Before I went fully-fledged into my sex therapy practice, I was a shift worker. For years and years. What that means is that holiday breaks were often taken at times that weren’t the traditional Easter/Christmas time and I usually had to scrounge around for a few days here and there to spend it with the people that mattered. More often than not, I was locked in to work for those public holidays and I rarely had the quintessential Christmas break.
Nowadays, I am able to take that typical 2-3 week block off and I’ve noticed how carefully we need to craft this time to make it work for us in all regards. It’s just too easy to have 2 weeks of boozy, checked-out, social overload and to emerge the other side completely depleted.
In fact, this happened to me the last Christmas/New Year period and my nervous system begged me to hit the reset button. In classic high achiever mode…I overdid it. And I paid for it. I didn’t drink heaps but I drank daily, we did heaps of social stuff, did the BRIS-SYD and SYD-BRIS drive in one hit both ways and it was just so tirrrring. When I got back to Brisbane, I crashed and toddled straight into the acupuncture clinic to clear out and calm down.
I don’t want to have to do that again.
I’m approaching this years festive season differently and I would love to share with you how you can have a more libidinous festive season. Just trust me when I say that being libidinous isn’t all about being sexual but prioritising your libido in life gives you a better chance of wanting to be sexual.
Hot Libido Tip #1
Watch your energy intake : No, this isn’t a ‘watch your weight spiel’ or a count calories diatribe. More a watch out for how certain food and drink makes you feeeeeel.
Christmas cake light you up and totally gets your pleasure receptors going? Dive in!
Glass of Champagne gives you the warm a fuzzies – have a glass or two.
But if you’re noticing that you are gouging out and trying to swallow a feeling down, take note of what it is. It’s too easy to go for more drinks or food when you feel frustrated with the conversation or the family antics. Don’t drink and eat your feelings down (check out the boundaries part for more).
And if there are trigger foods for you that cause you pain or discomfort – really ask if it is worth it at this time when (I’m assuming) you want to feel joyful, warm, expansive and magnetic. Sounds small but MSG (621) is one of those foods for me - all that excitable eating causes me to crash with a dehydrated headache pretty fast #notworthit
Hot libido tip #2
Set a sexy intention.
When you do have time to date or be with your partner or self-pleasure – check in with how you are feeling beforehand. Myself and my clients often find it hard to stick with the script of: ‘its this holiday or occasion or anniversary or celebration so we should have sex’. This kind of approach puts pressure on us and that pressure can create shutdown.
Rather than using an external date or occasion to determine when sex happens, instead set an intention – which is something that comes from inside of you.
It’s not a goal or an expectation – more like a gentle wish that keeps you anchored when you feel lost. And for all of those people pleasers out there – it’s gotta be about you! No ‘I intend to have sex for someone else’s pleasure’. Instead, try:
+I am moving towards sex because it celebrates our union
+Having sex is a way for us to remember that we have each other
+It’s important to generate pleasure for myself
+It’s important for me to receive in this time of giving
Hot libido tip #3
Check your definition of celebration: It doesn’t always have to be food and drink related. This one has taken me a long time to unravel. I used to hold all of my celebrations in for one big outpouring rather than acknowledged what I had done along the way as I went. That usually meant being in a celebration feast or famine mode. Saving all your wins up for the Christmas period can mean that you go way overboard with the indulgences, which can leave you feeling exhausted and not all that fun to be around.
Try celebrating what a big year you have had by dancing, being really present in conversation with people, going into nature and relaxing with the books or activities you have been saving up until you have the time.
Better yet, celebrate by asking for a gift that is an experience, not a thing or product!
Hot libido tip #4
Boundaries. You don’t have to say yes to everything that is happening this festive season. This may mean disappointing some people. I really believe it is far better to have a smaller group of family and friends that really know you (and you know them) than to try and spread yourself far and wide. It’s too much, it’s too hard and it’s too draining.
Who wants to have sex after days and days of being outward and social, even when you define yourself as an extrovert? Not that many women. We are often too damn tired and we just need quiet time and to be alone and to be hanging out with people that we feel completely at ease around.
Having good boundaries means less wearing of masks and more freedom to just be you. Liberating!!
Hot libido tip #5
When/if you do have sex this holiday season – here’s how you can keep it playful (without the toys and products and STUFF). Start it off by making each other laugh. Think about what works for them and for you to make you laugh. Funny faces, a secret joke only you two get, funny voices, do a daggy dance for each other, tickling, really unflattering ways of propositioning sex…whatever works! Laughter is a great mimic of orgasm and a wonderful way of clearing out some of the crap and seriousness that can have such a stronghold.
Now, being playful and including laughter in intimacy doesn’t mean you need to choose between having fun and being serious – I don’t think we need to choose (there’s a whole chapter on that in my book Permission!)
OK…are you feeling it?
Are you ready to have the most libidinous festive season ever?
YES (I hear you cry!)
Good, I am too.
Thanks for being here in my blog this year. I am going to take a break – maybe that could have been libido tip #6 – REST! And I’ll be back in here next year with some cracking free sex advice.
If you would like to dive in to something that will stay with you forever, I implore you to get my book Permission: Personal liberation for switched on women. It’s available now through all online book merchants as a paperback or as an e-book. Buy it here!
Lots of love,