FEMALE SEXUALITY: Sex Red Flags (+ their Antidotes)

It’s not just Christmas that dons red and green…sex does too! And it landed in for me today that women really need clarity when it comes to their reds (no’s) and green’s (yeses). When a sex red flag comes up, so many of you are left wondering what to actually do about it! Your questions often start with: So, HOW do I go about managing this when it comes up? WHAT should I do?

I hear your eagerness and willingness to learn dear students of sex but before we launch into the how-to, I need to name the big red flags, just so we are all clear. Some of these may not be in your conscious realm yet so if something pops up that you weren’t aware of, take a deep breath. The red flags below aren't sustainable in a relationship and are representative of disconnection.  I have put a little antidote after the red flags so you gain some insight into what helps. 

Red Flag #1: Lights out in the bedroom and not one bit of flesh to be seen. Constantly having sex in the dark is an indicator of bigger issues with yourself and your relationship. If you don’t want to be seen or see your other, you are missing out on a vital ingredient of connection and intimacy, which is witnessing. You are also never naked in front of your partner. My guess is you are probably all too aware of what is getting in the way, which is body appearance, inhibition and discomfort or shame with pleasure being in the light.

Antidote: Coaching sessions – this one is too big to be addressed in one sentence and quick advice will cause you to retreat even more.

Red Flag #2: Sex is the only occasion where you give and receive touch in your relationship. Usually, women aren’t a fan of this one because predominantly yin energy needs a touchstone of touch outside of sex. It is too all or nothing for our watery energy that needs connection and affection in-between sex. If this persists, she usually starts withdrawing in all aspects of the union and he gets annoyed and up’s the ante of sexual touch at inopportune times to be acknowledged. Neither wins in this scenario. 

Antidote: Honest conversation with your partner as to how you can have room for all types of touch in your relationship. If you are both cold to affectionate touch – hugs, kissing, stroking, acknowledgment, comfort, massage and all of it’s counterparts, there are reflections in the relationship that need serious TLC. Talk, brainstorm, touch, seek help and defrost.

Red Flag #3: The vibrator is the third wheel in your sex life. Bzzzzzz. Your little friend is relied upon to experience arousal (engorgement) and orgasm. You know it works. It’s a sure thing. Hands and mouth just don’t match the intensity that you need. Vibrators, whilst good fun, are a short cut that don’t allow your beautiful genital tissues to have the same degree of tumescence (juicy nom nom blood flow that feels urgent and exciting). This stage is skipped, short-changing you of your full sexual capacity. 

Antidote: Vibrator detox. It’s going to feel numb until touch feels good again (or for the first time ever). Learning about your how to use your breath as your ally in your arousal is really empowering because all the vibes are inside you.

Red Flag #4: You go to be early when you aren’t actually tired. You are avoiding, making excuses, always on the defence and on the edge of your bed. Sexual shutdown is happening and fear is taking over. You probably genuinely don’t like the sex you are having and the armour is getting thicker by the day. You feel stuck and asexual.

Antidote: Time for some fresh skills around speaking up, clarifying your yes and your no and being less burnt-out all around. Refer back to red flag #2 if you are in touch drought with your partner.

Red Flag #5: You say you don’t have time for sex. Stop putting so much busyness into your life. It’s a defence. There is so little that you HAVE to do. You just tell yourself this because you feel vulnerable and out of control in sex. You know this isn’t sustainable but are in your status quo of doing. It’s your identity.

Antidote: Life overhaul. Schedule needs to go in the bin. Perfectionism needs to quiet the fuck down. It is rare that something in your life is urgent so quit classifying everything as an emergency. Stop seeking drama and commitments to avoid feeling – you’ll look back and feel like you haven’t really lived. 

Sex red flags happen to us all. Some are short-term and some are long-term. Some have crept in and overstayed their welcome and some are a mirror for the rest of your life. 

If 2016 is about shifting, changing, morphing, growing, expanding, opening and getting clear, get in touch with me now to get your sexual exploration started and to feel your red flags morph into green. Tending to your sexuality is a stellar new years resolution (my 2012 resolution that saw me fully expand over one year). I witness so much sadness when women wait until everything is really fractured before they come to me. So I put to you now the possibility of feeling more open, more you, more wild, more free. Transformation and permission is fully possible in just 4 sessions with me. My heart bursts on a regular basis in sessions. What I offer is the real deal, gold, true, authentic take on being a woman and being sexual. Go to the contact us page, fill in the form and let's get moving.

Lauren xo