There is some truly excellent news about sexual frustration that you must know.
The best news about sexual frustration is that you are alive and that you have a libido. Your frustration means you care enough about your sexual feelings that this feeling of being separated from your mojo actually causes pain.
Frustration is the tension that informs you that you are not using your power to its full capacity.
You feel so deeply about this block that it is bringing tears to your eyes. You understand yourself so well that the gap between what is happening and who you really are is flushing your cheeks with shame. When did you start to shutdown?
What has stopped your sexuality from flowing?
What needs to come unstuck to ensure that you are moving with your arousal and interest and not pushing up against it?
Point of frustration #1
It's been a LONG time since you have had any sexual touch with yourself or another person. You've lost count of the weeks, months, years and you are left with a certain irritability and are frozen about the whole situation. Your body has become a pressure cooker without release and the frustration is a warning sign that this state isn't sustainable. For a quick connection to the source of your mojo: hold your pussy right now. It can be over your clothes or, even better, under your clothes. Really press your hand against her and take 3 deep breaths ALL the way down to meet the palm of your hand.
Your pussy is yours. She is your power source. Acknowledge her again and again and again and again. The more you ignore her, the more your frustration will be fed.
Point of sexual frustration #2
You constantly feel like you are not a sexual person. What's probably happened is you've denied the sexual part of you because it doesn't feel like it fits in with your current identity. What comes up for you when you think of a mum as being sexual or a top student being sexual or an accountant being sexual? Do these concepts feel incompatible?
You are not fixed to one role or identity.
True liberation comes from being flexible about how you can weave competing ideas, tasks and beliefs - it is actually what women do exceptionally well (hence why we find presence in sex so hard). Yes, you can be an accountant who enjoys sex or a mum that loves to feel aroused.
Take Kate, she had experienced an eating disorder that had been on/off over the years and she came to see me when the excessive exercise and restricted eating were re-entering her life. The chain reaction went like this – workplace stress…not good enough beliefs…eating disorder to control…preoccupation with body in a negative way…contraction in her body…lack of pleasure and joy…low libido = whole identity incompatible with sexual freedom.
So when the not a sexual person mindset hits, it's a cue that there is contraction taking place. Contraction causes your body to lie on the edge of the bed begging to be left alone. You are in a self-protection mode and you feel unsafe. And if you have a dream partner I put this to you...
When women go into contraction and feel unsafe it is because they are restraining and holding back their power. The thing that they are scared of most IS their sexual power. Wild, untamed and definitely out of their control.
So, what helped Kate? Recognising very early on that women aren't either the Madonna or the Whore.
We are a melting pot of both and everything in between - whenever and however we choose to express our own sexual flavour.
Kate began to re-feed herself in food, affection, pleasure and presence. She heard the message but it was only she who could grant herself full permission to embody it.
Point of sexual frustration #3
You keep thinking that your sex drive and interests should be matched to your partner's. You may have even felt jealous of your partner's libido, how nothing seems to affect it and how lost in the moment they are in sex. Bastard.
Cue the wallowing. It feels good to feel bad sometimes and it validates your feelings. The downside is it will only serve to deepen the ravine between you and them. And it will keep feeding the not good enough/not sexual enough belief that is shutting you down. My clients have found that learning about and acknowledging their own unique pleasure blueprint is a far more empowering way to unblock and overcome their frustration. We need to remember it is our differences that keeps us in an engaging dynamic with our partner and if we were exactly the same, we would essentially be f*cking ourselves. Weird. But its what so many women mould themselves and their partners into. Carbon copies. Mirror images of each other.
When frustration arises it is too easy to let it cascade into anger and blame. But if you can cool it enough to say: I feel this because I care. I feel this and I want to become proactive about my libido then the whole landscape changes. Dysfunction becomes possibility. 2017 will be about women coming out to own our bodies and our pleasure. You've got this.
When you touch yourself, abandon societies bullshit ideas about female sexuality AND have fun with emphasising how you are different to your partner, you have moved into the next level that transcends frustration.
The level that calls frustration its bitch.
Need to move through your frustration to get to your satisfaction? Coaching sessions are available now in Brisbane and via Skype. Click here for more!