Hold on. What was the title of this blog again?
Did a sexologist just say that I have permission to not orgasm?
Erm, yup. I did!
Welcome to the third instalment of the Permission blog series!
With the release of my first book Permission on September 24, I’ve made the month of September all about PERMISSION and what giving that to yourself means for your sexual and intimate life.
Now, you might have guessed already that I’m not your conventional sex therapist and what that means is that you are not going to receive conventional (read out-dated) sex advice that tells you to lie back and think of England…or Australia…or wherever you are currently located.
These last few weeks (and beyond), I’m putting a spin on what you think you should do in sex and instead ask that you OWN how you are and make some gentle tweaks instead. Usually, this comes in the form of a mindset adjustment, a different relationship with time, space and energy and above all…learning how to drop into presence so that you are actually there when something sexual is happening. But let’s take it a bit further, we don’t just want you there in the moment…what we are really moving towards you enjoying what is happening!
That takes us right back to the topic of orgasm.
Even if you have come to read this because you want to orgasm, I’m going to give you some counter-intuitive advice.
‘Cos it’s time for a public service announcement that takes the pressure off of women to orgasm.
Women sit before me in sessions saying: I am OK with not orgasming. I don’t have to do it. But my partner really wants me to – they want to see me come.
The problem starts because she is feeling the pressure. And when she is feeling the pressure, she isn’t feeling the presence.
Wait, that sounds like a motto or something to live by.
Feeling the pressure means not feeling the presence.
Let’s flip it round.
Feeling the presence means not feeling the pressure.
There it is!!
Maybe we have all gotten to this point of being orgasm-centric because sex is about the climax, the ultimate, the going over the edge and it being transcendental.
Mmmm but there is a but.
You may have noticed that I don’t talk about orgasm all that much in my blogs and social media and there’s a good reason for that.
It’s not that I don’t think orgasm isn’t awesome (‘cos it is), only that, I don’t think it IS the ultimate. I don’t see it as an end goal and I think we miss out on a lot of good stuff when we put all of our focus and energy on it happening.
When sex becomes focused on orgasm, we start moving towards a goal and a goal creates an expectation and rather than being present with all the little things that are coaxing our arousal or just feeling plain good, we are checked-out on our mission.
Can you tell this fires me up a little?
What I also don’t love about orgasm-centric sex advice is that it will inevitably alienate people who probably already feel ‘less than’ for not being in on the orgasm party.
If this sex advice encourages you to try different things, great.
If it is sending you down a spiral of you thinking that you aren’t enough, run away!
I never want what I say to play a part in someone moving into shutdown further (I can’t control everything that happens but I like to think that my work is gently encouraging).
Another thing you may have noticed is that I don’t talk about porn all that much. There are a couple of reasons why.
For starters, I think there are a lot of porn naysayers out there and I tend to agree with them for the most part. It is a broken industry that thrives off of disempowerment, degradation, coercion and abuses those that are already vulnerable in so many ways. It’s not that I’m anti-porn – just that I am more pro ethical erotica (which does exist!). I see this kind of erotica as giving us the power as consumers to be selective and to support what it is we want to see (that works for the people in the film industry as well). And yup, it means paying for it directly, not getting it for free through advertising – I’ll add links at the end of this blog.
I bring up porn because it is notoriously orgasm-centric and focused. And it’s weird. It can make it look like the woman/women in the film are being given attention and being acknowledged through the focus on her orgasm but it really isn’t about her pleasure.
What it really is about is HIM getting off because he got her off. It is about his ego being stroked that he has the power to make her “come” – not so much that her pleasure is bringing him pleasure.
Now, I’m wary of absolutes so what I just said is about the majority (not every man out there). It’s a fine line. Her getting off to stroke his ego vs. her getting off because her pleasure gives him pleasure.
The only way to know is to ask our partners what their intentions are with our orgasm – how it makes them feel and what it does to them. Your gut instinct will feel the difference and will know whether your orgasm really is a treasure for you or whether it is a power tool for them.
It happens in bedrooms across the world every day.
And if you are in a safe, consensual relationship, that means that you are in a position to express your own orgasmic energy as you wish.
I did a YouTube video a few years ago that said: men, she doesn’t orgasm for you. She orgasms for her.
Yup. I still stand by that one.
You orgasm for you.
Not for someone else – not for their gratification and not to satisfy their ego.
In fact, the more my clients have tried to satiate their partners needs for witnessing her orgasm, the more she has become disconnected to her pleasure and the more she has started to fake orgasm.
The pressure to orgasm creates a gap to your authenticity…to what is real.
And the craziest thing is…
If the pressure is taken off of us to orgasm then…hey! We might just want to be sexual and orgasm MORE often.
The paradox. We get turned off when we feel pressured to turn on.
I truly believe that when we turn up to sex as we are and follow the little nudges that we all have inside, that sex can be so wonderful. You may orgasm, you may not.
Does it matter?
I don’t reckon it does.
It’s more a question of…
+did it feel good?
+were you present?
+did you two connect?
+did you affirm your relationship as a sexually intimate one?
+did it keep the feel-good feelings and harmony flowing through the day?
All of THAT is what really matters at the end of the day. A good sex life can't be pinned down to how many orgasms each of you have and there are no awards or trophies awaiting us for this type of MORE. Nope, I checked. No. Trophies.
You have permission to not orgasm.
P.S. Like this and want more? Go straight to my Permission page on my site to read ALL about how Permission can help you, how you can buy her and how to easily get a free 30 page sample! It’s all HERE.
P.P.S. If this blog has stirred up a call to action for you to get clear on what you need and how to communicate that then I think we will work well together. Head straight to my sessions page to book your introductory session to gently step out of pressure and expectations and into the liberating space of being your own permission granter.
Ethical erotic sites: