Work to you is more than a money generating activity.
It gives you purpose and sets your soul alight.
Work, your job, your vocation – it’s how you’d choose to spend your time even if you didn’t get the dollars. OK, maybe that’s taking it a little too far but you get the point.
You LOVE it.
You see yourself moving through your goals, shredding old problems and climbing up only to look back down to Earth and see that your libido hasn’t climbed up all that way with you.
Deep breath. You don’t need to jump off your ladder in order to retrieve your libido. It can be compatible with where you’re at now in your career – you don’t have to choose between the two.
Step 1: Create Chapters
The first step is to create some boundaries or parameters over where your work time finishes and ends – I call these chapters. You may need to work at night or at home sometimes, I know that 1950’s model of finishing work at 5pm and being done for the day is long gone.
In order to feel your libido, you need to start seeing and feeling the chapters of your life – what I mean by that is, when does one work task end and your personal time begins, even if you have to go back into a work chapter again later in the day/night.
Part of the issue with our libidos today is that we are never giving them our fullest attention as we are never giving anything else in our life our fullest attention. Tasks and responsibilities bleed into each other and it’s hard to distinguish what exactly we are generating by trying to do a couple of things at once.
Creating a chapter of time for your libido might look like choosing to read or listen to something saucy or sexually informative on the commute home then transitioning to childrearing and meal prep to then transition into another personal chapter later on (where sex/self-pleasure can happen) and then back to a final chapter of late night work before bed.
I know that you are already an incredible problem solver and you have an amazing ability to zoom out and zoom in.
Creating chapters fits in nicely with the way that you already do things so harness your already polished skill set. What you’ve learnt in your work can apply to your personal life – the difference is in the intentions.
Work is more doing, personal is more feeling.
Step 2: Get comfy with feelings
This may be industry dependent but usually, work is about executing and getting stuff done. You don’t have time to feel feelings – you’re there getting paid to think and get tangible results. This makes sense for that context. But there is a but…
A lot of my clients have been in executive positions where being in that mode has followed them home every night and weekend meaning that they are constantly in their head and seeing everything as a problem to be solved.
Sex and your libido doesn’t love the problem centred approach. It isn’t motivating for your sexual interest to be treated like a problem in the first place.
What your sex life does want is for you to approach it instead with curiosity and non-judgment. It wants you to put what you are interested in front and centre and then it will be more likely to respond.
Your sex life also wants you to drop the goals and the notion of: when this happens then I’ll get this outcome. Your female body, heart and libido would love it if you could pause for a moment and ask: what’s my intention for being sexual?
Your answer needs to be feelings based…
My intention for being sexual is:
To feel unique feelings and sensations I can’t get in the workplace
To feel the swirling of arousal
To toy with the taboo
To break free from the mould that work has me in
To have respite from what is expected of me
You can use your intention in a way that acknowledges that you are really good at what you do work-wise and that you have these other facets of yourself that need nurturing. This makes sex a more compatible concept with the rest of your life. It isn’t taking anything away from your career or business output but is another way of feeling in your power (just like your work does).
If you feel really out of touch with talking from a place of feelings then the easiest place to start is by talking about how you feel about your work, not what you’re doing in your work.
Consider your interactions with other employees or people you outsource to. Consider your initial gut responses to new projects and the dynamics of the industry you are in. Not what do you think about all of these things but how do they make you feel? When you are on your own and with a trusted confidante, share away and get used to talking from the place of I with your feelings.
This one is important – sex is all about feeling and the more you integrate the question of how does that make me feel? The more you’ll be able to translate that skill to the bedroom.
Step 3: Drop the dependence on other stuff + choose one battle
If you know that your work will remain the centre of your life and that level of love (and addiction) isn’t going to change anytime soon then have a look at anything else in your life that needs to go. If you want to feel your libido, there’s only enough room for one dependence/addiction.
That might mean dropping…
the high intensity work outs
the drink (alcohol is damaging to your libido)
the Body Corp committee
the social media scroll
Have a think – anything that sucks your soul or body of precious resources is going to take something from your libido.
If work depletes or drains you (even though it simultaneously excites you) then you only have enough mojo in the tank for that as your one big dependence. You can’t have multiple dependencies and a libido if this hasn’t already materialised in your life.
I’ve met women who have been addicted to their work and drunk significant amounts of alcohol to decompress from work and wondered why they aren’t interested in sex.
Your head can’t get into sex if your body is constantly on high alert that you are fighting battles and yes, alcohol is one of these battles – it’s a toxin and it backs your liver up and slows down the elimination of old sex hormones you no longer need.
So – choose one battle for your body and if your favourite and most rewarding battle is work – choose that. Don’t have multiple battles on all the time. There will never be space for something sexual to arise.
I totally get being in love with your work – hey, this is me! I love my work and would be doing it no matter what life served me. I decided a long time ago that me having a sustainable libido would create a more sustainable business and I didn’t decide that just because I have a sexy business.
I decided, if I am going to keep doing this then it has to leave space for being a parent, a partner and enjoying the fruits that life has to offer.
And I sincerely hope that you start to see your work in the same way.
No more burnout. No more martyrdom.
Love your work and leave space for your libido.
P.S. If you need help creating a different chapter away from work, then come to my one day retreat Decompress. Decompress will give you the opportunity to drop the cloak of stress that is suffocating your very beautiful libido. You’ll learn all my favourite ways to decompress in 3 nourishing environments over the course of 6 hours – in greenery, in an indoor sanctuary and finally, in water. Only 3 spots are left!