Giving. We women are so used to it. It’s our default for so many facets of life.
We give time, energy, resources, money, possessions and our creative and sexual energy.
And I would know. My enneagram is the Helper and I have spent all of my jobs since 15 years old being of service.
When my clients sit before me, they often describe a lifestyle where they give and give and give and give and now…they feel like nothing is left.
The shadow side of giving is that if it is all out of balance then we really have problems receiving. And if you read last week’s blog - 3 ways to be better at receiving in sex - you’ll remember that I suggested that you experiment with receiving in the non-sexual sense so that it is a more natural skill in the bedroom.
When we become more comfortable with receiving then we organically have better boundaries with giving.
This happens as we get clearer on what it is we want to give away and contribute.
#1 Complete the stress cycle before saying yes to giving.
This may not always be possible but give this a try… the next time something is asked of you, check how you feel in your body. Is there dread? Trepidation? Nervousness or anxiety? Notice the feeling and take a deep breath.
Do you need to answer straight away?
Can you get back to someone about what they asked?
A little trick I learnt a number of years ago is…if it’s a maybe then it’s really a no. Think about it. If it was a full yes for you, you would have said it.
There are way to many yeses being given on autopilot that is causing a wave of depletion amongst women.
Us constantly saying yes to shit we don’t want to do when we are in a state of stress in contributing to the very anti-sexual martyr mode.
The martyr is the woman who gives because she feels she has to – not because she wants to.
When we give ourselves a little space to ask ourselves what we want and are willing to do then a different answer may surface. By taking a breath and completing a little stress cycle, we reduce our martyr tendencies and make way for a more confident and sensual self.
What that means is that the next time sex is propositioned, there is less of an internal eye roll and responding from your head (aka: we should have sex because it’s been 3 weeks/2 months etc) and more of a response that sounds like…yeah, that would be nice or I’d really enjoy that.
Which leads us into…
#2 Give from the heart in sex.
The act of giving was never intended to be something that we undertake as a ‘have to’. The flavour of giving needs to be generous – from a place of abundance that always has more.
Some simple ways you can come into this heart space of giving is sex is by:
+holding your own heart before you touch another person. Holding our own heart is a beautiful statement of protection, respect and containment. When I hold my own heart, I do so to symbolise that there will always be a part of it that is just for me – not to be given away.
+holding your partners heart before you touch them anywhere else. If your partner has a testosterone based body and likes sexual touch straight away, this is a nice way of mixing things up. You can even place one of your hands on their heart when you are giving oral pleasure or stroking them (or during intercourse). If you ever check out when you are giving to another person and feel like you have gone into a robotic mode, feel free to bring your hand back to your heart to proclaim that you are choosing to give in this moment not defaulting into ‘I give because I have to’.
There always needs to be something in it for you when it comes to sex – you are 50% of the interaction so look after yourself to minimise any actions that could work to further deter you from getting into sex.
This will change the level of presence with which you give. Less martyr mode means more generosity.
Another funny little hack for giving in sex is this: if you get stuck or worried about your technique or get caught up in boredom, ask yourself what your heart wants to give. Say: what/how does my heart want to give right now? It changes the focus from ‘what will please them’ (which can put us into performance mode) and makes it about giving from a place that feels good for us. No, it’s not selfish – it’s really healthy! The person who gives with enjoyment will probably bring more joy to the person receiving. Our partners can feel our enthusiasm so let’s give ourselves the best possible chance of feeling good as we give.
#3 : Prioritise your comfort when you give.
Giving doesn’t mean self-sacrifice. It’s all too easy to think that giving needs to be a state where only one person is comfortable and that is the person receiving. But if you’re going to give, you need to be happy to give.
Sex can ask us to put our bodies is some different positions – contorting ourselves in ways that we don’t usually contort. The first thing that comes to mind for me is giving oral sex – just thinking about an awkward angle right now makes me feel that crick in my neck – ergh!
Now, if I am going to be giving, there is no way I am going to be present if I am distracted by some unnatural position and a painful neck. All that’s going to happen in that position is I’ll start to feel resentful and I’ll be hurrying everything up until it is over!
I had one client who came to see me because she was blocked about giving oral sex and wanted to be open to it. Once we had moved through the beliefs about oral sex we were able to get to the practical side. What really helped her was having more of a ritual around it. She found that she was more comfortable giving oral sex in the shower as she was more relaxed and was less distracted because her mind used to wander getting worried about the act being unhygienic.
Now in this case, her comfort ensured that she could continue with giving. Everyone still benefited – there was no self-sacrifice or need to be physically uncomfortable.
When it comes to you – choose the angles that make sure your body is at ease and staying soft. Make giving a comfortable experience. It sounds so simple when I put it that way yet consider all those times you have put your comfort last on the list to get something done. I know I’m not the only woman that will put off getting a glass of water or going to the toilet when I have ‘just one more thing to do’.
Giving authentically in sex….you are all over it ;)
P.S. Need a little help creating some good boundaries on your giving and receiving? I have an offer for you:
If you’re having trouble implementing this, blocks around communicating what it is you are trying out with your partner or just feeling like you understand this in your head but you are avoiding trying anything new then perhaps it is time for a little support and guidance…to get some of what is inside of you OUT before we go trying to put new things on top - because that’s how we work - we get the old stuff out and then the new stuff has space to come in. And yes, I have the solution - a pressure free, private discussion with me via my sessions page.