How to get sex started when it’s been a long time

Even when you love your partner, it is frighteningly easy to have sex fall off the radar.

Even when you love your partner, it is exceptionally common that you don’t want to have sex for a long time.


Even when you love your partner, it is natural that you have come up with a number of ways of avoiding sex.


Whether just one of these statements or all three resonate with you, I want to assure you that you are you are all good. OK?


After listening to women confide their most personal stories in me for 6 years, I want you to know you are not alone.


We are all prone to get stuck in avoidant loops when it comes to sex + intimacy – us humans are creatures of habit. My best guess is if you are reading this then is because you are open to an icebreaker for your sex life.

Now, this icebreaker doesn’t have to be a grand gesture so don’t go booking a hotel room or weekend away (mmm that could be really triggering if you aren’t ready or informed).


You just need something, small even, to defrost a little and get comfortable with something sexual happening between the two of you.


Frosty. Cold. Frozen. It's no surprise that many of us sexperts use temperature as an analogy for sex. Arousal is blood flow – pure heat and gentle movement through our bodies. Sexual energy that gets stuck is frozen. Quite literally. Blood can't flow as well or at all in the absence of heat and warmth.

When you love your partner/s and your sexual mojo is stuck in the frosty realm, an icebreaker is the perfect antidote.


How can I break the ice, Lauren? (I hear you ask). Great question dear reader. Here are my top ideas...

#1 - Tell your partner why you are angry/frustrated at them.


What??? Women usually go into freeze mode when they are feeling bitter, angry, frustrated and resentful. Take the lid off all that. It's causing your libido to turn to ice. What I most commonly hear in private sessions is that the pressure to have sex is weighing down on them and causing them to not want to do it at all. Sex has become this pressure point and one thing us women don’t need any more of is pressure. Pressure is so bad for desire.


In lay-womans terms - we don’t want to f*ck someone that is pressuring us or acting grumpy about sex. I know you know this.


Gently inform your partner that you are doing your best to defrost, to learn why this is happening and what you can share with them that will help sex get started again.


Telling the truth also gets your throat warmed up. Sexual energy can’t move through us if we aren’t comfortable speaking up and making sound. Blocked in the throat means blocked down below!


#2 - Get physical with your partner.


Actually spend time together generating heat in your body walking, running, wrestling or play fighting or even getting close in the water. Especially in long term relationships, it’s too easy to get complacent and default to doing stuff that is…easy.


Increased activity is increased blood flow.


I’m saying this to myself as much as you! We have young kids and laziness can kick in pretty quick when it comes to intimacy. The best thing we did recently was go ziplining.


Yes it involved putting them in daycare an extra day.

Yes it involved booking it in and driving down the coast.


But you know what? The best by-line for a business I ever saw was:


Quality is remembered long after price is forgotten.


And the same applies to your relationship.


The investment and effort that day created a new memory we won’t forget. Was it good for intimacy? Yup!!

Lauren White Sexologist Brisbane.jpg

#3 - Do a bit of lounge room dancing.

Why? It gets you moving and in your body and the blood can't do anything but flow. Every once in a while, I do a lounge room dance for Ed. Much more often, I’m doing this for myself. I dance because it helps me to remember that I have a libido (oh and newsflash – you do too!)


There is no greater mirror for sex than dance in my opinion. It’s safe and private and our hips and pelvis love it.


A little secret about women - we want to be seen by others, even when we say we don’t. When my clients pause and realise that they felt more sexual in their younger years, it gives them a bit of insight into what they might not feel they are receiving anymore.


Usually, they don’t feel validated – they used to get a lot more attention, perhaps from an old flame or their friendship circle. I bring this need into the now by saying – we can’t control how other people receive us or validate us but we can always give this to ourselves. Often, that is the missing piece. Wanting to be seen and acknowledged from outside of ourselves and not giving this quality to ourselves.


You can meet this need by dancing in front of a mirror and seeing yourself. Break the ice, open your hips and tell yourself you’ve got it allll going on. Because you do!

#4 - Start sex from a place of you receiving, not giving.


When receiving is uncomfortable, it is easy to give. Then someone wants to give to us and it is still uncomfortable so we offer to give and avoid the whole receiving thing!


Let’s go back to the temperature analogy ::

Women go cold in depletion mode when we have burnt out from giving.


As uncomfortable as it may be, you just need to be touched first without the pressure of pleasing someone else. 


Could you get things started by lying on the bed with some clothes on so you feel less exposed? Could this touch start as really non-sexual and then build up to being more sexual in nature and over your erogenous zones?


I say this because one thing I am certain of when it comes to women being cold or frozen with sex is that when we feel like we have to go from frozen to boiling hot (i.e. really into it and turned on and throwing our heads back and all that) – it is too hard and scary and too big of a leap from where we are at.


Wading into the waters, taking your time and getting warm sustainably are much more human approaches to a tender female libido.


It’s safe for you to receive.


#5 - Lastly, your first attempt at “sex” after a long absence shouldn't be intercourse or penetration in any of its forms.

I believe it should be simply external touch with no pressure of orgasm. Remember, pressure is the last thing we need and it is really unsexy.


You’ve got to want to do it for you because there is something in it for you. I always celebrate the something that happens between a couple over the nothing at all so believe me when I say that sex doesn’t have to be intercourse or nothing. 


On a physical note, our orifices – mouth, vagina and anus need to choose what enters them and they all need to be in a state of trust and openness when this happens. The more we make our bodies do something that they aren’t open to, the harder it becomes over time for them to open up. If you’re in shutdown, we don’t want to force your body into doing something sexual. It’s only going to create more shutdown.




It’s worthy of repeating – if you are in sexual shutdown, you aren’t alone. There are so many reasons why it’s gotten to this point – it’s rarely one thing that has gotten you to this point so be kind and compassionate towards yourself. There’s an opening there for you…


Lauren xo


P.S. The vast majority of my clients are in sexual shutdown and that’s why they have come forward for help. We talk and work together to develop a personalised approach to breaking the ice and defrosting. It’s really so special and effective because I’m able to help you in your individuality. No one size fits all here! Curious? Interested? Almost there? Book your free private discussion on my sessions page.