Hmmm…there are so many ways that we can respond to the way that sex is propositioned and this is what this little piece is all about.
Whether it be a look, a touch, a kiss or words; when we are in a committed relationship, we often get to know the hidden (or not so hidden) meaning behind our others actions. Because each of our sex senses is tuned into different channels, there is both room to get things very, very right with our partner or to be very, very off the mark. If words mean something to her but not to him, propositioning or instigating sex with “So, do you wanna have sex?” in a flippant manner might not be the thing that gets her ramped up for it.
I speak to all my clients about how sex is propositioned or instigated by both parties in the relationship. Because if the way it starts is on a note of bitterness or apathy then guess what? That is generally how the rest of the sex is going to play out. I can’t emphasise enough how important the beginning of sex is and how it has the potential to enhance the rest of the scene. So, if you wanna have sex but sense that there could be other ways of going about it, here are some preliminary ideas.
1) Find out each others primary and secondary love languages. This worldwide concept is insanely popular for a reason. It won’t immediately take couples on the brink back from the edge but it is a great starting point for understanding how you and your other express and desire to receive love. The notion of authentic giving and receiving underlies so much of our connection and disconnection so get on to it!
2) Tap into the multiple ways to instigate sex. Remember that the timing of you instigating will be just as important as how you do it. Because getting a groin grind against you when you are in the middle of something asexual (bathroom cleaning anyone?) might not generate the desired outcome. If you are feeling hot for sexual touch and are keen to see where your partner stands, one way is to ask your partner if they would like to receive any touch. This opens up choice for them to request touch from the whole spectrum, not just sexual, and allows them to start at the point where they are ready.
3) Talk about sex outside of the bedroom and get clear about what is working well and what could use some work. If there are some words, terms or approaches that really irk you, offer replacements or an alternative. We hit roadblocks in relationships when we are stuck on the what isn’t working but go blank when asked what might work better (or what you might be more receptive to).
When we enter a relationship, it is easy to forget that we come with a whole host of different experiences, values, likes and dislikes. Our partner isn’t meant to be exactly like us and that is why we are choosing to be with them (unless the idea of a doppleganger is a turn on?). If the way sex starts, ends and everything in-between feels out of alignment for you then come speak to a qualified sexologist about what could work better. Because whilst I give a little away in my blogs, a good sexologist never reveals all her secrets *wink*