The old me (that’s me before studying sex) used to be verrrry comfortable having sex with one big condition.
The lights had to be off.
I needed to be covered.
I couldn’t stand the idea of being vulnerable in that way.
It was a habit that I was dependent on to get through sex (how unsexy is that?)
Lights off once in a while in sex isn’t a problem.
Lights off every time sex happens is a problem.
Read (or watch) the rest here:
If you are having sex every time with the lights off then it means that anxiety is running the show for your sex life. It means that you are missing out on valuable connection with your partner that rarely happens outside of those precious moments where you are pleasing each other, bonding and connecting.
Sex with the lights off comes back to a fear of being seen.
The twist is that women want to be seen – so much. We crave this form of acknowledgment but we are equally scared of it when we feel it looming.
Going through your life covered up robs you of the chance to be in one of women’s most desired feeling states: open. It is also one of those counter-intuitive acts of confidence – that you need to do something where you don’t feel confident in order to feel confident.
So let’s get you opening up with these 3 simple strategies. I’ve put them in the order I recommend you do them in.
Firstly: Instead of all the lights off, bring one or two tea-light candles into the room. We even have lamps with really low wattage so they are really soft. Low lighting and no lighting are two different things. Low is calming and warm – it allows you to use your visual senses for a change. Light them before sex gets started because of things start happening and you haven’t done this yet then there is a chance you will default into sex with the lights off…again.
Secondly: As you get adjusted to low lighting, remember to call upon both your eyes open and your eyes closed. Use this ability wisely.
Open your eyes when you have gone too far into your head and need to come back into the moment of where you actually are. I recommend taking this a step further by using your eyes to follow where your touch is going on yours or your partners body. It’s a way of limiting distractions and increasing presence.
Sometimes, closing your eyes is just as important as opening them. Close your eyes when you need to go inward to source and follow arousal and to focus on your breath.
Thirdly: Use the low lighting to look at your partner and to have them look at you. Yup, you are going to feel vulnerable and exposed but even if you can muster this eye contact for a second, you are actively undoing everything that anxiety doesn’t want you to do.
Your partner wants to see you and adore you. It’s really great stimuli for facilitating your bond as a couple. Having sex in the dark means that they could be having sex with anyone (and whilst this might be great fodder for a fantasy, the reality is, they want to have sex with you).
If you feel overwhelmed or anxious, say to yourself:
It is important I am seen
I value being open
Lastly, give yourself permission to lapse back into lights off – just make sure you come back to sex with some light. It’s very possible that (just like me) when you lapse back into having sex with the lights off that you will associate it with feeling closed and inhibited.
P.S. Need more personalised care and wisdom? I get it. Women value being seen and heard. 1.1 sessions with me are the most potent way to access this innate desire and to see outcomes swiftly. Learn more about how you can move from feeling closed and anxious to open and liberated by booking in your introductory session via the sessions page.