There are arbitrary numbers out there when it comes to birth and the postpartum period. You get a 6 week check from your GP, which somewhat attempts to lump EVERYTHING into the one basket. So, when you were informed that you could have sex (if you were informed), how did you feel? Did you feel ready or did this tick of approval see you mentally running away in your head?
Self-worth and sex. They are inextricable. The benefit of having solid self-worth is that we start to understand the points in our lives where we are holding ourselves back from not only what we want to call in now but what we want to call in for the future as well. I really want to ask you today, is your life and sex life on a loop because your low self-worth isn’t igniting you to take any action?
When women come and see me in sessions, I am very aware of the fact that (if she is in a relationship) that I am also, in some ways, seeing her partner in sessions as well…without actually seeing him. We women have created some habits that we need your support to shift. There's so much we want men to know about us but we get stuck with how to tell you. So today, I am playing translator to let men know how they can support their female partner when it feels like she is checking out of their sex life.
There isn't a sex rulebook out there telling you what to like and feel and do but if you’re feeling like you don’t really get sex and what is expected – there may be some silent rules floating around that you are following blindly (but you don't have to). The rules are there are no rules when it comes to sex between two adults saying yes so try some of these on for a moment to see if these are some rules you need to break (because sweet freedom is lying on the other side).
When I dropped the notion of always having to be ON and learnt to embrace my cyclical nature, my life had a lot less resistance. Now that I know what I know, when sex is propositioned, I check-in straight away with where I am at in my cycle because it informs me of what my needs might be and what kind of sex I am up for. Here is a look at how I sync sex with my cycle through the four phases.
Recently, I was talking to a client about lying in the mess. You probably already know you have a problem with mess if you spring out of bed as soon as sex is finished (and it isn't just to do a wee because you are worried about a UTI). You find the mess of sex, like the fluids and lubrication all a bit messy. And messy makes you screw your nose up. Today I am asking if you could try befriending the mess a little more...
Being in a long-term relationship doesn't have to spell sexual boredom in fact being with someone long term often presented with more changes than we ever expected and our sex life isn't protected from these changes. In fact, we need to embrace them. Just as you evolve within your identity on a personal level, so too will your libido.Here's my best sex advice for couples wanting to shake things up when sexual boredom has taken hold. (Hint: it’s more about mindset than what you actually DO).
I wanted to take the time today to explore what is going on for her internally and to propose what she can do to experience this act of elation, this act of opening, this act of vulnerability with the person that she loves most. The focus here is on having her orgasm witnessed or seen by her partner – not what he can do to make her come (not my niche). I have found that this issue really isn’t about the skills in sex - this isn't about him not having the ability to facilitate her arousal and help her move towards orgasm. The block is more with her holding her own orgasm back.
If you are having sex every time with the lights off then it means that anxiety is running the show for your sex life (nooooooo!). It means that you are missing out on valuable connection with your partner that rarely happens outside of those precious moments where you are pleasing each other, bonding and connecting. Here is my 3 step process to start having sex with the lights on.
I’ve been with my husband a loooooong time. It’ll be our 10-year wedding anniversary this year. But time alone hasn’t absolved me from the discomfort of giving feedback in sex. It’s a learned behaviour that has been slowly integrated over time. My confidence to communicate really amplified when I started learning specific talk and consent practices through a certification process I learnt in 2014 (which I share with my 1:1 clients). One night I decided to hand over the mic to my husband Ed to get his perspective on what it is like to get feedback from me in sex. You might find (like me) that your partner doesn’t feel as much rejection as you think or assume...
Alcohol. It has facilitated countless experiences of sex. It's murky. It has some good points but it can make our orgasm flatline. Here's my take on when you should and shouldn't drink to get into sex...
Tapping into your power means getting closer to your anatomy and I have sourced two ways to do this! Via underwear and via no underwear so I thought I'd talk to you today about your cycle (if you cycle) and the power of pants that can help you during that time of the month and then what to do the rest of the month from a sexologist’s perspective.