I am taking a huge breath in before I reveal my greatest shame to you all.
Only a few friends and family know this and it has been an ongoing source of angst and embarrassment to me for the last 4 years.
It sounds really splashy, like the cover of New Idea magazine… Sexologist reveals greatest shame! (I can see it as I write this). But in all honesty, I have to speak to it in a public forum. It’s too exhausting trying to navigate the terrain of who knows and who doesn’t know.
I am a listener who is hearing impaired.
Why is this such a big deal? Because for some reason, hearing impairment is something to be concealed and most importantly, something that doesn’t happen to those under 70 years of age. Oh but it does.
My condition is hereditary – it is so strong on my maternal side that everyone has hearing devices and out of me and my two sisters, I seemed to really be struck with it.
I have spent 4 years with hearing devices and long drab hair that didn’t really work for me. Most days were a bad hair day filled with the stress of wondering if the wind would flip my hair up and reveal my secret. But something has been shifting in 2015 for me. I am getting really honest about my humanism, my libido and what it is really like to be a dynamic woman. It’s just that my hearing has been trailing in the dust. The last little secret.
Because no-one else really thinks this is a big deal. It is ME who thinks that people will think…
She is a listener who can’t hear.
But what has come through is that I can hear. Not only that, I listen.
My hearing impairment is around clarity rather than volume so some spaces are perfect and I forget there is an issue. Group environments in large spaces are a little more challenging. Especially with some light tinnitus on top. Eeeeeeeeeeeee.
The worst part of hearing impairment is missing the joke. It perpetuates disconnection and a sense of lacking in me.
It frustrates me that my glasses are so cool and my hearing devices aren’t. No matter what I do, I am struggling to see the edgy side of being hearing impaired.
When I got my hair cut in July to something that actually suits me (short hair is so fucking sexy!) there was a twinge of fear that people would see my hearing devices. But funnily enough, they feel more secure with my short hair and my mantra has changed from:
I am the listener who can’t hear (how self-limiting!)
Who gives a shit?!
I know in my heart that I connect with women in my life and through Sexosophy. I know I listen with presence and I know that my sexuality runs even deeper because I rely on my other senses.
And now that my shame is out there, it doesn’t have such a stronghold on me.
So, if myself or any other person asks, ‘pardon’ or ‘what was that?’ please take a breath and repeat it again. Eye contact, patience and verbal clarity are key.
Awww my heart is beaming as I reveal to you all. I am no longer imprisoned. It is possible to be multi-faceted and I am more interesting because of my impairment. The whole perfectionistic boring keep it all together blah blah has been shed.
I am looking forward to listening to you soon.