As a sexologist, women have said to me, ‘the rest of the relationship is great but the sex part isn’t working and it is affecting everything else. Please help!’ This is a very real occurrence when a couple get on wonderfully in their day-to-day existence and their values and ambitions for their lives together may be completely compatible but when it comes to sex, there just seems to be a problem. Why does this happen? Shouldn’t sex just be an extension of how the couple gets on the rest of the time?
We now know that conflict about sex in marriages and long-term relationships can be so powerful that it drives couples apart and to divorce. When we scratch under the surface, we can see that people say that sex isn’t that important to them until they realise that they aren’t having any…for a LONG time.
A conflict might start along the lines of: “You don’t kiss me when you get home anymore!” and progress to: “Well you never want to have sex anymore!” Sound familiar? Before we know it, a remark about affection has turned into a fight about sex, creating an even bigger divide and taking the couple onto a very slippery slope. And a lack of interest in sex and lack of sexual desire happens in both men and women so playing the blame game is destructive when we are fighting about sex.
If you want to talk to your partner about sex, try and choose a neutral, private space and keep the conversation centred on your feelings and the topic at hand (your sex life). When we pay attention to the thoughts and feelings say that we have a sexual problem, we can then take action to helping ourselves and our relationship.
For more on sex in long-term and committed relationships, stay in touch with the Sexosophy blog and for more personalised guidance on how to handle these common issues in your life, why not consider a sex coaching session? It may be just the remedy you need to feel better within yourself and your relationship...