Your husband or partner is approaching you.
You are in the kitchen/laundry/somewhere asexual and you start to recoil. You know he is about to grab your bum or your boobs and that he thinks it is fun and playful.
But for you it is anything but.
Why won’t he get the message that this isn’t how you want to be touched?
Why doesn’t he get that now isn’t the time?
As a sexologist, woman and mother – I hear a lot about how men and women see touch, affection, intimacy and sex quite differently. More often than not, women know the differences all too well and the reason they are coming to see me for sexuality coaching is because they want to know how to manage their concerns. This is the part that isn’t so obvious, especially when it is your relationship that you are trying to examine.
So, through all my personal and professional learnings, here is what I want Mum’s to know about sex so that they can move from being ‘just a Mum’ to being a Hot Mama…
1) Get clear on different types of touch and the intentions behind them - Your partner may bundle all types of touch into being sexual so whilst you crave more affection, he continually approaches you the same way perceiving this to be affectionate – but you class it as sexual. What we need to see as women is that he still wants us! But if there hasn’t been sex for a while his energy is all charged up and wanting to be expelled. The solution? When he only receives a no and no other option of touching you, he will keep trying to do the same thing, hoping you’ll be receptive. Fill him in on what you will be more receptive to in the moment as this will facilitate him understanding you and what you do like. I call it the default no when we only say no to the men in our lives but fail to share with them what we do want. Because underneath the no there is something that you do crave.
2) Drop the busy identity in favour or the dynamic identity. Being busy is often a way of avoiding feeling something you don’t want to feel. And we are indoctrinated with bad ad’s that start with the dialogue ‘As a busy Mum…’ No matter who you are or how you choose to live your life, you are more than a Mother. Because you are also a woman, a confidante, a lover, an advocate, a creator (and so much more). If you box your identity up into one identity, your sexuality will probably melt away. Be a nurturer and a woman that receives pleasure (yes, it is possible to be both!)
3) Regardless of how you conceived or gave birth – know down there. Yes. I am talking about your genitals. Your sexual anatomy. Why? Because when women haven’t seen, touched or connected with their own body, they expect their partners to work it out and when we place this responsibility on to another, disappointment ensues when they can’t work out what feels good for you. So, first – know thyself. The in’s and the outs. My favourite terms for female anatomy are yoni, pussy and vulva (note – vagina is only one part of the anatomy – liken to calling your face your nose). Women need to own their bodies for them because this not only fuels the empowerment and confidence so many woman seek but puts us at the helm of our own pleasure movement.
Female sexuality is an endless topic that I am endlessly passionate about! I would love to help you to source and resource your libido for sex and life. As a Mum, I love to help other Mum's feel the alignment of being dynamic in a way that includes and encourages their libido and sexuality. In my world, these aren't incompatible concepts and I'll teach you how you can unblock your inhibitions and integrate your libido back into your life.
Lauren is a qualified Sexologist working with women in Brisbane to embody their authentic sexuality using the power of talk, education and connection. Women come to me because they don't feel their libidinous energy, they are in their heads during sex and they have become disinterested in sex. These issues often cause conflict in their relationships and an overall feeling of disconnection and they want to know how they can feel again or for the first time.
*This post was originally published as 'What I want Mum's to know between the sheets' on the Go Mum Group Fitness Blog*