol initially relaxes the body but then goes into a state anxiety through the detoxification process. More anxiety is not what a workaholic needs.
Instead, suggest that they go work out, read something enjoyable, do some gardening or receive a non-erotic massage.
The more physical the suggestion, the better. Our bodies need reminders to be physical so that it's not strange and unfamiliar to be moving in the bedroom.
Have you seen them in a fun mode/out of work mode recently?
The other week, I looked at my partner and said: If I see you in your work polo shirt one more time…
It was said in jest but there was some truth to it. I felt like I was only seeing him in his work clothes and it was getting stale. Thank the lawd Christmas break came the following week.
If you haven’t seen your partner outside of work clothes and work mode for a while, it's time to encourage those other sides of them to come out.
Maybe they are struggling to give themselves permission to relax because they see you worried about money or the future. If so, could you give them a green light and remind them that they are more than a hard worker.
At the end of the day this is your life. Can you bear this relationship staying the same if your partner doesn't change?
This is your heart and libido and life. If nothing changes, will you be accepting of that? Not tolerating or putting up with but accepting?
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Loving your work doesn’t have to come at the cost of your libido.
You’re worthy of having BOTH.
Being addicted to or dependent on one thing for gratification and pleasure has its limits.
Good quality stress relief and sex has the power to boost your productivity.
The big question is: are you ready to see what a life of loving work AND loving your libido looks like? If the answer is yes, book your Connection Call and start the accountability process.
Lauren xo