9 ways that you can be sexual without intercourse

When I was an adolescent, there was so much emphasis put on intercourse. P in the V. Hitting the home run. Warm apple pie (Yes, American Pie came out at the time I had my first boyfriend).

 

It was such a big deal and it sort of sat ahead in my future demanding that I move towards it…and quickly. What happened when I got there was trying to feel validation and to use it as a way to whisper to my friends that I had done it. Thinking about it now, it seems strange that there is still so much pressure placed on intercourse when we are in long-term relationships.

Why does it act like a barometer of our sex lives when it doesn’t represent the whole picture?

So when adolescence has long passed and we’ve done the deed the first few times, why does intercourse still remain in sharp focus as the finale?

The be-all and end-all?

The culmination and PROOF that we have been sexual?

 

If your most recent memories of sex are simply a quick thrust and very little else, then this list has been made just for you.

 

I’m writing this because a client relayed a conversation to her partner one day and said: Lauren said that we would do other things first before jumping into intercourse.

And he replied: well, what other things are there?

She said: I don’t know…

 

If you feel stumped as to what else is possible in sex, especially when you know what works for you or your partner then I’m here to tell you that variety is possible.

And honestly, sometimes our bodies just don’t WANT intercourse. Our vagina specifically is saying to us: no go for whatever reason. Let’s try listening to that and doing other stuff instead of telling her to open when she isn’t on board with it.

 

Now, before you read on, be aware that being sexual isn’t just what you do with your genitals. It is so much more than that and in the name of variety, try to embrace all these other ways that your sexual self can emerge.

 

Dry humping

If adolescence taught me anything about sex, it was the power of pretending to have sex without actually committing to it. Humping is primal, it shows urgency and desire and I love it because it can be done to forge connection quickly with a bit of laughter on the side. Just, it can’t be done to you or your partner if the context or your surrounds feels completely incompatible. Timing is important for this one.

 

Sexy talk

Eeeek. I know this one can set of the anxiety alarm bells but I’m not talking about trying to replicate a paid hotline - that’s DIRTY talk (it’s not actually dirty but you get my gist). I reckon the sexiest talk is when you aren’t trying to be someone that you’re not. Try sexy talk that is actually you. If you are a scientist say, I would suggest bringing some sexy scientific talk in the form of double entendres. Tell your partner how saucy their protons are or something (biology wasn’t my best class in high school – obviously!) For example, my husband is a massive space geek so it’s fun to play around with all of that in a jovial way. Who doesn’t love a good rocket joke?

 

Erotic massage

Massage is a step people take in the early days of the relationship when they really want to show how much they are into their partner. Even though you want to get it on, you are willing to slow it down to give a bit more TLC and win some brownie points. But as we get used to – oh, we can just skip to P in the V, these attentive and important steps get missed.

 

Massage works because it helps move your nervous system from being on guard to being in a form of down-regulation where you are more open and receptive. You need this state to feel sexual. Grab the coconut oil and do a give and receive exchange with zero pressure for the massage to move into intercourse. Make sure both of your whole bodies are incorporated and you can even use your body to do the massage. Nothing beats a good bit of sliding on top of one another! Slick…

 

Watching or reading something erotic together

Tending to your libido means living more of a life where you access and expose yourself to more of what is erotic in life. When you keep sexuality in a box to only be opened in the space of sex, it becomes less comfortable because it’s unfamiliar. Films, artworks, plays, shows (The Empire Strips Back for example was FANTASTIC!) and books are fab because they are reminders that it is human to be sexual. Stories are great permission granters and the more realistic and relatable, the better. Porn can miss this.

 

Going to a workshop together

Feel like a shake up? Suspecting that your communication skills could use a tweak? Wanting something that is for the two of you? Lucky there is heaps available these days for couples to attend – from small scale stuff like 2 hour workshops to bigger offerings where you can stay overnight like Celebrating Sexuality or The Festival of Really Good Sex. And if you can’t go to something together then there are online courses galore if you feel shy or can’t physically attend a workshop. I love Ester Perel’s work and Beducated. There’s no one stop shop so look around and learn something together so some of the armour can drop and a breath of fresh air can come through.

 

Anal play

Now, now, don’t think I’m suggesting any sort of porn re-enactment here (not my style). But, anal play has had a bad wrap because the dialogue out there has been focused on anal sex/penetration. Just to be clear, anal play is something quite different all together. The focus is on pure touch rather than penetration and tends to the outside more than the inside.

You might not know this but different organs of the body are often categorised as being feminine or masculine in nature. Containing thousands of nerve endings, the anus is feminine (or yin) dominant in that the sphincters that it contains need to be gently invited to open rather than penetrated quickly.

The anus needs to say yes to touch in order to respond with pleasure (rather than discomfort or pain). Using coconut oil, try having your buttocks and anus (external) massaged using circular motions to warm up to this possibility. Feel free to take it further by receiving a doorbell like motion on your anus (press, release, press, release). Experiment but above all, don’t have anything inserted unless it is a full yes from you.

 

Having a session of sexual touch that doesn’t involve intercourse

What if you had an occasion of doing everything you normally do without intercourse? Or if you are really stumped for ideas (because you are so used to sex = intercourse), think :: anal play, oral sex – both giving and receiving are options, spanking/tickling/stroking/kneading, using sex toys on each other (get creative and use your vibrator on your womb, heart…even the soles of your feet) and notice your repertoire starts to open. When we take penetration away, we remember what else we can do and what else is possible.

 

Self-pleasure

Showing your partner how you touch yourself is daunting when you have never done it before. So I would NOT recommend this one if you haven’t been there/done that yet.

I have graded this suggestion.

 

Level 1: Dance before your partner. They stay on the bed and you dance in front of them. Here’s the twist. You dance for you, not for them. The way that the dance emerges is so different –

 

Dance for them and it becomes a performance.

 

Dance for you and it becomes about what feels good for you…

 

You feel me?

 

I recommend a good 2 songs but if you want to start with 1 then I am celebrating that you are doing something over nothing. Dance is a great way to warm your body up for arousal. Blood flowing and increased body temp is a good thing for us oestrogen based bodies, which tend to be colder than testosterone based ones.

 

Level 2: If you are comfortable with self-pleasure and your partner hasn’t seen you do this before then this could add another element to your sexual life together.

 

Yes we are vulnerable and we are being seen in our fullest sexual self. A little bit scary but the benefit? It informs your partner of what you like and how you like it. It has the potential to evoke high levels of arousal and doesn’t require penetration. If you feel safe with your partner it means you are safe to show yourself without the distraction of wondering ‘what do they want next?’ or ‘what will feel good for them?’ This is all about YOU and that is OK. More than OK. I’d even go so far as to say necessary.

 

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It’s time to take the pressure off and to start using more of what is available to us even when we can do intercourse. One of my catch-cries for womanhood is just because we can, doesn’t mean we should and I reckon the same should apply to penetration, intercourse, p in the v and penetrative sex…whatever you call it..

Lauren xo

P.S. If this list feels like it is all too hard or all too daunting or you’e still shrugging your shoulders, I assure you there are other ways of wading into the waters. Sometimes, a personalised approach is what’s needed to get things started…and really, just getting started and breaking the ice is the most important step. How to do this? Why, with me walking alongside you of course! Private sessions are potent, effective and ultimately time savers because we cut through the filler and get right to the heart of what you need. And until I see you, I’m not sure what that is! So, let’s talk - all you need to know and to book yourself in is right HERE.