Booze and sex. This is pretty close to my heart personally and professionally because it’s super easy to rely on alcohol (especially for women) to get in the mood for sex. So let’s go back to basics. Why do we like booze so much?
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Booze is a depressant and what that means is not that you necessarily feel depressed when you have it but that it depresses your central nervous system. It slows everything down and that slowing of everything down also reduces your capacity to feel anxious and apprehensive. So you feel a little bit calmer, a little bit more open, a little bit chattier and that’s what that means by depressant.
That dis-inhibition makes it really tempting to rely upon for women and people that feel a little bit apprehensive about sex. They feel like they can’t let go. Letting go might mean being open in their bodies, it might be exploring new things, it might be allowing someone to give them oral sex, and it could be letting go so that they can reach a state of orgasm or a space where they feel orgasmic. So, it’s pretty easy to fall into that trap of pairing alcohol with sex. In fact it’s super easy, especially if you don’t feel very confident at all and alcohol gives you a bit of armour and you can ask for something that you normally wouldn’t feel comfortable or confident asking for.
I did a post on Instagram around Christmas time and I was reflecting upon the role that champagne used to have in my sex life sometimes – it used to make me feel like it would equip me or armour me to go into places and try things in sex that I otherwise wouldn’t feel confident enough to do. This was taking place before I studied sexology and even during studying sexology because that good girl persona needed something to release and let go of and to drop some of the anxiety and move into a different identity. It’s not something I am particularly proud of but I am happy to be honest about because when we don’t know a lot of sex or what we’re capable of or if it’s really scary being sexual or we don’t feel safe being sexual it’s a very understandable and human thing to do. Very human.
So should you drink to get into sex?
Here is what I would say to my clients…
First I would want to explore what your relationship is to alcohol in and out of sex. If you are dependent or reliant on it to get into sex then I would say that there is a problem there. There’s a problem there because you are going to be inauthentic, you are going to be boozy and you might even sabotage some of your pleasure. One of the dark sides of alcohol is that that depressant can make you so depressed in terms of your consciousness in that you want to go to sleep or you pass out or you blackout so that you don’t actually remember what has happened. The other thing is that alcohol can suppress your capacity to orgasm. Our orgasms just don’t feel quite as deep under the influence of alcohol, which is a shame because you are missing out there on feeling something and really enjoying it.
If you are using alcohol again and again and again; if it’s your partner in crime to get into sex I’d say that there is something there that needs to be addressed and it is completely possible to feel more confident and more sure of your sexual skills when you learn about them and explore them and when you learn about them for yourself. Especially when you learn more about touch and communication skills. It’s definitely possible.
I can tell you right now that myself and my clients have moved into a space of being completely at peace with our sexuality and owning being a sexual woman without alcohol. And that is exciting. It excites me! It’s really rare that I use alcohol with sex and if I do it is a conscious choice and it is a small amount. Rather, what I do if I know that it is going to be a big night and I want to have that sense of intimacy with my husband then we drink after we have sex. So sex first, drink later on. That has been amiss the last year with pregnancy and breastfeeding but it’s a conscious choice is what I am saying. I don’t hand my power over to alcohol anymore, which is really exciting and I am absolutely present now for sex because there is no alcohol involved.
So should you drink? It’s OK to choose to have a drink or two before sex with your partner. Sometimes I see it as a bit of an icebreaker if you are really disconnected and it’s been a while and there is a lot of tension and apprehension around having sex again then having one or two standard drinks (10g of alcohol) is OK – that’s alright if you find that you get into a pattern or a habit of needing alcohol to get into sex then there are some other issues there to be looked into more deeply. A lot of leaving alcohol behind is about sourcing a sense of confidence in yourself and bringing some variety into sex and being more familiar with your own body and looking at your own body because if you’re feeling anxious about sex then I’d say you definitely have the capacity to new learn skills to feel more open in sex, which is what I am really passionate about and it’s what I share with women every session.
So yes. Alcohol is OK as a one-off every now and again. But if you are going back to it again and again, it could get in the way of your satisfaction and cause more conflict. People might get a bit more lovey at first when they drink and connect with their partners but later on down the line after a few more drinks, they are probably more likely to get into a fight because of red herrings (old, old shit comes up and cause more destruction than connection).
Alcohol and sex. Should you do it? It depends. Depends on how you want to feel, how authentic you want be in your sex life. Depends on how ready you are to learn something new about yourself and if you are prepared to meet the sexual woman that you are. Are you prepared to meet the sexual woman that you are?
My mantra to move through pairing alcohol with sex is my safety secures my pleasure (see the Sexy Mantra Card Set). Women drink alcohol with sex because they don’t feel safe to express themselves. I am now at a point where I feel safe within myself because I trust myself and my safety secures my pleasure. If you are drinking with sex, you might not feel safe to express that wild woman that lives inside of you and when she comes out she is really sexy. I promise.
Source your sexual power without booze by stepping forward into your own personalised process. It's all too easy to get stuck in your own head and loops and I know you want out! Read all about the potency of sessions and start to feel what is on the other side of your armour.
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