So, how are you?
Busy, you reply.
Yup. So busy.
Flustered, stretched, overwhelmed doing all the things.
Nurturer, employee, household maintenance, juggler, nit extractor and multi-tasking extraordinaire are just some of our hats as modern-day women (oh wait, I just described me).
And all of that means that your sex life is at the bottom of the list of the things.
What if I threw a curveball and said…you aren’t actually busy.
But that you are using busy as a cover-up for not feeling what you really feel?
And if you are busy, what if I said that you being busy is a choice?
Stay with me now…
That being frantic means that you can never really pause or stop because if you did, well, what would you do?
I know this state and I know it well. One of my old silent mantras was ‘why go slow when you can go fast’? Scary, right? My brother in law’s life motto is ‘get busy living’.
Busy - it's always there.
And when my clients walk into the first session, it is as if I can see the tyre marks just behind them. This is the first time they have stopped in a while. Maybe in forever.
We have to talk busy in sessions because the veil is usually drawn up and women reveal how much safer it is to immerse themselves in work, church commitments, work, tending to the needs of family members, study, exercise and work. All of her energy stores flow out of her and very little goes back in. The appeal of busy, work and energy output comes from the little acknowledged truth that if you have these valid cover stories, you can put off addressing the way that you really feel in and about your own life.
For some of you reading this, you will be in the full flow of life hustle but can I ask is it seriously in hustle mode every. Single. Day?
And is it really working to help you feel like the most whole possible version of yourself?
Because it took me to slam into a wall several times to get real about whether I was living a magnetic life or not. In my case, the elements were there but I wasn’t grasping them as I was too busy to notice.
So I made some choices – I looked at where I was choosing busy and piling on too much in order to avoid the feeling that was swimming below. This is hard to type…for me, there were two big feelings.
Beneath busy were:
+Worthlessness :: AKA I’m not enough and I don’t do enough – there is an invisible bar of worth that I will never reach) and
+Powerlessness :: everything feels out of my power so I am going to keep doing lots of things to feel IN my power and to feel powerful
In the last year, I have moved with these concepts a lot more and I am in a much better place with them. For me, I had to act worthy in order to feel worthy and I had to act powerful in order to feel powerful but this power was different from the old version of I gotta DO more. This was a quiet power that showed up in other ways (more on that in my second book).
It is so normal to use B U S Y as a way to numb your feelings.
To be truthful, like ovaries deep in truth…you have to get bored of the busy storyline in order to want to change it.
And as human nature goes, we often aren’t motivated to act on and shift busy until it creates serious problems and rifts. That’s why I wanted to talk about all of what is going on in your daily life first before we look at how busy-ness is affecting your intimate business.
I secretly love it when people say that one of their problems is that they are too busy for sex.
Hahahahahahahaha I laugh (on the inside).
Unless you are physically separated from each other or have 10 children then you aren’t too busy for sex. In fact, if you had 10 children (like one of my dear family members) then you do have time for sex because…you had 10 children.
I don’t want to minimise your lifestyle but I also don’t want you to keep telling yourself this story. It’s frankly…boring.
One of my girlfriends has a full life, so full (not busy). She and her partner are intimate every second night unless she is bleeding or if it is a flat-out no for her. Every second night. She has so many reasons and excuses to not have sexual intimacy that often but she steps forward regularly. I like listening to her because she makes it happen and makes it work. Sex for them is a thread that needs to be replenished.
I am a little different. Even though I love sex in all of its expressions, I am not up for sex every second night #confession
In order to have the energy for sex, you need to carve out the time.
Am I going to be more interested when I am asked at 8pm when there is space ahead or 10 minutes before we rush out the door?
(right answer – 8pm)
Creating space and time is really sexy. It is there for all of us to utilise wisely only some of us are up for the task (and if you are reading this, I know that you are one of those people).
If you are able to rattle off what TV series you have watched, you have time for sex.
If you are able to scroll and scroll and comment and like and scroll through social media to suddenly realise 40 minutes has gone and will never return, you have time for sex.
If you just have to do all these things for all these people that you aren’t really that close to or don’t really know that well anyway then you have time for sex.
If you are ironing…anything, you have time for sex (such a fruitless task)
Point is, we have not just pockets of time but stretches of time in all our lives.
What commitments you make and how full your family calendar is - is a choice.
If you live in the free(ish) world, you have choice.
And that can mean choosing less.
It can mean looking at the calendar and seeing space and not needing to fill it.
It can mean saying no to some quick cash that actually steals something from you (don’t get me wrong, I love the money but it comes at a cost sometimes).
The title of this blog is: how to prioritise your sex life when you are busy and the answer is:
You start to prioritise it…
You start to prioritise it because you value it more than Netflix, social media, de-cluttering your inbox and attending another body corp meeting that goes nowhere.
You start to prioritise it because you have time and you aren’t busy.
Your life is full for sure but there is always space for intimacy.
You are full, not busy.
I am full, not busy.
P.S. If you are suddenly realising that you aren't too busy or as busy as you thought, how would you feel about carving out some time for 1.1 sessions? In just 4.5 hours of session, you can feel so much better about your life, your intimate life and you'll be motivated to live a life that is turned on, not switched on! I'm here for you and yup, I've got time for you. Plenty of time. Because rushed and busy is so 2017 ;) Book your introductory session now on the sessions page and I will meet you soon. AND...
SPECIAL ANNOUNCEMENT :: FROM THE 19TH JUNE TO THE 8TH OF JULY, 10% OF ALL SESSION PAYMENTS RECEIVED (after fees + taxes) WILL BE DONATED TO THE AUSTRALASIAN BIRTH TRAUMA ASSOCIATION IN RECOGNITION OF BIRTH TRAUMA AWARENESS WEEK.
This is an organisation I love to support for everything they are doing to help mamas navigate their personal experiences in safety and with kindness. If you ever needed a little bit more of a nudge to step forward, know that you helping you is helping women help women. I love that!