Humans touch constantly. It’s so normal. So natural. So organic, right?
So then why does it feel so fricken awkward?
Why does it get stuck on the same loop where we know exactly what is going to happen in sex?
There’s no variety. No pleasant surprises.
You’d think that touch being so common and natural that we should always know what we're doing and why we're doing it.
There's also a prevailing assumption that when we know somebody intimately that I know what it is that they like and when they like it. Problem is, this mentality doesn't translate to touch reality. There are so many different styles of touch and behind each style of touch is an intention or a reason why someone is putting that touch out there. When everything aligns and both parties are on the same pleasure wave, it creates a beautiful tapestry of sensation.
But when it goes wrong, it can be a catalyst for some serious conflict.
The thing about sexual touch specifically is that it's loaded. Someone places their hands where they want to touch a specific part of their partners body not realising that their partner on the receiving end is triggered or uncomfortable and for some reason on that day what usually works just doesn't.
Touch is the external expression of a feeling or a desire to create a feeling. And as the receiver, we know that touch is loaded with a feeling and an intention. We know when it is creepy, when it is invasive and when it is healing and nurturing.
And we haven't even started talking about context.
Context (your environment or space) is that all-important factor that determines how touch will be received. Here's an example for you:
Would you be open to receiving oral sex in the unlocked bathroom of a small house with lots of family members present?
Would you be open to receiving oral sex in the safety and privacy of your own bedroom of an empty house?
If you would prefer the latter rather than the former then context is an important consideration in your sexual pleasure. If not, lucky you! There is one less thing to think about.
Context is really big for women because we are so easily distracted. It’s biologically why men can hone in and block out the external noise, regardless of the environment. Women on the other hand need to be a bit more choosy. Don’t fight it; work with it.
Touch of any nature ultimately needs to bring a sense of safety. The touch itself can be really risqué but the woman needs to feel safe underneath that touch. The environment or the space that she's receiving the touching can also appear really risqué or even thrilling but she needs to feel safe in herself in that space to become sexually open. The alignment of external and internal safety will allow her to be far more confident as to what touch she is giving and a lot more receptive to what touch she's receiving.
Touch is loaded. It has the power to connect people and the potential to tear them apart.
Touch tears people apart when it is abusive, violent, when it steals the goodness and innocence from someone. Misunderstandings about touch create unknown quantities of conflict. It’s so sad that with just a few simple tools and some mature communication techniques, we can meet each other by giving in a way that feels good and receiving in a way that feels right.
Every time you touch another person ask yourself:
Is this touch for my benefit or is it for their benefit?
Either way, when you touch someone, there is an agreement. All too often, it is a silent agreement and it is usually when the touch is finished that the dissatisfaction is spoken to. It does not have to play out this way.
To get some clarity on touch, here are three different touch styles that you can bring into your sex life tonight:
#1 The feather light touch. Using the tips of your fingers gently stroke down your partner's forum forearm. Stroke the flank and the nape of the neck. Ask them what it feels like how's the pressure? If it feels creepy, make the pressure a bit firmer.
#2 Gentle and slow grabbing. Without using your fingernails, use the tips of your fingers to gently and slowly grab your partner's skin. Think of it as clawing your fingertips into their flesh without scratching them. Make it slow and make it considered. Be sure to use this touch on the flashiest pieces of their body and give their erogenous zones a miss (breasts and pussy/yoni/vulva) unless they specifically ask for it.
#3 Kneading using your thumbs. Use your thumbs to knead into the skin this is a great one because it could be used all over the body and the pressure of touch can be varied depending on the part of the body. Imagine your two thumbs rolling and kneading dough. Rotate your thumbs over each other and use this motion on your partner's skin and on the outer lips of her pussy. Be sure to use oil with any kneading touch to keep the motions smooth.
Need to know more about touch? I’ll be speaking to it for 2 hours in the safety of a group of women that have said yes to Conversations on Monday 24th April. We are going to get really specific about how you can source what it is that you do like about touch and how to bring more variety into your sex life. Read more and book your ticket here.