Turn-up series #1: The cost of being the cool wife

A client said to me recently that she wanted to make sure that she was the cool wife in her relationship. I started getting pictures in my mind of what that looked like and whilst she filled in the gaps with references of keeping the peace, she said that she played the cool wife because she definitely did not want to be the bitch wife.

She said it this way because she had believed that there only two types of wives you could be.

Cool wife or bitch wife.

High-maintenance wife or low-maintenance wife.

If you aren’t yet familiar with her and the expectations that society puts on her, the cool wife is the advanced product of always playing the good girl. She does everything for everyone with a smile yet ultimately feels alone.

She will be described as nice and lovely. She dares not give the other parts of herself space to be seen. To do so would show cracks and it’s not that she isn’t true about living her life as a giver… 

It’s just that she has learnt to say exactly what people want to hear.

I talk to women about their most intimate lives for a living. These women are powerhouses in their daily lives (especially in their work) but feel completely out of touch with their sensuality and their boundaries with their partners.

They are women that still have the full force of the good girl inside of them and they placate and please to make sure that no one else is uncomfortable.

This is the cool wife’s greatest discomfort – when she sees others in discomfort.

She would rather herself be uncomfortable than anyone else.

She is accustomed to performing under pressure - it is a constant in her life.

She says yes to everything that her man or woman needs to do to look after their own identity.

She is easy going and happy to give.

She says yes instantly with a smile.

So when the yes is applied to all lines of enquiry and requests, she will inevitably get tired. And bitter.

Tired and bitter does not make for a satisfying bedroom experience so instead of being the cool wife with the open minded wild sex life, she begins to placate rather than volunteer.

She feels cornered rather than eager to initiate.

She knows how to sprinkle the relationship with a bit of edge – like interesting dates and travels that exude spice and novelty but the only person that edge doesn't benefit is herself. It’s all for everyone else.

Truth time: Being the cool wife isn't good for your sex life.

The beauty of sex is in the natural ebb and flow of truly wanting to give and receive touch, time and energy in the name of joy, love and pleasure. None of this can thrive in a space where one party feels that they have to act a certain way for fear of not being enough.

When women start acting in sex, they get further and further from their pleasure. Their head stays in charge of what happens rather than their body taking the lead and doing simply what feels good.

Boundaries in sex get very blurry for the cool wife. She easily gets talked around to doing things. The problem is that these sexual acts might not be things that she wants to do. 

It’s important that you understand that you don’t have to like everything in sex and you don’t have to do everything in sex.

This is what the cool wife fears – being perceived to be mean and selfish by withholding. Everything the cool wife does is black and white. If she isn’t accommodating then she will lose points in the reliability, worthiness and helpful departments. Only she knows the tally.

Some antidotes to edging away from the cool wife are…

+To learn more about your boundaries – that slightly flexible line that exists between you and another person

+To understand where your consent lies – your consent is your yes and your no to an offering. Notice when you don’t feel good saying yes – that is an indication that it is probably a no.

+To learn to protect yourself – but rather than shielding off worries about how others will see you, you are protecting yourself from further violations of your time, energy and body.

+To start to speak up – to not assume that people can tell you don’t want to do something. It needs to move away from vague and into much clearer waters.

+To start to source your desires so that you are choosing what your intuition wants. The simplest way to practice this is with a menu in a restaurant. Don’t ask what anyone else is getting, simply read through and ask yourself, what do I want?


Ready to drop the cool wife and upgrade to just being you?


I've got great news! I'm running a FREE webinar on Monday August 21st at 8pm (AEST) to help you learn actionable ways that you can turn up your volume and move on to sourcing your voice that feels like…you! PLUS

+how to break the cycle of staying quiet and people pleasing

+the feelings and actions that will give you the resolve you need to be empowered

+the words that deliver unshakeable clarity 

and MORE! Comments and participation most definitely welcome - read more and join HERE!

Lauren xo