When things get quiet within our bodies and our motivation for sex declines, it is easy to dismiss the cause off to one of the following common libido myths. Yet for every argument, there is a counter-argument and it is time to challenge the default setting of your libido. Trust me, it will thank you for it!
1) I’m just not a sexual person: In my view, this is akin to saying “I just don’t need food to survive”! We are all sexual creatures; it’s just that some of us have been told to keep a lid on our libidos, sometimes explicitly and sometimes silently. Generally, if our libido isn’t expressed in sex itself, you will find that the energy that is being contained is being expressed somewhere else, with varying results.
2) Libido declines with age: Nothing could be further from the truth! Age is only one facet of our libido and the evidence is that whilst our bodies do change and shift, there are periods in life that are more than conducive to sex, especially older age. What’s more, there can be increased levels of psychological comfort, confidence and lower lifestyle stress levels all round, making sex something that can be savoured.
3) Sexual desire should be spontaneous: It is easy to look back and see that everything that happened when we were younger or at the beginning of a relationship was carefree and spontaneous. But dig a little deeper and there was a lot of preparation behind hooking up or ‘running into’ someone you liked. The twist is that you were highly motivated and driven to prepare for your lover and so effort and energy were considered well worth the payoff. Check-in with yourself and your partner if you need to schedule self-pleasure and sex (see my recent blog on scheduling sex). This is not as much of a libido dampener as it sounds – anticipation can be a big part of foreplay and the better the foreplay, the better the release. A more appropriate word to describe female desire is responsive - that means that we need to have our internal and external context (environment) aligned to feel comfortable and safe enough to be vulnerable in sex.
4) My libido is higher with a few drinks: Alcohol and sex have a long and sordid history and whilst it feels like your libido naturally increases after a few drinks, this is a bit of a synthetic high. What’s going on internally is that alcohol generates disinhibition and relaxation, giving us a brief window to let go of what we are usually reserved about. Yet if you are hopping into bed when alcohol is at its peak or is being withdrawn from your body, you may find that you want to withdraw too, especially if those heated desires suddenly seem like not such a good idea or sobriety changes your perspective.
5) I don’t have time for sex and tending to my libido: Hmmm the more you think you don’t have time, the more you will create diversions and distractions to avoid sex. It’s easy to get caught-up in marathon sessions of TV shows, work and home duties but what a difference just 30 minutes of sexual expression can do to improve your feelings about your relationship, your confidence and your life! There is no comparison between 30 minutes of feeling deeply connected compared to 30 minutes of trolling the internet and feeling disconnected. It is all a matter of perspective and a slight re-jig of priorities.
Your libido really embodies a use it or lose it mentally and loves when you tend to it with love and care. If some of these myths have become your mantras about your female sexuality, why not book in for a sex coaching session to provide your sexual toolkit with approaches that transcend unhelpful beliefs. For more information on sessions go to the sex coaching page or for information on Sexosophy seminars, go to the workshops page.