The 5 best sexual positions for when you feel anxious and shy in sex (and missionary isn’t one of them!)

When you feel scared, shy, apprehensive, inhibited or anxious about sex (maybe even a combo of all of these!) it’s easy to stick to the sexual position that you have come to rely upon. I’m talking the one we all know and love - missionary.

When I work with women that feel shy about sex, have always had the same sexual partner and/or feel like they never had much of a sex education, it is all too common that she keeps having sex in missionary because it is all she knows. She actually can’t get creative in sex because she hasn’t been informed as to what else is possible.

                     Feeling inhibited and in contraction is so normal - but let's not leave it there...

                    Feeling inhibited and in contraction is so normal - but let's not leave it there...

This is totally normal!

Now, before I go on, please know that doing different sexual positions:

…doesn’t mean that you are kinky (kinky is cool but if it makes you feel scared then I promise you won’t be categorised as kinky by doing any of these)

…doesn’t mean that you need to be a yogi or a Tantrika that needs to contort her body into a bunch of hyper-flexible positions

…doesn’t mean you will go full wild woman dominating your man…unless you want to and if that has your yes then I am virtually cheering for you!

Trying some different positions will however add some variety to your sex/lovemaking/fucking and maybe even provide an opening to some new pleasure portals inside of you. Life is too short for one sexual position.

And to give a heads up, I haven’t mentioned foreplay in this blog so the asterix is :: all of these positions are assuming you are already feeling warm in your body and receptive and open to penetration.

So, are you ready?

 

Position #1 SPOONING

Lying on your side in bed (or on the couch) gently bring your knees up and have your partner enter you from behind. Note that entering from behind is not the same as entering your behind (this is a block for some women that it is in the same vein as anal sex, which it isn’t). You may need to guide him in with your hand.

In this position, you can move your hips and knees in unison to create friction at your own pace as you hold the side of the bed. It’s a nice one for when you would like to have your eyes closed because you can’t make eye contact anyway unless you really bend your neck. You can go inward into your fantasy world and it’s a good one for when you are low on energy. Just, don’t fall asleep!

PRO: Your bodies are really close and it is comforting rocking back and forth.

CON: Risk of falling asleep.

 

Position #2 ON YOUR SIDE FACING EACH OTHER

Think of this as the position in-between missionary and you being on top. If being on top feels too confronting and well, you KNOW missionary, try starting penetration in missionary for a moment and then remaining together, gently roll on to your side.

Yup, your partners body weight will put a little pressure on your leg but the movement will provide some relief. Take a moment to find the right angle. Without your bodies fully pressed together, you may even have some more space for clitoral stimulation too!

PRO: You both get to lie down and face each other. High intimacy ++

CON: Potential for awkwardness if your leg feels squashed or you just can’t quite get the groove!

 

Position #3 LYING FACE DOWN

Going into penetration with your face down on the mattress is great for those times where you are weary or for those times where the weight on top of you is really welcome (in a bad mood it can be smothering, other times, it is kind of like being cocooned).

As you lie down, your partner enters you slowly from behind.

I like this one because it captures some of the doggy style essence without the doggy part. It also usually has a nice pace because it is a little more challenging to thrust quickly when access to your vagina is a little more nuzzled down compared to the way your vagina can feel exposed in doggy.

It is also one of the positions that gives us the best chance to have our anterior-fornix erotic (AFE) zone stimulated, which is located high up the vaginal wall on the front near the cervix. As your partner penetrates you, they need to be positioned in a way where their cock is angling toward your front vaginal wall (that’s the wall that is closest to the mattress/parallel to the mattress).

 The AFE zone as shown with the criss-cross. Image from The Multi-Orgasmic Woman by Chia + Abrams.

The AFE zone as shown with the criss-cross. Image from The Multi-Orgasmic Woman by Chia + Abrams.

PRO: You can feel cocooned and encapsulated (and potentially strike on a new spot that generates pleasure).

CON: Feeling as though their weight on your body is toooo much.

 

Position #4 HE SITS ON THE EDGE OF THE BED

Ahhh the bed. Those edges are so handy. They aren’t just for gripping in ecstasy like in the movies.

As your partner sits on the edge of the bed, you can come to sit down on him either facing him or as I am about to propose, sitting on his lap facing away from him…like you would if you were sitting on his lap in a non-sexual situation!

The big bonus of this position is that your feet are on the floor so you can engage those quads and use your strength to determine the pace of penetration. But I don’t expect you to only use your legs, your arms can give you extra support as you place them on his knees or thighs.

I believe any position that gives you the opportunity to determine the speed/pace/cadence when you feel anxious is a good one. After all, it is your body that is being entered so it is important that you play a part into how that feels for you.

PRO: Your feet being on the floor is a symbol of being grounded and rooted into the experience – great for when you feel anxious and up in your head.

CON: Requires more energy output than the other positions.

 

Position #5 BOTH OF YOU LYING FACE UP

Whaaaaat?

I not-so-secretly love this one.

This is where you are being penetrated (or you are receiving him) as your back lies on his chest. I really enjoy this position because it gives my head a chance to hang back a little over my husband’s shoulder, which allows me to feel a little taste of surrender and being held. An exposed throat is one of the ways we can allow our body to feel safety.

It’s fab once you are in position because your partner can stroke the entire front of your body. As with some of the other positions, there is no eye contact in this one. This can be good when you have a busy mind or are feeling particularly anxious.

Start in reverse cowgirl (that is where you are on top of your man looking at his feet) and when he is inside of you, slowly slowly move your legs out from underneath and lie with your back on his chest. You can have your legs close together to create more containment around his cock or have them wide open for clitoral stimulation.

PRO: You feel really open and having your partner and you touch your body simultaneously is a bonus to improving arousal.

CON: Getting into position requires some flexibility. This one may feel exposing as your whole body is uncovered (hence why I put it last).

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Penetrative sex really isn’t about what position you do – it is about how much pleasure is generated for both of you! I really stand by the positions above as creating that sweet space of trying something else without being paralysed with inhibitions. Because being scared, worried or anxious when you feel safe with your partner is a block to intimacy, arousal and orgasm.

You are so worthy of all of these and more.

I like to think that if you tried all 5 positions over a year – that would be 5 things that you experimented with in your sex life. It makes me really excited to think that just following that curiosity could create a new memory for you and maybe even entice you to get out of doing missionary on a couple more occasions.

Sexual boredom and habits be gone!

Lauren xo

P.S. If you feel like all of this is daunting or all too far away from you right now, that is totally cool. Baby steps are what will work best when it comes to helping you move out of inhibition and contraction. I know that A LOT of the time that sex lives aren’t revolutionised by a new sexual position because we women run much deeper than that. If you need more support to get into sex and actually feel like doing it then maybe it is time you and I meet for an introductory session…Safe, confidential and pressure free, we can begin to understand what it is that is holding you back and how we can help your body to move through its blocks and out into the openness of intimacy. For all the details, go to my sessions page.