I've worked with far too many women in long-term relationships that are completely giving their power over in sex in the name of love, compromise and giving. They haven't listened to their heart or their body and the end result is that they are going through sexual shutdown and aversion. But it isn't a one-off event that has them turning away from sex, but a series of events, sometimes appearing small and innocuous. And because so many women have enormous hearts and we put others before ourselves, we accidentally keep hurting ourselves and are actively turning ourselves off sex (what I call the subtle betrayal as in this blog post).
Your yes and your no can be translated as your consent. Consent is an agreement between two or more people and is up for review moment-to-moment, not just on the one occasion. And regardless of your tastes in sex, if the following are happening and you haven't given them the green light then these have to stop. It's non-negotiable. These are the boundaries you have to have in sex. It's a no to:
+Your partner having sex with you when you are still asleep. This is a complete violation of your body; is happening because you can't protest and turn your partner down and is above all disrespectful. You are not a sex doll.
+Your partner taking photos of your body when you are still asleep. These will be likely be used for masturbation/self-pleasure and are uncontrolled documents in that you don't know where they will go. If you haven't said yes, it's a boundary violation.
+Being grabbed and groped, especially on your erogenous zones in non-sexual situations where you have asked for this to stop. It's irritating, annoying and isn't foreplay that will arouse you. It also makes women feel like nags and then they feel like they are in a parent/child dynamic with their partner which is very unsexy.
+Being leered at/watched intensely when you are naked or changing clothes. This isn't admiring you; it is a threat that you will be conquered and devoured. This is not sexy and won't get you psyched for sex if you haven't said yes to it. They are the hunter but you don't want to be hunted and it will make you retreat and not want to be naked and in your naturalness. That's a killer for sexual confidence.
+Having intercourse vaginally and/or anally when every fibre in your body is saying you don't want to. It doesn't matter the reason, your body doesn't want to do it and the more you push and force, the further you will get from sexual pleasure and satisfaction. Don't hurt yourself in the name of another person's pleasure. You will become resentful.
+Bringing someone else or another couple into your sexual relationship where it is a full no from you. I've seen this create so much stress for women when all they want is exclusivity and monogamy in their relationship. If this happens when you have said no then the situation puts another block between you and your partner rather than bringing you closer together. Are there other cracks in the relationship that need to be addressed first? It can also be too exposing and diminish any sexual self confidence or sense of safety you had.
+Sexual positions where you feel used or acts that feel completely fake and inauthentic to you. If you don't want your sex life to feel like a porno and it is doing damage to your confidence in sex, it's got to stop. If you and your partner really want to see you be sexually free and unencumbered then pretending to be someone you're not isn't the answer.
If these feel all too familiar, it is a call for boundaries to be established. The risk of not speaking up and standing your own ground is that you will feel increasingly frustrated with your sex life and you might even shutdown altogether. More concerning is that these violations can trigger or create trauma.
You will say yes more when your no is truly heard and acknowledged.
I love helping women create the sex life they want and the best place to start is by looking at what needs to change so that you can move towards pleasure, confidence and safety.
A woman who owns her body and sexuality is unshakeable.
Consent and boundaries are topics I really enjoy sharing with women because they move you into ownership. Your safety with your sexual partner/s will secure your pleasure.
1.1 coaching packages for women are available now :: see my sessions page.