What to do when your partner has a higher libido than you

What to do when your partner has a higher libido than you

They have a HIGH libido and I have none.

Words I have heard a bazillion times but simply aren’t true. Can you hear me? They aren’t true! This one is for both of you: how you can feel your libido when you are out of touch with it and how your partner with the “higher” libido can meet you in more ways than sexually. This is an important read.

Intimacy after deployment: 7 practical tips for couples feeling awkward after a long deployment or separation

Intimacy after deployment: 7 practical tips for couples feeling awkward after a long deployment or separation

Hands up who has done a long-distance relationship?

I have and it was…testing. I didn’t know then what I know now but if I did, maybe those earlier years would have been a little more connecting. The following is my best-of when it comes to advice for getting back into intimacy for those in a relationship with a partner who does fly-in-fly-out or goes on deployment. I know it isn’t easy but hopefully some of this settles the bumps and awkwardness that happens when you reunite after a big period of enforced separation.

If he’s the love of my life, then why am I not sexually interested in my husband?

If he’s the love of my life, then why am I not sexually interested in my husband?

Long-term relationships are riddled with sexual disinterest. But why?

Shouldn’t things get better as our love grows deeper? One of the biggest conundrums my clients have is getting their heads and bodies around the fact that you can feel safe and in love but not want to have sex. If this is you, read on to get some insights into what could be going on and what you can shift to get the interest flowing again.

The 5 best sexual positions for when you feel anxious and shy in sex (and missionary isn’t one of them!)

The 5 best sexual positions for when you feel anxious and shy in sex (and missionary isn’t one of them!)

Oh missionary. It works but, let’s be honest.

It is kind of in the realm of been-there-done-that.

Just because you feel shy, awkward or inhibited in sex, doesn’t mean that you need to stick to the one bland flavour of sexual intercourse. Deep breath, here are 5 alternative sexual positions that will help you to feel comfortable as you open up to intimacy.

From the sexologists desk: Permission Book UPDATE

From the sexologists desk: Permission Book UPDATE

So. I am writing a book.

And I’m not just saying this off the cuff.

It is well and truly in motion. Happening.

And I want you to be the first to learn ALL about it as it plods (or more aptly flows) along.

Learn more inside about how the idea came to me and what the process of writing a book is like!

Why your libido should be the start of your new beginning

Why your libido should be the start of your new beginning

Whenever we crave a fresh start, our sexuality isn't the first place we usually start. Unfortunately, it usually gets relegated to the 'I'll deal with it later pile'. This is a shame because looking inward at our sexuality and libido can treat the rest of our problems with such potent medicine and make our personal growth to-do list a whole lot smaller. 

Today, I invite you to ask if your libido can be a part of your fresh start (and I'll give you some tips to do that!)

What do you do if you are not sexually satisfied? (rather than pretend you don’t care)

What do you do if you are not sexually satisfied? (rather than pretend you don’t care)

Ahhh satisfaction - that sweet end point where we hunger no more.

But how do we know when we feel it? How do we know when we have arrived? 

Only you can answer that one so if you are feeling like frustration is ruling your bedroom and satisfaction is nowhere to be seen, read this one to make sure you aren't accidentally overlooking your sexual satisfaction (it could well be right in front of you!)

8 reasons you’re experiencing pain with sex (and how to fix them)

8 reasons you’re experiencing pain with sex (and how to fix them)

Both experiencing and anticipating pain can strip the possibility of sexual pleasure away quicker than anything else. I have come to learn so much about sexual pain and pain with sex through my clients and professional colleagues that I put together this post to let you know that you are not alone. Many of us are working tirelessly to help you feel your own version of what it is to be a woman. You are heard and we are here to help. This, is for you...

COUPLES: 5 ways to get into sex and intimacy on holidays

COUPLES: 5 ways to get into sex and intimacy on holidays

Your holiday is booked. You are so ready for the relaxation part but then you get tense thinking about all that time alone with your partner. You know they are going to want to have sex, maybe more often than usual because you are obligation free. Crap. What excuses can you use not to? What new ways can you avoid them? Well, rather than shutdown, I reckon you've got it in you to OPEN up. Here are 5 ways you can do that to make for some good quality holiday sex...

Low sex drive in women: why you have lost interest in sex (and what to do about it)

Low sex drive in women: why you have lost interest in sex (and what to do about it)

The only way you can even think to describe your sex drive is that it is low or non-existent. The only way you can even begin to describe your interest in sex is that there isn't any. But you love your partner (if you have one) and you really want to say goodbye to these persistent blocks that prevent you from feeling intimate and into IT. Deep breath, this is a deep journey into your sex drive and interest in sex. Read it all and feel yourself already walking away from inhibition and being checked-out of your own personal life.

