There’s a routine that so many couples fall into that I feel called to go so far as to call it a trap.
You know, the expectation that sex = intercourse or that all forms of touch and affection are a means to build up to intercourse. Or we just start skipping everything else and delve into intercourse because who needs warming up when there is familiarity?
Put bluntly, it’s the intercourse trap.
So, what brought us to this point of continually discounting all of the other connective aspects of sex in order to just keep our eyes on the prize of p in the v?
What I suspect, is that we become conditioned in our committed relationships. We begin to see everything within sex as available to us or a given but paradoxically we keep reverting back to one aspect. The sacred union, the pinnacle, the be-all-and-end-all. The mind goes along for the ride and begins to see sex as: what is the point in doing the rest when we know that we can do the ultimate?
Here’s why intercourse-centric sex can backfire when it comes to female sexuality…
The yoni isn’t always present for penetration. Whether it’s a feeling that’s taking up space or a particular point in the menstrual cycle that feels unprepared or even an argument that remains unresolved, the yoni needs to be respected as to when it is completely ready to open. I can’t emphasis this enough. Sure, it can still physically open and respond through lubrication but whether the woman will really feel the beautiful and connective power of penetration is another thing.
I call repeated exposure and a feeling of being obligated to follow through with intercourse as a subtle betrayal. When I use these words in a session, something drops in for my clients. They get it. It isn’t that intercourse is bad or unwanted, it’s just that there have been myriad times where their body, mind and soul weren’t ready to meet it. But they said yes anyway.
They see this as a gesture of giving to their man, of ensuring their satisfaction so that they feel the release that intercourse spurs out. Yet, what women are beginning to realise is that it is these points in time; where they unite in intercourse to bring them closer that can actually function to make them more frozen to future offerings of sex.
Our bodies are more energetically dynamic than purely functional. They have cellular memories that store our emotions and movements - there is little that can bypass our bodies’ wisdom. We can treat our bodies any way we want or tell it to stay still or be quiet but this only works for so long. When subtle betrayals embody our sexuality, we can be left with little space for pleasure and a lack of feeling of being open to make suggestions and be receptive to offers. The female body interprets these subtle betrayals as a trigger to self-protect, to shutdown because there is something there that is invasive.
There are several ways that I collaborate with women to defrost, to become more active participants in their sexual expression with their partners and practices that promote variety in their sex lives whilst keeping respect for their bodies at the forefront of their connection.
These practices and approaches are the antidote to boredom and predictability in couples sex lives, which is where so much dissatisfaction breeds. Intercourse is a beautiful, live-giving union that has the potential to cast a spell and move people into transcendence. But let’s not hold it up so high that the rest of our erotic possibilities become distant memories.