I’m going to repeat myself here.
Your daily life is mirrored in your sex life.
There, I said it!
But what does it mean?
Well. What myself and lots of other sexuality experts have noticed is that often when women have problems with receiving in daily life then we usually have problems receiving in sex.
It makes sense. When we are conditioned to throw compliments off us like they hot potatoes then, yeah, it’s going to be hard hearing really beautiful compliments or even feedback in sex – even if that’s so desperately what we really want to hear.
When we are in the habitual response of always looking after others first and making sure their needs are taken care of then again, it’s going to be hard all of a sudden putting our own needs first in the bedroom.
I have to laugh at myself when this one plays out in my own life – often I’ll say to my kids: are you hungry? Are you thirsty? And when I let myself stop for 2 seconds I realise I’m in a classic dynamic of projection – I have needs that aren’t being addressed and so I check that everyone else’s needs are addressed.
Hopefully by now you’re getting the gist of how normal, everyday human stuff inevitably follows us into intimacy and it happens because it is a big ask for us to just switch personas and suddenly become someone that we’re not used to being.
The antidote from my perspective is to tend to those things in the daytime so that it is easier to harness these skills and qualities at night-time.
Above all, these are some words you might need on repeat: I am worthy of receiving. (FULL STOP).
#1 : Pay attention to the next time someone offers you something…
This may happen in varying frequencies for people but I hope that you have kind hearted people in your life that love and respect you. If you do, then it’s likely that they ask to help you or take care of you in some way on a regular basis. And you may well have a stock standard answer for them. I mean, it’s not like you neeeeeed help – you’re perfectly capable of doing all these things for yourself so why risk appearing weak or incapable? I get it. Just that, a little bit of help or pampering wouldn’t hurt to help you feel less under the pump and a little softer.
So many women I see get hardened by doing it all. It depletes us and obviously affects our libido because there is nothing left in the tank. A libido needs juice to feel interest and arousal.
How can you lighten your load a little?
Where are you being offered help or pampering and you just don’t say yes to it?
I promise, receiving help won’t make you look weak. It’s a classic trap people get caught up in. We confuse weakness or helplessness with vulnerability. They aren’t one and the same.
And when it comes to sex, good quality sex, we need a sprinkle of vulnerability to show our hearts and open our bodies.
So the next time someone offers you their time, their gift, their hands, their service…take it! Curb the temptation to respond on autopilot, take a breath and say ‘that would be great’.
Four little words to allow you to exhale and with time, they will get so much easier to say in the bedroom. Speaking of which…
#2 : Start using the word yes in the bedroom.
From what I understand, there is a whole other world of dialogue going on in modern day bedrooms, very few words which sound like Y-E-S.
There’s lots of….
No, not now
How about I look after you?
But not a lot of YESES!
And to be sure, it’s hard to say YES when there is so much in our body saying no when we are tired and depleted.
Now, I don’t want you to start saying yes when you mean no so please don’t start doing a fake it ‘til you become it type approach.
I do ask that you start noticing how much you say yes in the bedroom (and in life in general). But I’m not talking a ‘I’ll say yes because I should or otherwise this bad thing will happen’. I’m talking a joyous (or enthusiastic) yes that comes from your heart and body.
In getting used to saying yes though, you might want to practice with smaller stuff like when you are offered a massage or a cup of tea/coffee. Get used to saying yes with joy in the daily stuff because then it’s easier to say the word ‘yes’ or ‘that’s so good’ or even the f-word during intimacy.
YES is a great word. It’s affirming. It’s encouraging and I’m going to go so far as to say I can feel it so differently in my body compared to when I say no.
Do it now. Say: YES YES YES YES
Say: NO NO NO NO
Yes to me feels really high and uplifting whereas no feels really grounded and as though it emanates from a deeper place (which I think it appropriate for helping us to move through this world).
Even if you just use one mouse squeak yes after reading this blog well, that’s something rather than nothing. Small wins and celebrations are really important.
#3 : Start practicing going inward.
In order to be good at receiving, the inside of you needs to be in a space that is aligned with receiving. For as long as your attention and awareness is outward AKA focused on the other person then what will happen is this…
….you’ll feel a lack of sensation or numbness
….you’ll breathe shallowly and on auto pilot
….you’ll be worried about their experience
….your nervous system will be in a state that isn’t compatible with arousal
Going inward is something you’ll need to do again and again.
Here are some tips:
Firstly, close down your eyes. You have a minds eye that can visualise – I like to visualise what my body looks like on the inside – warm, pink, alive…like an internal universe. Visualising my body on the inside helps me to take my attention down to what is happening in my pelvis.
Secondly, use your breath. Really, this is a tip that is never going anywhere for as long as we have a body. Allow your belly to expand as you breathe in as this will take the breath and relaxation/down regulation down to your pussy. Whenever we breathe up top with a tight tummy, we create an invisible band through our body that limits our sensation.
Thirdly, go inward by speaking to yourself in the most encouraging way possible. Coax your arousal, invite your sensations, seek your own presence. All of this terminology and approach is very different from:
+Just get into it/get wet/hurry up
+Just do it for them
+This is shitty and will never get better
Your thoughts need to be so compassionate and supportive in order to keep your nervous system in a state that is receptive. It can’t be all jittery and switched on and outward in worry. Nope. Incompatible.
So try that: close your eyes, visualise, breathe, speak to yourself.
I know you’ve got it in you.
The last bit of wisdom I want to part with you about receiving is this: receiving is not a PASSIVE state. Far from it. It might look passive on the outside but it is actually an ACTIVE state. Notice how we need to participate to allow it to happen.
When you think about it, being this kind of active participant is actually really sexy.
P.S. Need a little help creating some good boundaries on your giving and receiving?
I have an offer for you…
If you’re having trouble implementing this, blocks around communicating what it is you are trying out with your partner or just feeling like you understand this in your head but you are avoiding trying anything new then perhaps it is time for a little support and guidance…to get some of what is inside of you OUT before we go trying to put new things on top - because that’s how we work - we get the old stuff out and then the new stuff has space to come in. And yes, I have the solution - an pressure free yet productive introductory session with me - have a look and book at my sessions page.