When the sexual body doesn’t seem to follow what the heart and mind want, it feels as though there is something wrong and we have a sexual problem on our hands that feels unsolvable. We try, we persist and we make attempts to physically get into sex but something is amiss and the answer is: arousal.
Low sexual arousal can spawn a lot of sexual frustration because of the disconnection in our bodies with our desires to feel sensation. Something to remember is that arousal is not only objective – such as the observable changes that take place within our bodies like the outer lips of the female sexual anatomy swelling and lubrication increasing but is subjective as well – that is our internal take on arousal and only you can say what is arousing to you! Most of us have had or continue to have the experience of being able to physically go along with sex and feel our bodies naturally respond but this doesn’t mean that we are subjectively involved or aroused. No person’s body follows a formula or pattern and there are reasons why we have difficulty with arousal (stay tuned for future posts). When our arousal is low or shallow and this is a change from the usual, it’s time to take a look at where we are physically, emotionally and mentally. Here are a few questions for you to ponder:
-Is alcohol or drugs involved?
Tip: They can impact subjective and objective arousal for better and for worse!
-Is the foreplay stage lacking?
Tip: It generally takes more than 12 minutes of foreplay to build arousal but I recommend playing for at least 20 minutes...
-Are you telling yourself that arousal is shameful?
-Have you recently changed roles in life and the sexual part of you does not fit in with the new you?
Tip: Think mother, career woman, wife, high achiever…
-Are you going through a major shift in life such as pregnancy or peri-menopause?
-Are you physically unwell or unfit?
Tip: Arousal needs good blood flow…
-How excited are you about sex with your partner or with yourself?
Tip: Low self-esteem and high arousal often aren’t bedfellows…
Even though sexual stages have been proposed, this may not fit your style or Sexosophy. Who says that you need to desire sex before you feel arousal and then orgasm? In fact, the strange thing about orgasm is that some people can still experience it with low levels of arousal – much like a reflex. Arousal is however a big driver to feel more desire for sex and to take us to that place that nothing else in life can replicate. It keeps us deep within our body whilst keeping our head at bay. How indulgent it is to switch off from that chatter to experience bliss!
Low arousal can’t be minimised or put in a tick-box list– we are multi-faceted beings that need and individual approach. For personalised guidance about differences in sexual desire, libido, sexual conflicts, sexual frustration and sex in long-term relationships and the benefits of sex coaching sessions, keep reading the advice blog and go to my sessions page ;)