You both know that it's been a while.
A long while.
The absence of sex looms in the space between you on the couch, milling in the kitchen, brushing your teeth in the bathroom and most obviously in the bed you share. You can't recall the last time you had sex and if you do, it was a drunken tryst - an anomaly in the pattern of your predictability as a twosome.
The more time passes the more tension builds between the two of you until you nudge into completely flat lining – romances’ desert.
There's nothing inherently wrong in your relationship…more that it's just hit a plateau. You both keep pursuing individual ventures, which has created a rift that neither of you orchestrated.
Watching sex scenes together becomes awkward and hence conveniently avoided. Something hangs in the air taunting you with the knowledge that you're looking more like flat mates than intimate lovers. You begin to wonder how you fair up against your friends and their sex lives…
The first way to break the drought is by redefining what sex. The widely accepted intercourse version commonly trips couples up into an all-or-nothing scenario when it comes to intimacy and physical relations. It’s all too familiar that there's a surplus happening on the emotional and intellectual side of things but when it comes to using our bodies to express our love there's a deficit. Whether or not affection still exists isn’t necessarily the problem but anything that's classified as sexual is non-existent.
Speak to the obvious and say, well this is awkward... It gets pretty uncomfortable when sex hasn't happened for a while and you need an icebreaker. This does not have to be a heavy conversation, particularly if you have been organically drifting apart but your foundation is still strong. Saying something about it is necessary because if one person is approached using touch or physicality first and this is unwanted then it can send them into self protection mode and make it more likely that you will have a fight. This is because the body is wiser than the mind and will respond with caution when it knows the reason it doesn't want to be intimate. When it doesn’t feel safe, it doesn’t feel open to receive. This is particularly true for women.
Get clear on your language and mindset around sex. If you have the mindset that sex and relationships are work and effort, then your sex life and relationship will feel just like that - a job. Consider alternative terms such as wanting to invest in your connection with your partner. If you are in a monogamous relationship then sexual exclusivity is the one degree that separates your bond from that of your other personal relationships. So, make the choice to invest and support your connection as opposed to having to work at having sex. There’s a big difference.
Next, be honest. Start to get clear on your excuses versus your reasons for not having sex. Valid reasons include serious illness or accident, recovery after childbirth, complicated grief, unprocessed trauma or a recent sudden loss of security. Excuses include that you are too tired and too busy to not have sex. Very unoriginal. These excuses are often just asking masking underlying, unaddressed relationship issues. I believe that people know when they are lying to themselves and others so if you are aware of why you don't want to connect sexually then speak to it and be honest rather than covering up with a lie.
Sexual touch is interpreted differently by everyone and it is not limited to just intercourse and penetration. This unique means of connection involves a discussion the use of certain words (usually taboo), touch of the erogenous zones (think nipples, the nape of the neck, the inner thighs) and the use of oral pleasure. If you have had a sex drought and there is apprehension about sex re-entering your life then it is time to start small and slowly graduate into more explicit touch. For each month of your drought, I suggest incorporating touch at least once a week for each month that hasn't had touch. So if there has been 4 months without sex then take 4 weeks to get back to your agreed version of intercourse/love making or fucking. Use each week to build upon the last.
When it comes to touching after a drought, start it in a place outside of the bedroom, especially if the bedroom is loaded with recent negative memories or experiences. Your bedroom will need a cleanse if it has been home to your mental health issues (long periods in bed with tears or inertia) or where you have recovered from your physical ailments. And if it is the home of your conflict battle ground then that vibe is lurking in there too so get busy touching somewhere more neutral. The bedroom is only for sex and sleep after all.
Lastly, look around. What do you see? Clutter, moving boxes, dust, unfolded washing and kids toys? It’s time to break the drought by sexing up the room and getting rid of the stuff. Women are easily distractible in sex and if they see a pile of crap, it can take her out of her presence with pleasure immediately. It is easier to check out of sex than to check in with it so keep the space conducive to what you want to feel.
If you are keen to dig deeper and to get crystal clear on your blocks and overcoming them then it is time for some one-to-one…with me! Get in contact with me today so that we can get your personalised coaching process started so that your sex life moves from drought to abundance.