FEMALE SEXUALITY: I want to be wild / I want to be in control

At age 19, I was told - you need more scandal in your life; words that resonate even today as I grapple with the ability to be everything that is true to me whilst accessing that component of my being that wants to go against the grain. It is the quintessential good girl vying to grasp for that which disregards everything that a good girl should embody…

It’s true - The words right/wrong and good/bad are set-ups. They are constructs that need to be abandoned because they lead us to box and compartmentalise fluid concepts and leave us vulnerable to society’s ideals. For me, these ideals are limiting and don’t get to the heart of what I want to feel. Being a sexual woman is none of those words. It just is and it is phenomenal…

I know it - being a girl, being a woman, being a vessel for feminine energy means that particular types of pressures become so ingrained that it is a strain to challenge them. When pressures become voices in our heads that dictate our behaviour and fuel our beliefs, there is a pull and tension that takes us in multiple directions. Confusion doesn’t even begin to describe that feeling…   

I get it – when you feel torn between being the good girl and doing what you actually want to do, which probably doesn’t align with your concept of being a good girl. The loop begins and you decide it is easier to stick with the good girl because there is something predictable there and predictable means safe. Safe means in control

I feel it too - when all the ideals and messages in your head tell you to stick to perfection because this means that you can continue to strive and continue to have control – because control feels good but never completely satisfies. It always has one more agenda for you to fulfil, just one more task and then everything will be right/good/perfect…

Some advice - try to entice true pleasure in the day-to-day so that it can serve as a practice ground for sexual bliss. If you were walking down the street and someone pointed out a tree and told you to see it as a sexual object that was there for your gratification, then you would purposefully begin to see it illuminated in your field of vision – a fountain of sensuality within a sexual desert.

When you entice these pleasurable states in the mundane, it becomes easier to transfer these shifts in perspective to sex.

If you are in a long-term relationship that you find satisfying, beware the trap of thinking that being single again means that you could be sexual with multiple partners and thus free.

Be cautious of reverting back to old patterns and beliefs that are synonymous with the ideas of freedom and sexual fluidity as this is a ruse to avoid looking inwards. Wild can be about physically breaking free but it can also be about breaking free of a belief system that continuously tells you no. Overcoming the internal struggle is often more pertinent than escaping a relationship or dynamic.

At age 31, I was told you were shameless! On being witnessed in one of my elements giving a sexological bodywork session. It turned out that the receivers erotic pleasure spurred my capacity to coalesce my inner sex goddess and my burgeoning pregnancy bump that was encapsulated by an innocent maternity dress. As I worked and mounted the massage table, I felt hot and in my true essence as a primal and raw being, devoid of gender and roles. In this freedom from shame and guilt, I was shameless but still clear in my boundaries. If only we could inhabit this safe, sexual space on a more regular basis. 

If the intention to settle the internal conflict between being good and being sexual is proving challenging, I’d encourage you to consider having a sex coaching session with someone who understands female sexuality without judgment. For many of us, our thoughts and beliefs fuel an approach to sex that holds us back from what we genuinely want to feel. It is possible to work through and overcome this with the right tact and guidance.

Lauren xo