Today, I’m wanting to answer a big question that I get around female libido, desire, arousal and interest when it comes to sex and that’s the question – when it comes to my libido, is there a pill I can take? Or maybe more accurately I should say: please tell me that there's a pill I can take for this! Please tell me!! Because women are exasperated and they are tired and they are over it. They say: I just don't want this whole sex thing to be a problem anymore - I just want it fixed and I get it! I wanted that version too many moons ago but female sexual desire and arousal just doesn't work that way.
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So there's an amazing woman and sex educator called Sheri Winston and she has two amazing books - the most powerful one (in my opinion) is Women's Anatomy of Arousal and one of the ways that she put it is that women's genitalia and anatomy is an orchestra not just one instrument. We have a whole orchestra inside of us and all of those instruments need to be synchronised in order for us to feel desire, interest and sexual arousal itself so this is the reason why pills don’t work is because we aren’t just one simplistic organ or instrument. We are beautifully complicated and intricate and we are a web. So the short answer to the question: is there a pill I can take? is no and to be honest I wouldn't take it even if there was one and I'll tell you why…
Shortcuts in sex don't work because we bypass a lot of skills really vital skills that we need to learn to actually take us to the depths or take us to the place where we really want to be or where we actually want to go. So you know a shortcut that people use sometimes to get into sex is alcohol. Again, I used to do that many moons ago but I don't do this anymore because it feels fake and it feels authentic to me now and I’ve come to a place where I've learnt enough organically and I've learnt how my body works and I've learnt how my arousal works and my capacity to orgasm there Whenever I've had a side step and used alcohol it actually doesn't feel very good (it makes my orgasm shallow) and I have mentioned that publicly before. So even if there was a pill I wouldn’t take it because I believe and trust that there are four tools that you can use instead. I actually utilise these tools and my clients utilise these tools as well and they are breath, movement, touch and sound.
Breath, movement, touch and sound.
When you use these four elements together and in unison, over time, you actually drop into a state of presence and arousal because it’s really hard to be in your head when you are doing breath, movement, touch and sound.
A pill can't take you to the places that a deep breath can or an up-regulating breath can.
A pill can't make you move your body - you can do that on your own, you don't need something to give you permission to do that. You don’t need a pill to facilitate your movements – it’s all there, all that primal stuff is inside of you.
You don't need a pill to want to touch someone. You don't need a pill to give you the confidence to touch someone because your fingertips already know how to touch and your body already knows how it wants to be touched.
And they're definitely isn't a pill that will help you to make sound. Sound is the most effective way to clear the crap from your body and to get you into a state of deep pleasure and arousal and presence with what's ‘down there’. there's no pill that can give you permission to do that or can make you do that.
I have found those for four elements to be so much more effective than something inauthentic that I'm going to put in my body and I'm kind of glad that the results of a study were that a placebo was no better than the drug because female sexual desire, interest and arousal is very, very sensitive to the environment that it's in and to the context that it’s in. Whether there's alignment with where you are and who you're with and all those factors are so much more important because they tap into our need for safety and comfort and acknowledgement.
We need those elements and a pill can't give us that at all - it could never help make the most unsafe or unsavoury kind of environment or situation or context into something where you feel arousal and desire for it and you kind of wouldn’t want that (well, I like tho think you wouldn't want that and I know I wouldn’t want that and that's OK - we have other old, ancient, primal ways of coming into our bodies…of exploring what it is we want to feel and expressing what it is we want to express and that is breath, movement, touch and sound. Try to bring those elements in whenever you get lost in sex, whenever you drop out of presence, whenever you feel anxious, in your head… whenever you feel like your arousal is kind of shallow and you wanted to deepen it.
Say to yourself – breath, movement, touch and sound. Play, experiment, explore and get curious about what your body is capable of without ingesting something. (AKA #empowerment)
I hope this helps! Let me know in the comments if you've got any questions about breath, movement, touch and sound and would you take a pill even if you could? Would you take that shortcut? Let me know below!
P.S. Reading this could bring a sense of disappointment if you were wishing there was a pill. But you know what, I wouldn’t take back all my hours of learning even if a pill could do that because I have gained so much more through learning about sex than I ever thought possible. Want to know more? My introductory session is the perfect way of releasing the hurt, frustration and disappointment that can come with modern day sex lives…only that, you won’t need to do all the hours of hard yakka I did – me sessions are the shortcut! (or, feel free to go Google to get the answers. I’ll wait…*yawns…looks at invisible watch…waits…is “shocked” when Google doesn’t answer questions about your personal sexual concerns with heart and wisdom*) But seriously, we women need to be heard and I would love to listen and share with you. Read more at the sessions page.