3 and 3 – Three things I have learnt about LIFE and three things I have learnt about SEX on my 33rd birthday

It dawned on me that it was exactly 5 years ago that I celebrated my penultimate Saturn Return. The big 2-8, which saw me host a killer champagne soiree (it was as good as it sounds) and enrol in a course that would change my life – Sexology.

Yes, life did a 360 that year. Or a 180. Well, you get what I mean. It changed a lot. 

Holy moly I just have to stand back and admire how everything has unfolded in 1825 days. I went part-time in my day job, ventured to Lebanon, immersed myself in Sexology, travelled to Iceland for my 30th birthday, daringly created Sexosophy (and saw the snickers/doubters/haters first hand – yes, this is my f-you), burned out a couple of times, fell pregnant with Boop, completed a Certificate in Sexological Bodywork, gave birth medication and intervention free, moved house, breastfed++++, re-launched Sexosophy and allowed it to really pop and gave myself permission to be the unique and beautiful woman that I am. Far-freaking-out. What one can do in 5 years with generous support and love on tap has me spinning.

Thirty-three. Three and three. This is my list of three life lessons you must follow and three big pearls about sex I have learnt in the last (you guessed it!) 33 years. I quickly deemed a list of 33 just way too long. And too much pressure. And I couldn’t be bothered because I need to get onto buying a cheesecake. Priorities.

3 LIFE Lessons

1) Your intuition is your yardstick, mentor and BFF. Full-stop. Period. I don’t get why women don’t follow it more often. Don’t hand over your decision making ability to someone else all the time. And if I can avoid this pitfall as a classic Libran, so can you. My intuition has always been right and I mean that. If something faulted/if I have made a beautiful mistake, it is because my head made the decision. 

2) You are so powerful – so freaking channel it! I know what it is like to feel angry or destructive or full-on masculine and to then flip into ‘I’m fine’ territory. Blah. Denial and squashing your energy to create and take what you want and being passive are guaranteed ways to feel like you are powerless – a real trigger into victim territory. So do what you need to do to feel powerful. Work-out, initiate a move on someone, be unapologetic for something that wasn’t even your fault, and make eye contact when you talk. Do it. It’s scary but it feels good!

3) Balance pretty much everything. Your masculine and feminine, your thrifty and your hedonist, your expansion and contraction, your food, your company, your time, your identity, your energy, your movement, your feelings. Live in ebb and flow rather than all or nothing. I haven’t witnessed much good come from living on one end of a spectrum. Mix it up and I mean it. And watch this with your identity – be cautious about only being a busy Mum, a hard worker, an ambitious entrepreneur, a fitness freak, a homebody. Be dynamic woman. This is what we are made to be.

3 Sexual Pearls

1) You are made to have sex. Inside and out. It is your natural mode of operation like eating and sleeping. Tell yourself this and say ‘I am a sexual being’ everyday. It’s just that your libido switched off when you went into semi-survival mode. And novelty left your realm. The more you say ‘I don’t have a libido or I am not a sexual person’ guess what? That is exactly what you become. I needed to actively revive this part of me when I told myself to shut it down and stay quiet. You are sexual and you crave the strange and the weird and the out there. But only you can give yourself the go-ahead to do this. 

2) Your sexuality seeks investment and it is the best bank account I have. OK so some people are immediate Tantrika’s since they were born but not that many. Here is the real version. It takes time, conscious effort and moo-lah to move into the sexual space and embodiment that you crave. I have invested and invested in multiple respects to be a sexual goddess because I needed to work with others, learn in communal spaces and have sessions myself to clear me so that I can help you. Anyone who does it solely on their own without tapping in to sources is risky. We all need to combine our own talent with some solid learning spaces. So don’t be a tight ass and spend the money if it will allow you to feel sexual, embodied, hot, powerful, luscious, open and willing to initiate.

3) The way you live your life is a mirror for your sexuality. This isn’t an absolute but it is as close to it as you can get. Women, if you give and give and give in your day to day life and feel uncomfortable about receiving compliments, help and gifts, I will bet you that this plays out in your sex life. I help women to see and tweak these mirrors because your sex goddess can’t come out to play if your daily life is depleted, malnourished and lacking joy. If you can’t relax in a non-sexual situation, you probably can’t relax in sex. Try not to fall into the mindset of ‘when everything is done in the house then I can have sex’ either because this puts conditions on your sexuality and silently whispers – 

                                 you don’t deserve it until you complete all these tasks.

Sex isn’t on your to do list. And if it is, it needs some serious love and attention because it isn’t a tick-a-box. It is a hunger that needs food.

Encore: I realised I couldn’t leave this baby out. Phew. That was a close one!

If your heart isn’t open, your pussy/yoni/vulva won’t be either. If you feel unsafe or threatened or inhibited, you will struggle to really enjoy sex. Sure, you can have it but the other tips above need to be nurtured so that you actually feel something in your pelvis rather than numbness. You gotta love yourself first and then love others. Me first, everyone else second. Say it again.

This piece just flew out of me and I haven’t taken a breath! (damn, that’s another pearl. Next time). Women, I love you – flawed and passive and human and all. I reckon we are moving in the right direction as a collective. Clearing baggage, asserting our worth and honouring that sacred space of being shameless without being shameful. I won’t say we can do more, but I believe we can be more – often by doing less. The paradoxes never end.

I hope my life lessons and sex pearls resonate. I must say, thirty-three is already feeling pretty damn sexy. 

Lauren xo