Hold on...wait wait wait - I hear you cry.
I've read Permission and you wrote a WHOLE chapter called ‘Permission to not use products’ and toys and beads and balls and NOW you're telling me you've got favourite sex toys that I must own. WTF?!?
Yeah, I get it. I almost heard you whisper traitor but bear with me. What I’m about to say - it’s not what you think.
The sex toys I think you have to have aren't actually sex toys…more like objects you can bring into the bedroom that supplement and assist what is going on in your body.
Are we clear? More importantly, are we cool?
Good. Cos what I'm about to share is important and will give you a better chance of feeling the sexy stuff.
I'm not talking vibrators, swings, butt plugs or strap-ons. These sex toys and pleasure objects are things you could innocently leave lying around and no one would be any wiser so we can skip the blushing, embarrassment and discomfort.
Here goes. My favourite non-sexual sex toys are:
A gentle bit of weight with a bit if heat. What's sexier than that? Not much really. A heat pack is a wonderful ally in the bedroom to place over different parts of your body that need warmth. If you are oestrogen dominant in your body, you naturally run a little cooler than testosterone dominant bodies so get the heat on anything that feels blocked or stuck.
One of my favourite things to do is have my heat pack on my heart or womb while other places are being touched but you might want it on your feet, throat, or lower back (The back of your sacral chakra) to get the blood flowing.
Notice how there are heaps of weighted blankets on the market now (or are they totally just targeting me because they know I want one) - this is a product that is tapping into the need for safety and to feel held. Think of the heat pack as a mini version of that.
Cost: $10 to $20
Effort: Minimal. 2 mins in the microwave.
Feel free to rummage through the drawers and shake off the dust on that old scarf that isn't getting a whole lot of love. If you live in a warm climate like me, that scarf reallllly isn't being used to it's potential. Now, in case there is any confusion, I don't mean a woollen scarf unless that texture does it for you. I'm talking about a neck scarf that is light and soft, maybe silky.
Scarves are great for slowly drawing over the skin to awaken some of the nerve endings that are more sensitive than fingertips can support. Wave the scarf over your own skin during self pleasure and give it a test run before bringing it into partner sex. Try touching yourself through the scarf to heighten sensation and wanting instead of speeding everything up by doing exactly what you know works. This is about embracing the art of tease again.
Cost - free. You got one somewhere!
Effort – minimal
Years ago, I bought a pillow from a sex toy shop that was made specifically for placing under your hips to support you in sex when engaging in a from behind position. It was angled and even had handles on the side...I'm assuming for your very satisfied lover to grasp during thrusting? Whilst I haven't pulled it out in a while, I have cracked out a few extra pillows from the guest room so that I am never rummaging for support during sex. If you're like me, you're choosy and you like things to be a certain way, including having your shoulders, neck and head on a certain angle when receiving touch. They are also perfect for cuddling and supporting you after sex and keeping everything cosy. You don't need to go out and buy the sex pillow I did, just use an ordinary one to prop your hips up in sex!
Cost - $10 to $30 and you can often get packs of two
Effort – minimal
Mirror mirror in your hand, who has the most beautiful vulva/pussy/yoni of them all? Why, you do!! Seriously, your body is amazing, whatever configuration of genitals you have and how they are shaped and positioned. Everything is perfect as it is! But you gotta see what you got to connect with it. Seeing, noticing and witnessing makes for a better relationship with your body and to own it as it is. That's empowerment.
The best time to look and admire is after a shower or bath because you are warmer (remember what I said before about oestrogen based bodies?) Where you can't be disturbed and you give yourself 5 minutes. I've given variations of this as home exercise for some women over the years to connect and acknowledge the sexual representation within their anatomy. No more avoiding, no more existing from the neck up.
Cost: $5 - $10
Effort: Will use several muscles in your hand and wrist.
Is scent a sex toy? Well, in my experience, yes! The receptors in our nose work fast to create an internal experience or re-jig a memory. I leap straight back into being 18 years old when I smell anything like the perfume I wore then – scent is powerful. If intimacy is getting started and I feel a little untethered and my senses need a boost, I leap up and grab an oil. Personally, I’m a fan of Perfect Potion cos they are Australian made and owned and going into the shop is an experience in itself (#justgivemeallthethings).
Using an oil to smell or put on your body only during sexual occasions means that it gives you the message that something sexual is happening and you are safe to drop into that. It’s fast and powerful.
You can also get really choosy about what you need in that moment – is your heart tired? Use a heart focused oil on your heart. Is your voice quiet? Use a throat focused oil on your shoulders and neck. Does your womb need waking up a little? Use the sacral chakra oil or Ylang Ylang on your womb.
As my body gets warm, the scents waft up and help me reach more presence. It’s no magic bullet but because presence increases sensation, I’m willing to call it a sex toy.
Cost: $15+ per essential oil
Effort: Minimal and you’ll enjoy it - the shop AND the sniffing/rubbing it in
Second to scents is music. It gets the blood flowing with our bodies moving and certain songs remind us we are or have been sexual creatures when we feel so far away from all of that.
When I became a mama the first time, I noticed how much music left my life. It wasn’t intentional, just, other things took priority than popping a CD on. And yes, I still put CD’s on because there is something about this that makes it tactile and very cool.
Perhaps there was a time in your life when you felt free in your life and some pieces of music went along with this ride…if so, go put them on! Recall that feeling, remind yourself that you are still sexual and can move and FANTASISE. Bonus points for doing this alcohol/drug free.
Cost: Free - if you don’t have the music YouTube it.
The bath tap
Use your imagination with this one. Constance Hall reminded me of this old trick (that I actually hadn’t tried) and yeah, it works! Get down-regulated and decompress in the bath, let the water flow over you and do it’s thing. A little bit of gymnastics is needed but it’s minimal. Who knew a tap could hold so much power and pleasure?
Cost: A bit of water usage so maybe do it as the bath is filling to cut down and only once in a while #treat
Effort: The position is a little contorted but hey, it’s like a little strength exercise as you do it!
Feeling a little less daunted now about your “sex toy” collection?
Realising you’ll never look at that bath tap in the same way again?
Good! Honestly, sex is about…if it feels good (and is safe and consensual), do it!
Comment below to let me know how you get on!
P.S. If you’re having trouble implementing this, blocks around communicating what it is you are trying out with your partner or just feeling like you understand this in your head but you are avoiding trying anything new then perhaps it is time for a little support and guidance…to get some of what is inside of you OUT before we go trying to put new things on top - because that’s how we work - we get the old stuff out and then the new stuff has space to come in. And yes, I have the solution - an pressure free yet productive introductory session with me - have a look and book at my sessions page.