A client asked me this question today.
We were coming to the end of our session and she needed some libido wisdom to walk away with.
When she asked: what can I do to feel my libido?
I replied – we’ve got 10 minutes. Perfect. I can answer that in 10 minutes.
So I’ll share with you what I shared with her:
First of all – some bad mindset busters:
Stop saying you have a low libido
Stop saying you have no libido
Neither of these help so just…stop. I assure you that you have a libido and it’s not low. It’s just quiet.
Next up, try to broaden your scope of libido.
Libido is not your sex drive.
Your libido is your ability to give and receive pleasure, enjoyment and acknowledgment (Alisa Vitti).
Your libido is so much bigger than what you ‘do’ in sex.
Isn’t that cool?
Your libido is:
The foods you love and adore.
The way you access nature and acknowledge it
The quality of people in your life
The way you get into dance
The wisdom that you call upon to make decisions
The literature you read and the shows you watch
And so much more…
Personally, I cast the libido net WIDE.
Libido feels different to self-care and self-love – there’s nothing wrong with either of those concepts but they have a less saucy feel for me, like good Mexican with no jalapeños on top. Still good, tasty and nurturing but the heat factor just makes it sing.
As a sexologist, I feed, nurture and acknowledge my libido when I:
+Dance on my own
+Socialise with other women
+Have a glass of bubbles
+Write in flow
+Read words by women that touch on the erotic or sexual
Imagine you lived a life with none of these things – even if your own libido list looked different to mine. Imagine you lived a life with no joy or pleasure or little sparks. Everything is ho-hum, ordinary and mundane. And then one night, sex is propositioned…
With which set of conditions do you think good quality, present sex is more likely?
The one where you are living a life that acknowledges your libido or the one where you don’t?
I’m gonna vote with the life that acknowledges your libido in all the joyful and pleasurable ways.
We need to nurture our libido in these less overt ways so that sex doesn’t feel like this isolated event that has no connection to the rest of your life. It isn’t this act that we put in a box and take out every once in a while.
Sex, when it gets your yes, should be a little burst of expression that happens within a much bigger libido tapestry.
When we nurture our libido in our daily life, it feels more familiar to us and then sex feels like a natural extension of it.
Take my love of lounge room dancing for example.
If you follow me on Instagram you’ll see a lounge room dance every once in a while.
Dance nurtures my libido in multiple ways:
-It reminds me of times in my life where my sexuality was more at the forefront of my life. It’s a way of calling it back
-It allows old hurts and shitty mindsets to melt away. I dance them out of me even if the effects are temporary, it’s better than doing nothing.
-It lets my body do movements that are sexual in a safe way
When my body has gotten into this kind of groove, it’s as though it sparks a memory when sex happens.
Our bodies don’t go from sitting in a chair all day to ‘fuck yes – let’s do all these open, wild sexual moves!’.
Instead, our bodies go: ‘well, I’ve been sitting in a chair all day and this is what I’m used to so I’ll just stick with that…’
We need to do movements that mirror sex so that they are more familiar when sex actually happens.
We need to source and play with our libido by day so that we are more comfortable in sex by night.
And if your mind needs a bit of help on this one (I guarantee, your body will ‘get it’ straight away but your mind is going to step in and go ‘wait a minute – I need to analyse this a little longer…’) then I’m talking to you right now mind:
It’s safe for you to let your libido out to play
It’s safe for you to feel sexual without acting sexual (right now)
It’s safe for you to consider befriending your libido
I could go on but you get the point.
One mindset trick that has worked for me is acknowledging when I am tending to my libido.
When I swim I think – I am nurturing my libido right now.
When I eat nachos I think – I am nurturing my libido right now.
When I dance I think – I am nurturing my libido right now.
I do this because ACKNOWLEDGMENT is a massive skill us high achievers and/or perfectionists need to learn. We gloss over what we have done and what we do and go ‘NEXT!’
But your libido doesn’t want you to gloss over your joy.
Your libido wants you to have those simple moments where you audibly go:
Ahhhhh – that’s the stuff.
Are you feeling me?
More importantly, are you feeling yourself?
You are hardwired to seek pleasure – go find it and when you get it, acknowledge it. Don’t just rush through it to the next thing. That’s the old you.
Now, if you need a simple way of starting to see and feel your libido, I have created something just for you - it’s my Libido Checklist! If you are scratching your head wondering where your libido is (or isn’t) then download this gem now to get clear on your libidinous life. Get it here!
Did I just hear your libido go ‘YEEEESSSSSSSSS’?
Hell YES I did!
Libido – it’s nice to meet you <3