I work with A LOT of introverted women.
They share with me that they feel their challenges to be outward all the time are a barrier to what happens in the bedroom.
They feel they have missed out on important learnings when it comes to sex because their inhibitions and shyness (and perhaps also the inhibitions and shyness of their parents) have held them back from knowing more.
Now that they are older and wiser, they wonder if they need to go against their nature of being selective and particular about what they like and don’t like to find and discover their libido.
Spoiler alert: they don’t. And neither do you.
In my opinion, owning all the beauty that is introversion only makes our libidos BETTER and DEEPER than an exrtaverts.
Why am I using the word, our?
Well, I’m an introvert too, you see.
Just the world probably perceives me to be an extravert as I like speaking engagements and making videos.
To be clear, some think introversion is synonymous with shyness or not being confident. This simply isn’t true.
The more introverts own our special talents and the particular ways we serve the world, the more confident we become. When we stop trying to be all the things to everyone and turning up to social stuff that just depletes us then we can be radiant and serve with precision.
Cos us introverts love a niche to focus on and geek out with.
I’m a confident introvert that likes spending time with people and likes sex. There’s an asterisk though – it is about the way I spend time with people, the length of time and who that person is that shows my introversion.
I’m all about quality over quantity with my libido and my people.
I prefer one on one time with people or high quality, small groups where I can get to know a few people really well.
In all honesty, I denied being an introvert for a long time but when an old printout of my Myers-Briggs reminded me of the INFJ personality profile (i.e. the coolest one #bias) I realised I’ve dodged a lot of the I part and shown up in life as an (E)xtravert – ignoring my true nature, disregarding that need to step back and recharge solo.
I didn’t want to do this in my younger days as being alone meant loneliness and a whole lot of low self-worth. When those moments did come, I’d spend the time pouring over written poetry onto the page.
Now with more certain and solid self-worth as a woman, I can’t breathe without the time alone and acknowledging the introvert inside gives me clarity as to how to avoid burnout and depletion. Being in constant contact with people isn’t sustainable. Pushing and being outward and asking my nervous system to be in constant UP isn’t sustainable.
It isn’t what I express or the way I express it – it’s the measurements. I can go out and I know exactly when I have to reel it back in. I can be bold and love speaking engagements - it’s not a 24/7 state of being though. The way I embody my confidence to the outside world has a time limit on it – usually in the scope of hours. After that, I don’t need to hide but I do need to retreat, breathe and fill up my tank.
This need is heightened when I am bleeding as the effort to be out is increased. Point is, you can be introvert and have a high libido – your output to the world will probably happen in a more internal way. Your gifts will touch people and serve others on a more interpersonal level. Just because we don’t always effect millions with our hearts and kinda inward personalities, doesn’t mean what we do has any less value than those that do this on a mass, outward scale.
I use the introvert definition and its substance to tell me how long I can be in any one mode. I use it to tell me what my nudges are to step back, step down or step away. I’m confident and an introvert. I thrive learning with others and I’m an introvert. I enjoy sex and I’m an introvert.
It doesn’t have the ultimate say in how I live my life or what I do but it does provide a reliable feedback loop for my limits. Do I listen and take heed every time? Nope. But when I don’t listen in the moment, I create a better recovery plan than I ever did in my formative years where there was no recovery plan.
How this flows into libido is that I am giving myself the best chance of being in libido consistently. Less big peaks and troughs makes for more of that gentle hum. It’s understated and less flashy but I believe it’s got the best fighting chance of giving me gifts to receive over and over. And as someone who struggles to receive, there’s no avoiding the fact that this is the medicine I need most.
What to be aware of with your libido when you are an introvert:
#1 You’re probably going to need to get to know other people on an emotional and intellectual level before you are sexual with them. This is not a rule – lots of introverts can separate the sexual and erotic from the emotional. However, there are lots of introverts that can’t – we need to see them and be seen by them before we take it into the sexual. Honour that and listen to your gut. If the emotional isn’t lining up or there is a red flag then don’t push yourself to be sexual with them. Satisfy the emotional and you’ll probably have better quality intimacy.
