Libidooooooo
Li-biiii-doooooooo ?!
Sex drive?
Any drive?
Is there an echo when you call out to your libido??
Or is there just silence?
If you are calling out into the dark and not getting much back know that you aren't alone. Across Australia and the world right now, millions of women are asking...why don't I want it?
Why do I feel like I could live without it?
Never fear, your resident sexologist is here.
I'm happy to tell you why and where your libido has gone and share with you some tweaks as to how to call her back. After all, I want you to get an echo back when you call out to your libido. Better than that, I want you to really be friends with your libido and understand it on a whole other level.
First of all, your libido isn't purely sexual. Think of it instead as your life force energy. It doesn't exist in isolation from the rest of you and isn't something that lives in a box that we open every now and again.
All the parts of your life and how you choose to live it flow into your libido. You know how sex gets started and your mind is still elsewhere? That's because whatever you are thinking about has an influence as to how you feel about sex or what you have left in the tank for sex and intimacy. If life is going at 100kms/h, it can feel really incompatible slowing down and being present in sex.
On that note of distractions and what is left in the tank - I notice this one gets a lot more problematic when my high achiever mode is in full force. (Is it that way for you?) How funny – getting distracted before intimacy because I’m thinking about how I want to serve my sexuality business. Hahaha…so funny, so human.
I get it – here’s what I do when distraction and feeling like my libido isn’t into it happens…
I give myself a pep talk. I call my libido back – lasso her back to me when she has drowned in a word document or in chopping up 63 pieces of fruit for the girls. I say…
How does fretting about this thing/project/obligation actually turn it into something of higher quality?
It’s safe for me to not do any tasks and to prioritise intimacy.
How does me not showing up to my intimate life HELP and acknowledge and FEED my intimate life?
Notice a few things here: I’m not berating myself or criticising myself. I’m also not putting pressure on myself. I’m asking questions out of curiosity and gentle enquiry.
I’m NOT thinking things like:
I don’t have a libido (but I used to think this)
What’s the point?
I want to WANT it.
Or any other dialogue that isn’t productive and doesn’t generate gentle action.
Talk to your libido like a good friend…your best friend. Don’t force it and set unrealistic expectations – like feeling like you want your partner like you did in those early days. It’s sweet that you want that but those days are gone.
Let’s set a new bar of getting interested in sex – it’s so much more likely to happen than full on wanting and desire.
Also, don’t forget, sex requires ENERGY and for as long as we are pouring and putting all our libido energy into other things well, there's going to be little left for the sexual kind. Deep breath, I'm going to give you some hope...
A lot of the work I do with my clients isn't about radically overhauling their lives. It's about tweaking what currently is and moving the parts around.
Firstly, you can't keep doing everything...
Drop some stuff from your life that isn’t working or is major time suckage. It might be a committee position or body corp or I dunno?
We (Ed and I) keep our lives pretty streamlined and keep our time focused on what is the best INVESTMENT. What serves me/us/him now and for the future? What will bring something back to us or the community we are creating?
Another thing - what can you outsource? Is a cleaner once a fortnight a good investment in your sanity and intimacy (answer is always yes by the way!) What does parting with that money compare to what you get back from it?
Less burnout means more mojo.
(That should be made into a billboard!)
You can also get your own libido back by doing this one simple thing…
Don't compare your libido to a man's. They aren't the same as us. Our anatomy is a symphony, his is one instrument.
We live in a world with the male libido as the benchmark but for NO REASON at all. It isn't superior, just different in its expression. And never forget that your libido has gone through a completely different set of conditions and rules and stipulations. Your libido has been through a gauntlet trying to ensure that it isn't too much and it isn't not enough (so many negatives that I am tripling up!).
To be honest, I'm still not clear on what this perfect yet elusive libido place is for women. Where are we meant to be – where will be enough? Anywho, I’m not aiming for that mysterious and impossible place and neither should you. It doesn’t exist and it’s like trying to make you fit into a spot you don’t belong.
So stop comparing your libido with your partners or any other person. It isn’t healthy and it isn’t comparable.
It’s dangerous and can have you falling into the trap of thinking – their libido is high and mine is low.
Yours isn’t low. It isn’t missing. You have not lost your libido.
Your libido is however, quiet. See how quiet feels better than lost or missing or non-existent?
Some ways to turn up the volume on your libido include:
+Speaking to it like a friend like I mentioned above. Enquiry over criticism.
+Reminding yourself you do have a libido and you are doing all that you can to turn up the volume on it.
+Moving your pelvis. Do not expect your pelvis to be on for sex if you don’t move it throughout the day. It can’t sit in a chair all day and then magically switch on. Circle it, undulate it, rock it – do it in the office bathroom if you have to! Remember – you are a sexual woman with a sexual body. Treat it as such.
+Really allow yourself to enjoy that sex scene. My clients love Outlander for it’s…costumes. Just kidding! I think they like it for some of the sex scenes. Swap trashy reality for something like this and your libido will thank you (PS I think reality TV depletes your libido – this is quality time in your life you won’t get back and you could be spending it making love/having fun or as my friend puts it – a good old Aussie shag).
+A final big trick of the trade for libido is to think about what isn’t working. I KNOW you want to put pleasure in but we’ve got to work out what is putting your libido OFF. Dig deep and if it really irritates you, it’s gotta stop or change to make space for something that will turn UP the volume on your libido.
OK OK – one more!
Please, please, please. Watch your alcohol use. The short version is, it depletes libido because it puts a strain on the liver which is responsible for eliminating your old SEX hormones. When they don’t get eliminated properly, they can get backed up and make you feel sluggish and NOT sexy. We want your endocrine system working beautifully to help the hormones do their thing - we want LUSH oestrogen and testosterone peaks to help you get into it and be orgasmic.
Alcohol might also let your sexy side come out but I like to put a rebuttal to that one by saying – if it’s possible with alcohol then it’s possible without. You’ve got all of that sexual energy inside – let you be the green light to unleash it!
Lauren xo