It’s only taken me 6 years.
Six whole years to own that sexual frequency does not reflect or suggest a good sex life.
This one has been a tough one for me to navigate internally. Why?
Well, I’m a sex expert (sexpert) and you’d think that someone who lives and breathes human sexuality would do the thing that they talk about a whole lot more than they actually do.
And that would be a fair assumption. Only…in this case it’s inaccurate.
I’m a sexologist and I have sex less than you might think
You see, I’ve come to learn that my rich internal sexual life is not reflected by the outward act of sex. And when I say that, I’m referring to all types of sexual and erotic touch that I partake in on my own or with others.
When I look at my life, this makes sense.
Listening to women’s sexual stories and feelings about their erotic experiences fills up a large quota in terms of my satisfaction. I can’t deny that I’m endlessly fascinated by our ordinary sex lives and how across the board, they are so eerily similar. Serving fills my sexual cup in such a humbling way.
Writing about sex in blogs, articles and now a book has and is a wonderful way of helping me to feel that I am expressing myself sexually. Writing about the erotic channels all those taboo feelings safely and confidentially and brings a different kind of clarity that can be challenging to put spoken words to. Nothing beats a bit of dear diary or amateur poetry to get the blood flowing.
Watching modern television, absorbing art and reading books is also another way that I feel that my fantasy world can be safely entertained and enlightened. I get so many ideas and new perspectives on sex through what I watch. When sex is portrayed in a human way, it is the ultimate permission granter.
Asking my clients about what they watch and how they respond to sex scenes is also a wonderful litmus test of where their libido stands.
Do they wish they could be one of the characters?
Do they wish for aspects of that sex scene to be a part of their own life, like romance and seduction?
Watching is also a litmus test for my long-term relationship and allows me to ask: are there aspects of sex and desire that I have let fall away?
Then there is the act itself. And when I step into it with presence and joy then yeah, it’s good. Better than good.
Sex and self-pleasure is one thread of a web that makes up my libido and I’m proud to declare this. It’s unrealistic to expect that all of our sexual energy – mental, emotional and physical is used and explored through one means.
Seeing your sex life as a bigger picture is liberating and takes the pressure off sex to be the be all and end all of what is an integral, personal human experience.
Taking note of and acknowledging all the other forms is one of my big tips for keeping the focus on quality over quantity.
Personally, I’d rather have higher quality sex less often than increased frequency that is of lower quality and engagement.
I aim for this because I know deep down that my connection with sex will stay strong if it’s enjoyable and ends on a satisfying note.
Frequent, let’s-just-do-it-because-it’s-been-a-week sex isn’t necessarily making women psyched for sex to happen. In fact, from what I hear in private sessions, it’s doing the opposite and has us metaphorically and literally turning our backs. It’s not working in our motivational reward centres in our brain so we just…roll over.
Now that we have that out of the way, maybe you are itching to know about my frequency – what the numbers actually are or more tactfully:
How often does this sexologist have sex?
Once a week.
And that isn’t always intercourse either.
I will engage in what I consider to be erotic and sexual touch usually about once a week.
There you have it.
Just because I love to study human sexuality, doesn’t mean I have to take daily, physical action to prove that.
Maybe some sexperts do and you know what?
They are as sexual as me. I am as sexual as them.
There’s no yardstick for who’s more or less sexual. If you consider yourself to be sexual then you are. Full stop.
Whether you engage in sex once a day or once a year, if it works, it’s all good.
You are sexual.
P.S. If you need PERMISSION to be sexual as you are without the pressure and expectations then you need my book Permission: Personal liberation for switched on women. It’s all about us owning our sexuality as it is rather than trying to fit an unhelpful mould that doesn’t actually exist.
Get it NOW from your favourite book merchant as an e-book or lush hardcopy. It’ll be your nightstands BFF for years to come.