#2 You’re probably going to find internet dating fucking exhausting. Having a big pool of options is exciting for some (looking at you extraverts) but draining for others (i.e. me and you). I have not been out there dating since these apps were created so I’m not going to pretend I know what it’s like – I feel you though. IF I was dating out there, I would PAY for the most premium versions of dating I could so that there is a smaller, high quality pool of possibilities. That would probably mean enlisting a match-maker – I would just want to meet someone with the lowest stimulation possible and to know that they are looking for a quality person too rather than sifting through the riff-raff.
#3 You’re probably going to reveal yourself to who you are dating or in a relationship in more ways than speaking face-to-face. Tonnes of introverts are excellent writers and we express ourselves in more aligned and cohesive ways when we have a bit more time than speaking off the cuff. Knowing this means that you may want to use written or artistic forms of communicating with your partner or who you are dating so that all of the onus isn’t on speaking and using your voice. That being said, I don’t encourage you to not speak up or avoid being face-to-face, we will always need this skill. Be sure to reveal yourself in other ways too so that you are SEEN beyond what comes out of your mouth (or doesn’t).
#4 You’re probably going to be selective about who you let into your sexual world. And that’s OK. You don’t have to go out and prove yourself. If a one-night stand doesn’t feel right for you, don’t do it! I’ve never had a one-night stand and it’s not something that I have ever stressed about. It doesn’t mean my knowledge or appreciation of sex is any less than someone who has. If you only feel comfortable to reveal yourself to certain people then that is actually what will give you a better chance of feeling good in sex. And that’s the whole point, right? To feel good!
#5 You’re probably going to ensure the other person in the bed is comfortable as your empathy runs high. Some things I want to say to introverts are:
It’s safe for you to receive
You are a sexual person even if you are shy
It’s safe for you to take your time being sexual
It’s safe for you to be selective with who you are sexual with
#6 Your love of sex might not be understood in a way that others value. It may not appear explosive yet this doesn’t mean you don’t have fire. Start to value the way your libido is expressed and how it recharges. Owning this won’t devalue or downgrade your appreciation for the erotic. If you are introverted, your libido probably won’t be seen by everyone. There will be a natural selectivity that occurs to ensure that only those that connect with your rich inner world get the green light to experience more of what you have.
#7 You’re going to be more drawn to doing sexual exploration and libido investigation on your own and that means books, courses you can sign up to and 1.1 sessions over groups (and sex parties). These are all wonderful entry points to start learning about what may be a taboo topic for you. Take your time and yes, learn privately. Know that there may come a point though we a group experience will expedite your learning. It may be a workshop or retreat – just because you are an introvert doesn’t mean you won’t benefit from human contact and real life permission granting by other women!
Ultimately, whoever gets to be on the receiving end of an introverted libido is in for such deep rewards. When we choose to reveal ourselves to someone and let them into our rich, internal world, they will feel something that more superficial interactions aren’t capable of.
It’s a privilege to be let into any introverts world and only the highest quality people will get that!
Some other things to remember:
Own that you are an introvert and stop trying to be an extravert. It will save your nervous system and your libido.
I was in introvert denial for years. I simply didn’t value the quiet power of being an introvert and the ever-increasing need I have to go inward and recharge. I didn’t want to have that need. It felt weak. I wanted an OUT libido, one that dazzled a little more. A lot of my introvert denial probably came from a place of equating it with shyness. Not being bold. Hiding away. Anyone can hide away though – even extraverts.
Start to know the difference between when you are hiding away and when you are recharging. Both can be therapeutic in a way yet the recharging approach is more sustainable and will keep you lit up from the inside!
There’s so much more I could share – could this be the topic of book 2 or 3? Maybe, maybe not.
For now, you can find me in my office, physically alone and loving it but connected to the world.
If it feels good for your introverted libido to step forward and receive some personalised care and attention then let’s talk. Read my sessions page and book a private discussion with me so we can get you owning and showing up in your libido in the most authentic way.