BODY: Why your partner hasn’t seen you orgasm (and what you can do)

The female orgasm is a universe of its own. It doesn't have clear lines. It doesn't necessarily originate in the same part of our body every time we experience it. It can come, it can go. It can be strong, weak, long, short. Pulsing through us or missing completely.

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I want to say from the outset that orgasm isn't necessary for enjoyable sex but it's something that we humans are intrinsically driven to grasp for. Whilst there are a good proportion of women out there that don't experience orgasm at all in any situation, my work with women has shown me that there are plenty of women that are able to orgasm on their own but are unable to do so with their partner. More than I ever realised.

I wanted to take the time today to explore what is going on for her internally and to propose what she can do to experience this act of elation, this act of opening, this act of vulnerability with the person that she loves most. The focus here is on having her orgasm witnessed or seen by her partner – not what he can do to make her come (not my niche).

I have found that this issue really isn’t about the skills in sex - this isn't about him not having the ability to facilitate her arousal and help her move towards orgasm. The block is more with her holding her own orgasm back.

Sex skills are easy to acquire.

Changing your feelings about letting go being seen and seen in pleasure is a much more challenging endeavour.

What is holding you back:

+Sometimes you don't allow yourself to get close enough to arousal in sex because you speed it up to get it over and done with. This may be happening because you have given up on the possibility of there being more in it for you (i.e. incentive) and you've become has a passive member of your own sex life. 

+If you have pretended to (faked) orgasm for a long time and your partner doesn’t know that you have never authentically orgasmed in his/her presence, you can feel like you can’t fess up now and say it’s never happened. There is no easy answer to this one but it’s easy to see how it’s hard to practice your real orgasm with your partner when the expectation has been established that it always happens.

+Self-pleasure is easy and frustration free. Partnered sex is more ambiguous. Women who self-pleasure become very familiar with their pathways to heightened arousal and orgasm. They know what to do and how and if they feel like their partner is fumbling about or not very confident pleasing her then she starts to see this as the status quo and accepts this. Often, there is a block with communication and/or her fear of vulnerability around asking for what you want or informing your partner what works.

+Fear of being seen. Women who are able to orgasm on their own but not with or in front of their partner feel unsafe being seen. The twist is that women so desperately want to be seen and adored but this orgasm can exist in a category of it’s own. When this is what is holding her back it means that she doesn't want to be witnessed in the ultimate act of letting go and surrender. To do so means that she can't take it back. Her fear moves in a similar way to: what has been seen cannot be unseen.

+You don’t want to lose control in that way. Your orgasm may be a piece of your personal puzzle where you feel that if you let go then your sense of control within your life is threatened. If you have revealed all of yourself to your loving partner then your orgasm may be the one piece you can keep for herself.

What you can do:

+See yourself in orgasm. The next time you are self-pleasuring, if you haven't already, use a mirror to witness yourself in orgasm. I have found that a lot of the fear around being seen in orgasm stems from an assumption of what you actually look like. Seeing yourself in orgasm is a way of quelling any preconceived ideas of what you actually look like. You soon realise you don't look weird - you just look like you experiencing pleasure. When you can own your orgasm and how it presents itself, you're in a much better place to allow someone else to see it too. Having your partner witness (not watch, stare or ogle) you as you self-pleasure can be a real icebreaker. It works because there is no pressure for them to coax your orgasm out. The focus is on you getting comfortable being seen in orgasm.

+Take your time. If you have been hurrying through sex with your partner, you need to start giving yourself permission to take your time with your arousal and orgasm in sex. If you're in the habit of making sex fast and getting it over and done with then there's probably not enough time and space for you to get close to your orgasm. If you really want this to happen and you see it as creating another deeper bond with your partner then give yourself the space and patience that you need to help you orgasm reveal itself. Bring in everything that you've learnt from self-pleasure and replicate it in the bedroom with your partner.

+Mindset work. Your best allies will be phrases and mantras such as:

It is safe for me to be seen.

It is safe for me to let go.

My orgasm is natural, real and a display of my power.

I am worthy of feeling this level of pleasure with my partner.

What you say to yourself about your orgasm will influence how you feel your orgasm. Hopefully, you end up following your orgasm so naturally that your brain is switched off and you don’t need these in the midst of pleasure but feel free to use them as your arousal is building.

Being seen in orgasm is a fabulous way for couples to deepen their bond. When you get that rush of oxytocin (the bonding neuropeptide) and look into your partners’ eyes, it cements your connection. Orgasm in sex doesn’t have to be simultaneous or only via penetration. It just has to be real, warm and above all, followed in the name of pleasure.

Lauren xo

P.S. Libido need a little help coming out of hiding? Introducing Conversations : a LIVE webinar series on the 13th February that gives you the time and space to learn, ask and share wisdom around hot topics in female sexuality. Think everything you have ever wanted to know about your body, sexual skills, communication, touch and getting out of your head and into your arousal. In the first session for 2018, we will talk love, libido and life and the ways that these can flow more readily and abundantly into your intimate life. 

Give your libido a little Valentine's-Galentine's Day love this year (not that we fall for it all) and come along. Head straight to the Conversations page to join.


If you feel blocked about being seen in this way (but you love your partner and know you are in it for the long haul), it might be time to talk it out. Book an introductory session with me today to get started on opening up and deepening your sexual experience with your partner.