MOTHERHOOD: Are you afraid to have sex after giving birth?

MOTHERHOOD: Are you afraid to have sex after giving birth?

There are arbitrary numbers out there when it comes to birth and the postpartum period. You get a 6 week check from your GP, which somewhat attempts to lump EVERYTHING into the one basket. So, when you were informed that you could have sex (if you were informed), how did you feel? Did you feel ready or did this tick of approval see you mentally running away in your head? 

FEELINGS: Increasing your self worth by day to increase it by night

FEELINGS: Increasing your self worth by day to increase it by night

Self-worth and sex. They are inextricable. The benefit of having solid self-worth is that we start to understand the points in our lives where we are holding ourselves back from not only what we want to call in now but what we want to call in for the future as well. I really want to ask you today, is your life and sex life on a loop because your low self-worth isn’t igniting you to take any action?

MEN: How to support your female partner with sex problems

MEN: How to support your female partner with sex problems

When women come and see me in sessions, I am very aware of the fact that (if she is in a relationship) that I am also, in some ways, seeing her partner in sessions as well…without actually seeing him. We women have created some habits that we need your support to shift. There's so much we want men to know about us but we get stuck with how to tell you. So today, I am playing translator to let men know how they can support their female partner when it feels like she is checking out of their sex life. 

COUPLES: When to break the rules of sex

COUPLES: When to break the rules of sex

There isn't a sex rulebook out there telling you what to like and feel and do but if you’re feeling like you don’t really get sex and what is expected – there may be some silent rules floating around that you are following blindly (but you don't have to). The rules are there are no rules when it comes to sex between two adults saying yes so try some of these on for a moment to see if these are some rules you need to break (because sweet freedom is lying on the other side).

BODY: SYNCING SEX WITH YOUR CYCLE

BODY: SYNCING SEX WITH YOUR CYCLE

When I dropped the notion of always having to be ON and learnt to embrace my cyclical nature, my life had a lot less resistance. Now that I know what I know, when sex is propositioned, I check-in straight away with where I am at in my cycle because it informs me of what my needs might be and what kind of sex I am up for. Here is a look at how I sync sex with my cycle through the four phases.

MINDSET: Why you need to stop thinking of sex as dirty

MINDSET: Why you need to stop thinking of sex as dirty

Recently, I was talking to a client about lying in the mess. You probably already know you have a problem with mess if you spring out of bed as soon as sex is finished (and it isn't just to do a wee because you are worried about a UTI). You find the mess of sex, like the fluids and lubrication all a bit messy. And messy makes you screw your nose up. Today I am asking if you could try befriending the mess a little more...

COUPLES: How to make sex fun (when it feels boring)

COUPLES: How to make sex fun (when it feels boring)

Being in a long-term relationship doesn't have to spell sexual boredom in fact being with someone long term often presented with more changes than we ever expected and our sex life isn't protected from these changes. In fact, we need to embrace them. Just as you evolve within your identity on a personal level, so too will your libido.Here's my best sex advice for couples wanting to shake things up when sexual boredom has taken hold. (Hint: it’s more about mindset than what you actually DO).

BODY: Why your partner hasn’t seen you orgasm (and what you can do)

BODY: Why your partner hasn’t seen you orgasm (and what you can do)

I wanted to take the time today to explore what is going on for her internally and to propose what she can do to experience this act of elation, this act of opening, this act of vulnerability with the person that she loves most. The focus here is on having her orgasm witnessed or seen by her partner – not what he can do to make her come (not my niche). I have found that this issue really isn’t about the skills in sex - this isn't about him not having the ability to facilitate her arousal and help her move towards orgasm. The block is more with her holding her own orgasm back.

CONFIDENCE: 3 simple ways to start having sex with the lights on

CONFIDENCE: 3 simple ways to start having sex with the lights on

If you are having sex every time with the lights off then it means that anxiety is running the show for your sex life  (nooooooo!). It means that you are missing out on valuable connection with your partner that rarely happens outside of those precious moments where you are pleasing each other, bonding and connecting. Here is my 3 step process to start having sex with the lights on.

COMMUNICATION: Getting comfortable with giving feedback in sex

COMMUNICATION: Getting comfortable with giving feedback in sex

I’ve been with my husband a loooooong time. It’ll be our 10-year wedding anniversary this year. But time alone hasn’t absolved me from the discomfort of giving feedback in sex. It’s a learned behaviour that has been slowly integrated over time. My confidence to communicate really amplified when I started learning specific talk and consent practices through a certification process I learnt in 2014 (which I share with my 1:1 clients). One night I decided to hand over the mic to my husband Ed to get his perspective on what it is like to get feedback from me in sex. You might find (like me) that your partner doesn’t feel as much rejection as you think or assume...