The words and the concept of self-worth didn’t have a lot of meaning for me until I did a mammoth online course all about money in 2016. More specifically, the course was focused on how women feel about money and abundance. Witnessing the process for all the other women in the course and within myself, it became crystal clear that a lot of us have problems with receiving and on a much deeper level, our self-worth.
Blocks with money and blocks with sex are somewhat similar because both have a lot to do with survival and pleasure. Problem is that we often swing well into one camp where we feel overly comfortable with sex and money for survival (survival to keep the relationship alive or sex purely for procreation) but we feel very uncomfortable with sex and money for the sake of pure pleasure.
At the root of it all is what our relationship is to our self-worth. I had to trudge through mud to break-through to the other side of this one. As I went through the course, the content moved from this is interesting to oh fuck I have been holding myself back in all these parts of my life because I don’t think I am worthy. With hot tears streaming down my face, I had a checklist of whether I am worthy of nice things, clothes, the right haircuts, friends, money, holidays, relaxation services and household items that work. The list felt endless and I could hardly see the page through the tears.
All of these things aren’t just things or stuff. They are a reflection for our self worth. The connection to sex is if you are not feeling self-worth in the day then you are probably going to struggle with it in the bedroom.
It was a hard fucking mirror to look in. I was so polarised in so many ways – my worth sat so comfortably high with my home (because that is a top priority for me) but when it came to some other everyday basics that would just make my life easier, I was so blocked. I just couldn’t justify spending money on things that seemed superfluous or frivolous. I wasn’t living in this form of denial in my whole life but it was showing up in some significant places.
What I didn’t realise is that these little things represent the bigger things and were actually inhibiting my ability to have ease in my life. The short version is:
I was making life harder for myself because I wasn’t prioritising pleasure and wasn’t feeling worthy of feeling good.
There was also this ongoing dialogue of: I’ll put my time, my energy, my money into something else instead of what I want that is just fun or pleasurable….or when all of these other things are done, then I can do this pleasurable thing.
It’s exhausting. And it’s a sure-fire way to be on a fast track to depletion because there is always one more thing to do or prove before we feel worthy.
The benefit of having solid self-worth is that we start to understand the points in our lives where we are holding ourselves back from not only what we want to call in now but what we want to call in for the future as well. Your future self is important because she will be reaping the rewards and the liberation of what you do today.
So, is your life and sex life on a loop because your low self-worth isn’t igniting you to take any action?
:: Self-worth Truths and Enhancers ::
Self-worth often has to feel the pain of rock bottom before we rise and change…And just to normalise – we humans are suckers for pain. It usually has to get painful before we take any action. I know this from my own life and from walking alongside the experiences of my clients. Feeling the pain and the persistent feeling of being blocked by low self-worth can be the biggest motivator. But I don’t want it to get that bad for you. Try and intervene a little earlier.
You are worthy of feeling so much more than just surviving through your life. Where are you struggling with feeling worthy in your life? What is it you really want that you consistently hold yourself back from obtaining because you don’t feel worthy?
It could be making art that you are burning to make or putting your image up on social media because you are comparing yourself to all the other ‘more photogenic/beautiful/lovely’ whatever phrase is being conjured up by your tricky mind. None of that is true. You are worthy of being seen and of creating because you feel compelled to.
If you can hear the words like: It’s ok for other people but it’s not for me. It’s ok for other people to have pleasurable sex, that’s not for me. That’s for other people…
On full volume then know that this internal dialogue that constantly has you separating yourself from other people (especially women) is a key indicator that your self-worth needs some TLC. Right now.
That mindset defaults to the: you aren’t enough and there isn’t enough for you – only this person can have self-worth and the life they want. You weren’t destined…
Is also called scarcity mode. The belief is that there isn’t enough to go around but there is! Self-worth is limitless.
Now, this isn’t some Law of Attraction hoo-hah I’m going into right now. At the foundation of it all it is about you taking that first step forward in your daily life to declare your worthiness. It’s about you going for what you want because no-one else is going to do it for you (because they can’t – worthiness doesn’t come from external sources, it’s all on the inside baby).
When you have a sense of mastery and confidence around that non-sexual step, you are better prepared to take action when it comes to your next sexual step forward.
This is how low self-worth usually shows up in sex:
Do you not feel worthy of someone’s attention or their time?
Are you constantly putting everything back on your partner because you don’t feel worthy of receiving their time or their attention?
Low self-worth means that we feel disconnected from our sexual pleasure because we constantly make sure that other people feel happy, often at the cost of our own happiness. We get worried about how much time they are taking to pleasure us or that we will be seen as selfish for hogging all the attention. This approach results in a frustrated woman because her needs are never met or her orgasm is never reached.
A little reminder: you are worthy of taking your time in sex, you are worthy of garnering attention in sex and you are worthy of pleasure in sex.
When it comes to moving into healthy self-worth, it’s important that you flip the script from:
It’s not safe for me to do x, buy y or feel z
it is safe for me to do x, buy y and feel z.
Listen to the way to words play out in your mind when you are blocking yourself and flip them around. This isn’t about completely radicalising your personality or moving from being in survival mode to a complete hedonist – this is about opening and shifting. Master it in the daytime then you can easily bring this approach into sex.
What does self-worth mean to you?
Are you worthy of being sexual? (If it is a no, why not?)
Where is the most pressing part of your life where you are denying what you are worthy of?
Let me know how you move through this big one by commenting below. It's important, don't overlook it.