When vibrators, lingerie and dress ups don’t work: A client's story.

They are easy to get, affordable and fun. They make it all seem so simple – that when this product is used in sex then my hang-ups will magically dissolve. Tempting. It’s this simplicity that makes Sexpo hum along with massive attendance every year and the porn industry the ginormous entity that it is. Yet so much of it doesn’t even scratch the surface of truly helping women and the stunning web that is female sexuality.

A number of the women that come and see me for sex coaching have been though the whole list of sex toys, products, lubes, pornography, clothes, challenges, courses, e-books – you name it! I had a client a few months ago called Elly* that proceeded to list everything that she had tried and done off of a mental list and my mouth dropped open. I couldn’t resist saying out loud: “I’m feeling a little intimidated – I’m wondering how I can help you?”

As Elly began to share more of her story and concerns, I realised that I had quickly fallen into an old mental trap.

It’s the trap that makes you believe that doing a lot of sexual exploration will mean more confidence, embodiment and authenticity.

But all the stuff in the sexy world is a false commodity if it doesn’t solve your problems and I felt the immense pain of this for the woman sitting before me. She was just trying to do her best to work it all out and the promise of more didn’t deliver.

Instead of all of this input, information and stimuli helping her to open up, get clear and in control, it worked to compound her presenting issues. You see, none of it educated her about her desires, her boundaries or was able to examine the aspects of her daily life and identity that needed tender care so that she could show her true colours in sex. 

She was frustrated. She was sad. She kept taking action in the hope that the next piece would be the one that cracked her libido code.

So we stripped it back. Elly started sessions with sharing and shedding memories around repression, religion, disgust and shame {we need to clear the old stories and negativity to get to the pleasure}. She expressed to me that she felt a sense of guilt for needing coaching – that her problems weren’t "bad enough" compared to other women’s. I normalised this common feeling and clarified that her sexual concerns were completely valid and warranted attention – she loves her husband, she enjoys her arousal and orgasm but there were major blocks in her body and mind.

Elly also felt a lot of pressure to be someone that she was not in sex and this was causing her to shutdown. In short, she needed coaching to find her true sexual self. She also needed a safe space to express herself and to take the first big steps towards trusting her instincts.

Elly was so used to doing what pleased others, regardless of her own level of comfort that she didn’t know what she liked and didn’t like. It was all a jumble that had her avoiding sex altogether.

We discussed options, means of communication, touch styles and the ways that her and her husband could feel connection and intimacy without pressure. Ultimately, Elly needed to affirm her trust in herself by taking repetitive actions that honoured her boundaries.

When you know how to navigate the internal confusion, the ways of relating, the intentions behind touch and approaches, it makes for a far more satisfying sexual experience. When the foundation is solid, all of the fun, lightness, playfulness and curiosity (and sex toys, lubes and challenges) can follow. I posted on social media recently: You need to take your libido seriously before you have fun with it. It's true.

So if you’ve found yourself at a point where the adding more to your sex life isn’t working, it’s time to come see me to talk it out. Let’s subtract what you don’t need so you can simply be the real you in sex. 

Lauren xo

1.1 sessions are the most potent, direct and affordable way to address your sexual concerns. They have the power to not only nourish you but your relationship in the most long-lasting way. Read here to find out more. 

Groups more your style? Conversations : Crack Your Confidence is coming up on Monday 19th May - check it out here to get what you need to authentically boost your sexual connection to yourself and your partner.

*Not the client's actual name. Details changed to protect privacy*