I feel sick. I feel chills. I feel frustrated. I want to scream!!!
I just finished reading another article of how women have died trying to be perfect. Perfectionism killed them. How their projected life online is carefully crafted to detract any doubt that they feel all the real stuff we all do.
This is what is happening: their wild woman that can live with abandon, who doesn’t give a shit what anyone else thinks is screaming to be let out. The problem is that there is this invasive, fully charged message out there that tells women to STILL be the good girl, keep it together, wear the mask, take the poised photo and let people believe it all to be true, real and honest. Have we not learnt anything?
Perfectionism is the phoniest of all the masks that women wear. And now that I can spot it in an instant, it frankly bores me. No, it angers me. It angers me for me, for you, for my sisters, for my daughter… I don’t get jealous anymore because if I meet you, I know what you have given up to be that way. You’ve given up your joy, your warmth, your humanism, your vitality and your authentic sex life.
I can’t feel you when you were a mask. Who are you? Where is your texture and colour when you have your personality under lock and key because your need to project a polished lie is at stake?
It’s a head fuck to keep everything together in such a tight knit. You can’t possibly live a satisfying life where you avoid feeling. Robotic, numb, contracted. Perfectionism is a constant choice.
When I went on the Dancing Eros retreat last month, it really brought home my need to grunt, make sound and be the one taking charge at times when I have to channel this undeniable part of me. These primal urges to be dirty, to take, to be masculine, to be the one doing the fucking is in every woman. Yet how are we to learn that this is not just OK but vital. This is one of my callings and what I want to teach to women – how to be RAW.
We need to be bossy, to swear, to speak up, to make a ruckus, to be overt and above all to be sexual.
I believe that perfectionism is the enemy of sexuality.
In my practice helping women to have more embodied sex lives, I have witnessed the direct correlation between being on the high achieving-perfectionism spectrum and sexual inhibition. The incompatibility stems from the need to be in control constantly. One thing about sex, or the animalistic sex that we crave is that there isn’t a script and it is unpredictable. This creates a distressing conundrum. She might have arousal in her body but how can the good girl on the straight trajectory deviate? It is in this moment that a choice is made to suppress sexuality because perfectionism can’t harness it with confidence. Because perfectionism is never confident and true confidence means being comfortable with the whole tapestry of being seen and being accountable. The risk is too great.
The antidote for perfectionism is holistic. Whilst I’m not a perfectionist, I am a high achiever so believe-you-me, I not only know the parallels but I have felt them. I had the not good enough storyline move through my brain with toxic tentacles recently and try as I did, it invaded my capacity for pleasure. I’d tried to acknowledge it, I spoke to it and thought I could move with it in sex. I kept up as best I could and got close at times to annihilating it but I needed to pause and move into surrender. Shed a tear, have a shower and be in the sun. It didn’t last all day because I didn’t want it to fester inside. I was an active participant of feeling it enter me and feeling it leave. It is only THEN that we can get to pleasure. When we have felt the pain first.
Perfectionism is contraction and sexuality is expansion and the way forward is to move with giving yourself permission to be multi-faceted. I use breath, movement, touch and sound to be present with whatever feeling states require discharge from my body because they are never not going to be there. I can’t fight them anymore. It is less time and energy consuming when I move with them rather than squash and suppress; as tempting as it might be. And as strong as that message is to keep it all together at all times...