A whole month dedicated to the art and craft of self-pleasure - oh YES!
Before I go on to explain all the why's of self-pleasure (or its other moniker masturbation) let's just all say it outright. Talking about masturbation is an awkward dialogue. The only reason why it feels far less awkward for me is because it has become more common and natural with increased frequency. I also now don't see it as a jerk-off session but a space to cherish your sexual energy - in whatever form it takes.
I had heaps of fun writing this piece about self-pleasure for online pleasure boutique Chantilly Rouge. I urge you to check out the site for more on all things sexxxy.
The word masturbation can make even the most confident woman blush. Why do you think it’s still such a taboo topic for women?
Masturbation is a heavy word, even to me! It is laden with the notion that it is something that only boys and men do and even then it is done in secrecy and is so shameful that it isn’t spoken about. With this in mind, the acknowledgment of women masturbating has been left out of the conversation so if it is brought up, it is double taboo! Since I moved into being a Sexologist, I call masturbation self-pleasure because it gives the practice a clean slate. It can also soften what is possible for women that have never touched their bodies before with the intention of invoking arousal or pleasure. The dialogue and options for women self-pleasuring is definitely growing but we have a long way to go before our natural response is to share what we like to do rather than stay quiet and blush.
Masturbation day is May 28. Why do you think it’s important to have a day that recognises masturbation?
Without a day of acknowledgment, there isn’t enough fire on the flame of healthy sexuality. It can get lost amongst everything else that is out there. Having a specific day to give permission to talk about self-pleasure means that more media outlets are likely to be on board and then we can reach more people with this message of sex positivity and empowerment. The title Masturbation Day is eye-catching, stimulating and thought provoking; all necessary for spreading the word and the practice of self-love.
Do you have any tips for women who don’t know how or are learning how to masturbate?
Here is some of my preliminary guidance for self-pleasure:
- Create an intention to self-pleasure so that you have something to come back to when you get distracted or feel deflated. An intention is open, such as ‘I want to spend time exploring my sexual body’ and isn’t a goal where you will achieve something.
- Tend to your space you self-pleasure in. Dust, clutter, old sheets and cold? Swap these for warmth, cleanliness, low lighting and space. If it distracts you, it needs to go.
- Set a stopwatch to 30 minutes. Because this will encourage you to really learn and spend time with your body rather than rush through it and tick the box.
- Use movement. Try not to default into just lying down because lying down is a habitual response that doesn’t create variety. It also reminds us of sleep and you might feel tired or bored. Get up, kneel, squat, sit up, dance…anything!
- You don’t have to orgasm. Whether you can or not isn’t the point. Just try not to make self-pleasure goal orientated because then we get frustrated if something doesn’t happen. Explore, play, be curious and enjoy!
Do you have a favourite toy, vibrator, instrument you like to recommend to your clients?
First and foremost, your hands are the best instrument! It is important to have a connection with your body by your body from the beginning and also helps you to get a great handle on how you can use your hands for different levels of pressure to generate new sensations. This is empowerment! Pleasure objects are great for internal use because sometimes the angles can be tricky when we self-pleasure! I love Lelo products because they are made of high grade silicone and are pieces of beauty. My personal favourite is the Gigi as she moves with your contours inside and out.
Do you think women that practice masturbation are more confident/have better libidos?
Our libido definitely responds to a use it or lose it approach so when women self-pleasure (regardless of relationship status) they are keeping their sexuality on their radar and they are investing in it on an ongoing basis. This means that when there is a long period without sex or touch, they are naturally more inclined to not let it become a big issue because it is always there for them to come back to. Confidence can only be fuelled by self-pleasure because it is ownership of our desire that allows us to feel assured of our pleasure and then we are better equipped to express this to lovers.
Do you talk about masturbation with women in your coaching sessions?
Yes, most certainly. I find out in the first session what her history of self-pleasure is and if she has seen her genitals before. Education is key to coaching so I check-in that she is familiar with all of the juiciness of the female sexual anatomy – our hidden spots for pleasure and what she might want to explore before sharing possibilities within self-pleasure. A home exercise based on self-pleasure often comes next because what good is talk when it comes to the body – we need to practice!
Name three positives to masturbating
- First, know thyself
- It provides a great release valve for sadness, stress and restlessness
- It is a surefire way to establish what you do like and what you might be open to (and where some no’s might be).
Are their any positives to masturbating with your partner?
Yes! Self-pleasuring alongside your partner can be a huge turn-on. It creates a sense of tension between the two of you when you are in the same space, generating arousal but not touching each other. Confidence and being self-responsible are so attractive that when you have the courage to touch your own body and make eye contact with someone else, it is inevitable that they will witness you in your complete sexual power. This is the opposite of being needy and putting the responsibility of your pleasure on to someone else to figure out – not so hot in my book.
So stop putting it off or making it a quick affair. Get on to some quality self-pleasure now and if you are woman that is disconnected from this part of yourself then get in touch for sessions.