An ongoing concern of my clients is how to move from not feeling present/there/in the moment/stuck in my head during sex to being an active participant in what is actually happening between them and their partner.
Women can’t get the laundry list of shit to do out of their head and it revolves around, stops pleasure in its tracks and creates tension in bedrooms. What we all want to happen in good sex is to actually be there for it!
I know you want to be:
Focused – not concentrating
Present – not rational
Following what is happening – not being distracted by what is being done
Just a few basics to normalise before I tell you what to do and please hear this – feminine energy is very distractible, it can survey a whole field or kingdom and see everything whereas masculine energy is very focused.
On a primal level, he hones in and you zone out.
It is for good reasons and slightly annoying ones that we are influenced this way biologically and socially – you are normal! Already, just writing this piece I have dropped out to focus on something else countless times – this is real life! But the way I see it, it doesn’t matter if I drop or check out because I come back again. So many minds go into this concrete mode of ‘I check-out therefore I am not here so why bother?’ So, tip number one is:
+When you drop out, notice it and come back again. Don’t use it as a defence that something isn’t working and stop all touch altogether. If you really want things to move along in sex you have to feed it with attention, it doesn’t work the other way when we are talking about responsive female desire (i.e. the opposite of spontaneous).
+Ask for a pause in sex or touch, take a breath, TAKE YOUR TIME and find a point of touch that would feel pleasurable for you. I advocate for you receiving a type of touch rather than giving because giving is a convenient default for women to distract from what it is they want – and then they never find out! Just because sex has really progressed or advanced, doesn’t mean that you can’t change gears and drop everything back to touch that is sensual or slow. Sex isn’t linear and doesn’t have a script so move things to another intensity when you drop out so you can actually be where you are at, not forcing yourself to be right up in high arousal when you aren’t actually there.
+Alternate between opening and closing your eyes – closing your eyes gently can allow you to go inward and stay present with sensation and opening your eyes up can remind you of where you actually are.
You are not obligated to be doing anything else when you have sex.
You are not meant to be anywhere else when you have sex.
Your time would not be better spent getting one last thing accomplished.
+And I can’t avoid saying it but you’ve got to breathe – you can’t be present without your breath because when you don’t breathe consciously you will be in your head – guaranteed. Breathe into your belly so it reaches into your genitals and connect with your body. Your head wants you to be stuck and following its lead. You would have done this in yoga and the like and here's a quick vid to help!
May this provide you with a gentle entry point into being present in sex. I love taking these concepts deeper in sessions with women so that they have variety and choice to abandon the status quo of responses to their partner and their sex life.
*Photo credits to Laura Zalenga Photography*