We all love the notion of a quick fix; that reading an article will emancipate us from our sexual woes, hang-ups and boredom. Being a sexologist doesn’t absolve you from this tendency as I too secretly scan articles online after being lured in by the flashy title. But feel into these little nuggets below and begin your own personal makeover by turning a passive read into active sexual energy.
1) Look at the outside first and then work your way inwards. Why? Because it is often an easier place to start before we turn in towards our inner emotions and workings. What is your sexual space like? Do you even have a sexual space to play in? How safe or private are your living arrangements? Question how comfortable you are basking in your sexuality if you feel distracted or in a space that doesn’t match your internal drive.
2) Get checked out by a good GP. Understand what your baseline physical functioning is at present before searching too far and wide. Hormonal disruptions are all too common as our endocrine system needs a fine balance to operate effectively and charge libido. I recommend women have a look at Woman Code by Alissa Vitti and Women’s Bodies, Women’s Wisdom by Christiane Northrup on medication free approaches to common female health concerns.
3) Speak up. If your sexual concerns are affecting what makes you you and you are holding it all in then it is time to release and unburden. Many women find that it is difficult to speak up about sexual matters and speak out against ways that they are being hurt and mistreated. Journalling, posting online anonymously, talking with friends or beginning one-to-one sessions with a sexologist are all ways to break the ice and find clarity.
4) Identify what you are most daunted by…then do it. The more we stay in sexual habit, the less we are open to what approaches may liberate our feeling of routine. As what we are most repelled by can often be a defence to what actually might be the most useful to us, look deeper into what scares or intimidates you. Question why you scoff at the idea of a Tantra retreat, going to an adult shop or seeing a sex therapist and then, yup, do it. There is much to be learnt from the practitioners and offerings that we privately yearn for yet outwardly reject.
5) Body moving. Sexual expression gets stuck in a stuck body. The way that we move our physical body in the day to day is often a mirror for the dance that we undertake during sexual expression. Is your sexual dance robotic and rigid? Routine and romance free? If so, it might be time to engage in activity that opens you (and particularly your pelvis) up. Ever notice how a person with low confidence is often hunched over? Being shackled by guilt, low self-esteem and all of their emotional companions take a hold on our physical body. Becoming confident within your physical body means bringing a lot more orgasmic capacity into your sexual world. Top tip: dance with abandon.
6) Self-pleasure (not masturbation). Those that depend upon others to meet their sexual needs are stuck in a loop that fosters expectation and disappointment, not to mention pressure. Self-pleasure gives release, builds resilience, nurtures self-love and booms creativity. Research says women can make themselves orgasm in 4 minutes when alone but I’d skip the 3 step jig (lie back, vibrator, finish line) and go for something more expansive than doing what you already know. The anticipation is often more fiery than the final explosion. How long has it been for you?
7) Lower expectations. Becoming a good lover is one of those facets of life that we are meant to be able to do automatically without actually being taught any skills. Opening yourself up to new information and knowledge, without undue pressure or expectations of a linear process will mean that your sexual journey is rich, deep and above all, human. Sexuality ebbs and flows and when we continuously try to lead rather than follow, we can find ourselves jumping hurdles of disappointment – a real libido dampener.
There is so much I want to share about the nuances of female sexuality. The best way to get unstuck is to have a sex coaching session so that a personalised plan of action that is centred on you can be created.