I’ve witnessed many a woman say that she didn’t really care that there isn’t much in it for her when it comes to sex. This is just the status quo of her bedroom life that she has become adjusted to. She puts it to me that she has accepted that this is just the way she is but this attitude isn’t the truest form of acceptance. No. What she is describing to me is defeat and tolerance – not such sexy bedfellows to be going into bed with.
Women give up on the notion of feeling satisfied because frustration has stolen the show. Unfortunately, it keeps getting compounded by couples approaching their sex life the same way again and again and crossing their fingers hoping that this time will be different. I’m not dissing hope here – it is a key ingredient to behaviour change – yet when done passively, it’s becomes kind of hopeless.
Rather than pretend you don’t care – let’s quickly shine the spotlight on the deepest truth of them all:
Women care. So much.
Now that we know that you do care, what I want to know is: are you with me when it comes to changing the script from being chronically sexually dissatisfied to being sexually satisfied?
Woah! I think I just heard a chorus of collective yes’s from women all over the world!
Now that we are all on board with taking an active approach to your level of sexual satisfaction, we are going to start with a little bit of word play (my second favourite type of play).
Sexual satisfaction is…
First of all, what is your definition of sexual satisfaction?
You see, Bob’s next door and your friend Amy’s definition and version of sexual satisfaction might look, sound and feel very different to yours.
Take a moment to breathe, drop the notion of what you should say and ask yourself: how will I know I am sexually satisfied?
What will I feel like on the inside?
What will I look like on the outside?
If you need some prompts, your sexual satisfaction inventory might look like and sound like this:
I know I am sexually satisfied when I have been acknowledged in sex. My pleasure and enjoyment are an important part of what happens.
I know because if I caught myself in a mirror with my soft bod’, cheeky grin and flushed cheeks, I would see a satisfied woman.
I know I am sexually satisfied because I feel full. Satiated. At peace. I want for nothing.
I know I am satisfied because we were both involved in sex. It wasn’t a one-way interaction.
I know I am satisfied because at the end, instead of feeling bitter and used, I feel like we shared an experience. There was intimacy.
All of this is important because you need to own what makes you feel good. This is the foundation of your sex life that can’t be overlooked. If this is rocky then you won’t be well equipped to communicate what it is you want and what will get you closer to satisfaction.
Brainstorm what you like
Secondly, it’s time for a brainstorm minus the butchers paper. What are the activities of sex that help you get closer to sexual satisfaction?
+Receiving oral sex
+Doing some breathwork together
+Receiving a whole body massage with oil
+Taking the time to chat/dance/connect before sex starts
+Being taken by your partner – it feels satisfying to surrender
+Guiding your partners hand how you like to be touched
+Taking the lead in sex
+Make love slowly
+Using the sexual positions where you are most comfortable
+Giving oral sex
+Incorporating a sex toy
+Using role-play or outfits
+Hearing that you are hot shit
+Having other parts of your body touched – not just your erogenous zones
+Including scents, drinks, food, music and other sensations
Getting specific about what will help you to feel satisfied sexually is one of the keys because it puts a halt to miscommunication that inevitably builds frustration. A big part of the problem in bedrooms around the world is that partners are asking: what do you want? What do you like? Only to get shrugged shoulders and the words: I don’t know. We are in a bind when this happens and it is so possible for you to be unbound.
Speak to the dissatisfaction to release the charge
If you need some time to work all of this out, can you say to your partner: I know you are frustrated with our sex life. I am too. I am trying to work out what will help me to feel good so that we can both feel satisfied.
This style of communication is a bridge – it works because you are making a pledge of sorts by acknowledging what is that isn’t working and saying that you want things to be different. It takes guts to be vulnerable in this way but the alternative is to keep doing what you have always done and to keep getting what you always got.
Amidst all these changes, it’s perfectly normal if you are still feeling some anger, bitterness or resentment for your partner who seems to have their sexual satisfaction on tap. My advice is to not keep feeding the thoughts that focus on ‘what they have that you don’t have’ or ‘how easy it is for them but how hard it is for you’. All of this will keep you stuck. Really keep your eyes on how you are wanting to change things for you so that you can both feel mutually satisfied. When you feel sexually empowered, there will be far less focus on the anger and bitterness because you won’t be feeling like you are falling short anymore. If you do happen to keep feeling this way despite your own growth, there may be bigger blocks to intimacy at play that fall outside of your sexual relationship. This could mean that it is time to address what other ways you are disconnected.
When I stopped relying on my husband to work out my sexual satisfaction for me and took my sexual expression into my own hands, I began to be liberated because I was solving the mystery for myself. There was no more miscommunication, no more waiting for this magical day when everything would just work and no more wading in the waters of dissatisfaction.
P.S. If you are feeling like no matter what you do, the dissatisfaction persists, it could well be time for some external help. I have helped hundreds of women to have ‘aha’ moments about their sex life because oftentimes, we just can’t see what is happening in our own life. Also, empowered women empower women! If you are feeling the call, head over to my sessions page and put your foot firmly in the door by booking an introductory session. There’s every chance that the satisfaction you are seeking is closer than you think.