It’s a question I get in emails every now and again: How to make sex exciting thrilling and fun in a long-term relationship when it feels...boring.
Read (or watch) the rest here:
Being in a long-term relationship doesn't have to spell sexual boredom in fact being with someone long term often presented with more changes than we ever expected and our sex life isn't protected from these changes. In fact, we need to embrace them. Just as you evolve within your identity on a personal level, so too will your libido.
Here's my best sex advice for couples wanting to shake things up when sexual boredom has taken hold. (Hint: it’s more about mindset than what you actually DO).
#1: Get really clear on what qualities you want to bring into your sex life from the outset.
Stop focusing on what isn't happening in your sex life unless there's a major problem there a major block, disgust, serious anger or conflict. If what’s bothering you is just of the plain boredom variety, stop giving it all the focus and attention. The more we keep saying to ourselves: my sex life is boring, my sex life is stale, there is nothing going on, the more our feelings are going to respond to those thoughts. In short, they won’t get the blood flowing in the right direction.
What is it that you want to bring in? Is it excitement? Is it a sense of thrill? Is it fun? Is it variety? Get really clear on what will shake your sex life up and get you closer to what you want it to be. When you have sourced the quality or the characteristic you're looking for, you can start to envisage (for example) fun happening. This is important because my version of fun and your version of fun might be different.
Fun in sex for me means that we have a laugh, we get really cheeky, we connect with eye contact as we smile, there is a sense of spontaneity and that we embrace all sorts of movement that embodies sex that isn't perfectly curated. Fun sex for you might involve roles or toys or a new location or having a sense of thrill before you have sex so - doing something really exciting that brings your heart rate up. Know what that quality is first and then get clear on what it actually means to you. It is only then that you can bring it into your sex life.
#2: Speak to the quality you called in when it happens
When the quality (say fun) that you wanted to bring in actually happens in your sex life, make sure you speak to it. At the end of sex, if you had sex that was really fun, make eye contact with your partner and say ‘that was fun!’. What that does is it creates an anchor for that experience. It solidifies and cements fun happening in your sex life and lets you know that you can create new fun memories together.
I know when my husband makes eye contact with me and says that was fun! even if I suspect he had more fun than I did, just him saying it alone allows me to look back and see it in that positive light from his perspective. Positivity is infectious. It's encouraging and it brings more love into my memories of the intimacy we just shared.
People don't pay enough attention to what happens after sex and this is your time to say to each other what was good if there wasn't a lot of sound, acknowledgement or words shared in sex itself. After sex or after play as I call it is your chance to communicate the positives and to end on a really positive note. Think of it as the taste that's going to be left in your mouth. When something tastes good, you are going to want to come back to it.
#3: Don’t become attached to the quality that you want in sex
I recognise that this what we're already talking about. Yes you want to call a quality in but try not to set it as a goal or as an expectation for sex. Sometimes this sets us up to fail and when what we want doesn't materialise, we can be left with more frustration and less motivation.
Really try to go into sex with a very open intention of I'd like to bring fun into sex. Saying it in this way is a form of ownership and means that you're not putting pressure on your partner to create the fun in sex. This intention is also not saying that fun will happen, it's something that you'd like to happen but it's not an absolute requirement. Not being attached to it will also mean that when it doesn't happen, the pendulum in your mind doesn't swing to the limitation of sex is really boring or sex is always boring. It keeps you in a more sensitive mindset that is comfortable with things not always going a certain way. It's easy to become black and white and to see things as polar opposites when we feel frustrated about sex so try to be ok with sex just having a sprinkle of fun and not necessarily being full-ball fun from start to finish. It sets the bar pretty high for us and we need room to move and make mistakes.
Sometimes the twist is that the mistakes, awkwardness and squishy sounds make us laugh and what-do-you-know, you are suddenly having fun!
P.S. Need more? Here's what I have:
Libido need a little boost out of boredom-town? Introducing Conversations : a LIVE webinar series on the 13th February that gives you the time and space to learn, ask and share wisdom around hot topics in female sexuality. Think everything you have ever wanted to know about your body, sexual skills, communication, touch and getting out of your head and into your arousal. In the first session for 2018, we will talk love, libido and life and the ways that these can flow more readily and abundantly into your intimate life.
Give your libido a little Valentine's-Galentine's Day love this year (not that we fall for it all) and come along. Head straight to the Conversations page to join.
The Pleasure Map (free download) - You can't have a desert in your relationship and expect the bedroom to be in full bloom (well, unless the whole desert thing turns you on.) If familiarity and boredom are the status quo in your relationship then it's time for a shake up. So here it is: a pleasure map to source or re-source the treasure in your relationship.
1.1 Sessions - Moving into fun and excitement is really about moving on from frustration and a feeling of being stuck. Sometimes, what you really need is a woman's understanding (yup - I'm that woman!). Stepping into an introductory session doesn't have to be scary - it's really a conversation about where you have been and where you want to go. Read more here so that you can learn how your sex life gets a little shake up through the potent processes I offer.