Women prepare me before they utter these words.
Whether on a discovery call or in their first session, they brace me for the gravity of what they are about to say. They say ‘I know it sounds bad but sex feels like a chore. It’s just another thing to do’.
It doesn’t sound bad – that’s not what I hear. When I hear that sex feels like a chore, I hear untapped potential.
Peggy Orenstein made a phenomenal point in her TED talk about female pleasure. She said that we allow our sexual pleasure and orgasmic possibility to get sidestepped because we don’t feel worthy of it. Women don’t feel it’s important. We are so disconnected from our pleasure that it just feels like another thing we have to speak up about. Speaking up takes effort and courage. So, we don’t.
Underlying that is the overall belief that sex isn’t for us, it’s for our partner. Additionally, we don’t know our pleasure or what feels good. We decide to stay with the comfort of numbness and dare I say, passivity.
She accurately highlights how if our partner (usually male) continuously got up to get a glass of water for himself but never brought one back for us (nay, never even offered us one) we would be outraged. But put this scenario into the context of the bedroom and for some reason, our standards drop. Dramatically. We write our pleasure off. We dare not disturb the untapped potential – the space where something that feels good for us could happen.
Staying with the numbness and the discomfort feels easier than reaching for the pleasure and that is why sex feels like a chore.
You need an icebreaker. If you don’t want sex to feel like a chore, you need to make these changes:
1) Believe in the mutuality of sex – believe that it is for the both of you in equal measure. It benefits both of you. It is a union and it unites you.
2) Say these words to yourself: sexual expression is effortless. It is not a job, it is a choice to connect with my partner. It is an investment in our pleasure and cements our exclusivity as a couple.
3) If you are in a relationship with a man who loves you and is devoted to you, I’m going to let you in on a little secret – he is desperate to please you. But you have to let him in. A relationship’s terrain becomes rocky when you shutdown because of your frustration and he doesn’t have a way in. He may even over-compensate by being overly grabby or trying to get your attention with increased sexual behaviour. He wants to channel it with you but the twist is that he will feel more seen, acknowledged and relieved of his sexual tension when he can please you. Which gets us to the ultimate action that will have sex feeling like less of a chore…
4) It’s time to learn about yourself. There is no avoiding it. The truth is that you matter. You are worthy of pleasure. You are sexual (it’s just that you channel it into other parts of your life). Your sexual anatomy (what I call your pussy) is made up for pleasure – there are countless spots on the inside and outside that respond to considered touch. Learn about them. Refresh your skills on how you can touch your partner, on what pleasure objects (sex toys) are out there. Consider how you would best respond to sex getting started. Think about what isn’t working and make changes from there. Just don’t stay put on the ‘not working’. It’s a starting point, not an end point. One of my favourite Sexy Mantras is Always the pleasure first. If it doesn’t feel good, move towards what does.
There is so much to learn about your body, your partner and what will make for the most pleasurable and satisfying sexual experience. Don’t give up the hope! You are made for pleasure and finding that pleasure will make sex effortless.
Need more confidence to find your pleasure? Conversations: Confidence is coming up on Monday May 29th – it’s a safe space to absorb sexual wisdom from me and then you have the opportunity to ask what you want about being confident in sex. The discussion is real and enlightening and I would love for you to be there. Get your ticket now on the Conversations page.