Why your libido should be the start of your new beginning

You want an awakening.

You are so ripe to shed the skin of the woman you have defined yourself as to this point. Often (always) in your head, you have come to realise that your clinical approach to your feelings and what really lights you up (beyond your biz) is starting to wear thin. Life is organised from the outside looking in but you’re wondering, where’s the texture? Where’s the sensuality? Where’s the feeeeeling?

The need for a new beginning is often precipitated by us getting sick of our own shit. When we finally feel tired of the surface feelings of frustration, irritability and numbness stealing all our joy, it’s easy to pinpoint the root cause as ANYTHING but what is happening in our erotic lives.

What if I said the solution isn’t changing where you live or how you do business, recommending that you de-clutter, start yoga, make more money or go on a holiday to signify a new beginning?

Perhaps the real reason all of your truest feelings are coming at you like a sledgehammer to your usually resilient ego is because you are denying yourself the chance to tap into your erotic power.

It isn’t your clothes, your wealth or your weight that make you powerful. Knowing and expressing your libido, your sexuality and your eroticism is what makes you powerful.

Before I started my sexology degree, I used to believe that a powerful woman was a blueprint of Melanie Griffith in Working Girl – think shoulder pads, red lippy and stilettos in a high rise office. Whilst this purely aesthetic look of power has, thankfully, changed for me, it is easy to neglect the fact that power is a completely internal feeling state that we confuse for what people (mis)project outwardly. The twist is that once a woman is able to navigate and feel at ease with the internal feeling of power, her external appearance becomes congruent, regardless of whether she is stylish or in fashion. In short, she owns it and we lap it up.

When our emotional life urges us to take on a massive upheaval, it’s all too common to break down your personal growth into categories of what needs to be addressed first and last. When we are in the thick of the process that is getting our shit together, addressing our sex life isn’t usually the first port of call. The still very taboo nature of sexuality renders it a topic that remains boxed up and to be opened up…later. Always later. Perfectionism loves this approach because it thrives off focusing on the neat compartments of your life that are fully within your control. So if being sexual means being out of control for you then it is no surprise that you just. don’t. go there.

What so many women don’t realise is that your new beginning can work so very backwards and all within your control.

Acknowledging and accessing your erotic power is the fast track to clearing out the gunk and getting to the feelings that every woman wants to feel. Much to people’s surprise, it isn’t a better orgasm or more frequent sex women are hungry for – these are nice to have but not the essentials. Every woman I have worked with has used some variation of the following words when she is sourcing her intentions to understand her sexuality: she seeks confidence, comfort, desire and empowerment. 

The potency of good quality of sex education and inquiry can be sourced to its bottom-up approach (as opposed to the top-down approach). What this means is that you are moving with your body’s hierarchy of needs through the traditional chakra system. Safety, tribe and home come first in the root chakra; sexuality, sensuality and creativity come second in the sacral chakra. Although no one chakra is superior to the other, you can’t reach the higher states of intuition and transcendence without first tending to your safety and sexuality. When these facets of you are acknowledged and nurtured, you are fortified to carry that magic with you into every other situation: public speaking, self-promotion, giving from a place of love, receiving praise and above all, feeling worthy of going for what you want. Nothing feels scary when you have gone to the edges of your personal sexual exploration because this is one of the bravest and most vulnerable journeys you can take.

When I started the challenge of getting to know myself sexually in 2012, I had no idea that I would inadvertently tend to all of these other unaddressed needs that I had. It turns out that my whole identity was given permission to pivot from the quintessential good girl to the woman who owns her preferences, speaks up and truly honoured what her heart wanted. When you are so accustomed to living in the realm of this is what I should do and this will make others happy, there is no other way to put it…being sexual is liberating.

Incorporating your erotic power into your new beginning can be so simple and on-threatening. You can get started by:

+Reviewing your bedroom. Does it feel aligned as a space you want to have sex in? Does it feel safe, warm, private and like a sanctuary? Ideally, your bedroom is clutter free and has some soft lighting. A little Feng Shui tip I stand by is to only have pictures of you and your partner in your bedroom because other people’s eyes in photos are watching you.

+Learning all about your anatomy. Uh huh. I mean your down there. Because far too many women are still in the dark about the positioning and functioning of our anatomy that makes it so primed for pleasure. First, know thyself. The best resource for learning all about your lady landscape is Women’s Anatomy of Arousal by Sheri Winston. Your mind (and body) will be blown.

+Longue room dancing. Free. Private and totally confidence boosting. The movement in dance parallels the movements in sex and both are done in the pursuit of feeling good. Rather than dancing for the benefit of an absent audience, try dancing just for yourself. When we do something only for our own gratification, the movements change and keep the focus on our own pleasurable sensations, not the attempt to turn someone else on. This is a valuable skill you can take into the bedroom.

+Being armed with the knowledge that your erotic power can be expressed any way you want it to be expressed. Sexual exploration alone or with another can be fun, playful, filled with laughter or really focussed, intense and present. There’s no script and there is no rulebook. Sometimes the sweetest displays of erotic power come from a little dry hump with your partner when you are short on time. It all counts.

+Saying to yourself I am a sexual woman. Not I am an entrepreneur. Not I am a wife or I am a mother. Simply dropping all the other labels that you have and coming into the simplicity that you are a sexual woman is a total act of empowerment. Full stop.

Cracking open your sexuality needn’t be a big bold gesture or really daunting. That’s the beauty of it. Maybe this is all you needed to hear to start keeping your libido close by as you learn about the other parts that make you you. Just remembering you are sexual could be the only antidote you need. Best of all, I guarantee that you can start accessing all of your erotic power without a shoulder pad in sight. What sweet relief!

Lauren xo

Ready for a new beginning? As one of my client's pointed out to me recently, watching my webinar was great but they didn't make her accountable but coming into sessions, she knew that there was support on hand to make the changes necessary to step into her sexuality. A introductory session is a productive yet pressure free way of symbolising a new beginning for you and it is easy to book at a time that works for you - head straight to my sessions page now and I will see you soon. 

**This article was first featured in the ROOOAR magazine issue 17**